Golden Retriever, RN

 I retired from the hospital almost four years ago, but I keep in contact with my old crew via an occasional visit to their battlefield. 

The latest news included a couple recent retirements, an EP doctor departed without a replacement, the work flow has not changed at all (still supremely understaffed at times) and the arrival of two new staff members with purported ICU experience. Oh ya, one of them came from an ICU but did not complete the three months in training (never had gone solo). The other hiree came from an outpatient surgery setting, where the day ends at 5:30pm. Now, being assigned to a shift that is 11a-11p, this person wants to leave early every day. What the fooey??

Here is my solution:

Last year, the hospital advertised
“Hiring experienced nurses”,
This year they hired the uneducated
Because they tightened the purses,
How is it working out?
Not too well, it was a lousy solution,
I think a Golden Retriever
Would be a better substitution.

Trainable
And energetic, 
Honesty
That is not cosmetic,
Never tiring
Until they are told to rest,
Enthusiastic
About any test.

Not prone to fail
With standard training,
Reliable
With no complaining, 
They won’t pretend
To do things well,
Hire a Golden Retriever?
What the Hell!

Everyone knows
I’m no fan of the canine,
But where I work
I think they’ll be just fine.

New Hospital Equipment

In 2010 at our Level I trauma center there was a new wing of the hospital and the opening of a 20-bed ICU for Neuro, Cardiac, Thoracic and Medical acute care. What a combo! There were four large rooms designed to accommodate Bariatric patients and in general, people weighing 400 pounds and more. Lift tools and devices hanging from the ceiling on movable tracks were part of the standard room setup. Plus, there were new air beds designed for really big clients. The Administration had their fill of hype on all of this stuff, but we nurse discovered things were not so rosy when working with the equipment.

These hot new Bariatric beds

Are super mondo slalom sleds,

We position patients every hour

They slide right down under gravity power.

The bed hydraulics are definitely weak

I'll explain it now, just let me speak,

When we lower the head below the feet

It’s easy to move the patient, slick and neat,

But to bring the head up beyond a 30 degree angle

The hydraulics are too feeble, oh what a fandangle!

The nurse at the bedside must help raise the head 

Another “safety” device, liable to make me dead.

These new tech beds are for the super-heavies

Supposedly stronger than Sacramento levies,

Holding back the 100 year flood

But I'm not too sure about this BillyBob stud,

He weighed in at two hundred and twenty kilo's

And we weren't even weighing the pillows,

On beds that are rated to 500 pounds

We're approaching that number in leaps and bounds.

Beds with all the bells and whistles

Not suitable for an ICBM missile.

The beds can rotate side to side

It's really quite a pleasant ride,

But here again this weight thing irks

If you're really heavy it barely jerks,

There's a tendency for big boy Jimmy

To get stuck on one side while the bed just shimmies,

It wiggles and strains to pump air through the bellows

I wonder, “Where is the lift team, I really need those fellows?”

There are lifts on the ceiling with slings down below

When Jimmy's feeling better we can swing him real slow,

Into the chair by the window to improve his outlook on life

Then the bed will be vacant for his long suffering wife,

Her kilo's are many, her cankles are like stumps

I'm praying to Euphemia, “Dear Sister, bless these chumps”

Don't let either of them have a cardiac arrest

Our defibrillators aren't prepared for that test.

We have negative airflow isolation rooms

With lifts on the ceiling on super-strong booms,

But honestly, I'm wary about the safety of it all

Bad things happen when big people fall,

Caregivers damaged, lawsuits are brewing

When the dust has all settled, corporate will be screwing,

Around with the numbers, statistics and more

The science of big is a titanic chore.

Please, don't misinterpret my harangue on what's big

It's really an expose on the bureaucratic jig,

Million-dollar decisions from dubious advice

High cost vendor contracts at an unbelievable price,

End-users suffer at the whim of corporate decisions

Are Workers Comp injuries in the provision?

This light-hearted muse ended somber and dark

But the business of healthcare is no walk in the park.

2010

Getting Promoted

 

In my Nursing career I never did aspire for multiple degrees, all kinds of abbreviations after my name or stuff like that. My plan was to be the best ICU nurse in my realm and I studied accordingly. Yes, I attained the CCRN certification and kept it renewed for about 18 years until I was sidelined by an injury and I had to leave bedside care. Would you believe that when I was sidelined I applied (and interviewed) for 32 different positions in that organization and was not selected? It was very clear to me the facility was worried that I would get injured again. It's okay.......my time on disability counted for employment service and I retired when I achieved year 20. 

Then, I went back to work at another hospital agency in town (for 11 years). While I was there, I did apply for a Clinical Coordinator position in the Neuro ICU. Now I'm glad I was not chosen because I never did like Neuro care.

Off The Bus

We interviewed

The four of us,

And then they left us

Off the bus;

It wasn't moving

But it was gentle,

But I guess too much talent

Can be detrimental.

I interviewed

'Twas a lengthy affair,

Two separate times

In the victims chair,

The jury's decision

Was just executed,

And like a computer

I've been rebooted.

My grandiose dreams

Of wealth and power,

Lasted for only

About one hour,

Now I must return

As the horse with no fable,

Just chewing my oats

In the nursing stable.

2010

Went Viral @ Daycare

Millions of parents send their children to childcare / daycare during the hours the parents work. It never happened to me as a child and likewise, my kids never had to endure it either. Nonetheless, I understand the commonality of it. One of the chief risks to the kids and their own family revolves around the likelihood of community spread of common illnesses. I am betting that the same healthcare workers who came to work sick are the ones sending their kids to daycare, when their children are sick too.

Going Viral @ Daycare

2-year-old Bobby went viral
After he chewed on the rubber ducky,
Now 45 toddlers have herpes
This kid is more dangerous than Chucky.
Lulu is coughing and won't cover her mouth
Her parents don't believe in vaccines,
Another kid has just gone viral
And Pertussis is now on your jeans.

Your nine-month old baby is ready
To be dropped off while mom and dad work,
You'll pick up the kid on the drive back home
From an overpaid babysitting clerk,
Are you concerned at all about cleanliness?
Do you admit to a number of maybes?
Are there cats or dogs at the facility?
Then keep your eyes open for tapeworms and rabies.

Airborne and contact precautions
Are not practiced at your average play-care,
Children are carriers of community illness
Are you willing to send yours to daycare?

Mandatory Overtime

 

Newspaper articles and uproar in the media regarding the "worldwide" Nursing shortage are part of the news cycle. Some hospitals in the US are even threatening Mandatory Overtime for their remaining staff, while management scrambles and gambles for some warm bodies to take up much needed positions. 

I worked plenty of overtime and some of it was "Mandatory". Here is my message for the Hour-Brokers. 

Mr. Management: Do take note you better promise big bonus pay for that extra time you tack on at the end of any Nurse Shift. One winter, where our max-capacity hospital was always full, Managers promised a $100 bonus for each extra shift (or overtime). That only lasted for two weeks, when we busy beavers noted (angrily) that we did not get $100, but rather, about $53 because taxes had been removed. Suddenly, no one wanted to work extra!

Mandatory Overtime
Sure, it happened to me,
We had Out-Patients
Not ready to leave, you see,
And even though my 12-hours
Was all said and done,
There were no replacements
To join in the fun.

Technically our shift ended
At eleven pm,
But Betty Joe Bolotnick
Hocked up bloody phlegm,
Near the end of her recovery
After an infusion of Reopro,
Damn, that stuff can make you bleed
Don't you know?

Instead, she needed to be admitted
But there were no beds,
We called Tom, Dick and Harry
And even some Fred's,
They had no answer
Other than, just wait and see,
Two more hours rolled past
And finally a bed was free. 

Working the Recovery shift from
10:30 am, to eleven P,
That was perfectly
All right with me,
But we were supposed to close
The unit and tuck it in,
For the five in the morning crew
Neat as a pin.

Mandatory Overtime 
Is okay if you know,
When they told you about it yesterday
You would be ready to go,
Just a while longer
At the end of your day,
But: They better pay you DOUBLE!
Otherwise; NO WAY!

Sushi and Cod

If you're a Nurse, you know that patient's and their family do lie to you. Most usually about their extracurricular activities. Frankly, I don't care if they are running an illegal confederation; what I care about is their drug, nicotine and alcohol habits. Some people will develop withdrawal symptoms within 6 hours of not using.

To any colleagues I may have had
Over the years,
I wrote most of it on paper
There's laughter and tears,
From sputum to lymph
The blood and all that crap,
I wrote about all of it
Because it landed on my lap.

Television Nurses
Are rarely depicted,
Covered head to toe
With crap unpredicted,
Or ascites fluid spraying
All over their back,
A lake of it accumulating
All the way out of the shack.

I always shielded names
No one ever could know,
About Billy Bob Borko
And his psychedelic show,
When he consumed mushrooms
Heroin and meth,
Not to mention the alcohol
Saturating his breath.

His family told me
He would never do drugs,
They did not believe the tox-screen
Praise Jesus and all the hugs,
But we knew better
It was all one grand facade,
Like a public display
Of Sushi and Cod.

Nurses Retired

 

I've kept up with a few of my retired friend Nurses over the years. We know that we were control freaks (I'm talking about ICU Nurses); it was our duty and job to be that way. If you the patient weren't behaving, you earned some drugs to relax you. If family was too irritating, there were channels to go through to stop that crap. But what about when we retire?

I’m just a simple control-freak
That’s what Nurses become,
We like to control situations
The to and the from,
During that 12-hour period
While you were in my care,
It was my duty to protect you
From the door to the bed to the chair.

I’m just a simple control-freak
I expect your best behavior,
You need to understand
That I am your savior,
When I’m in the room
Please do what I ask,
Best result, best outcome
If I can complete my task

Now:
I’m an elderly control freak
And I have no control,
Life is so simple
And that is my goal,
But those jerks on the freeway
With their bad driving behavior?
Make trouble for me
You’re going to need a savior.

Going Home

 

How the majority of Nurses feel when it's time to go home from work.

I have to go home
When I'm tired of the bull,
All the idiotic innuendo
I eventually get full,
All the Care-plan duplications
And the relentless charting,
I have to go home now
Goodbye, I'm departing.

I have to go home
When my inertia is lost,
It was stolen by someone
Or maybe it was tossed,
Into the trash by mistake
By the legally blind,
I have to go home now
I hope you don't mind.

I can't stay any longer
Unless you're willing to pay,
Double-time for my troubles
There's just no other way,
That I can put up with this garbage
That I shoveled all night,
Don't threaten to keep me
I'll put up a fight.

I'm home now and happy
Just typing this note,
A glass of wine in my hand
While my thoughts drift and float,
On the stream of contentment
Amidst bubbles and foam,
I'm so glad I left work
Because now I am home.

Shot of Ice

 

I did write this back in 2016 and if you have done a look-back you would have found it. Recently a close family member had surgery that resulted in prolonged NPO status (I mean 3 months long). This poem came to mind and now seems even more appropriate. The premise of the poem is another one of my insane inventions.

Objective:
For the patient who is requesting every 5-10 minutes some ice to satisfy their water cravings. (typically when they are NPO or fluid restricted).
The device could be set for time intervals or number of allotments.

Mechanism:
Automatic spoonful of ice - injector. Hangs from ceiling or a shelf unit. It might look like a movie projector. Pull the trigger and it drops ice into patient’s mouth. Alternate delivery where a targeting laser finds the patient's mouth and the device shoots an aliquot of ice directly into the orifice. 

Secondary benefit: Range-of-motion exercise for patient's head and neck. 

Best benefit: Nurse doesn't have to go in room every 10 minutes to deal with whiny patient.

There's a brand new gadget
A medical device, 
It will solve a problem
At a reasonable price,
A germ of an idea
That sprouted and grew,
After consulting
With thousands of you.

In the hospital setting
There are certain reasons,
We withhold fluids
Even in the rainy season,
NPO
Except for meds,
Makes patients crazy
Jacked up in their beds.

A genius idea
Came to me,
After 30 years
Of singing la-dee-dee,
As patients whined
And threatened with violence,
Why even an ice-chip
Would provide us with silence.

After mulling ideas
And asking advice,
I have finally released
The "Shot of Ice",
A revolutionary tool
With multiple uses,
No need to fall back
On ridiculous excuses.

Set-up is simple
Quick and easy,
It has a high-tech look
Nothing cheesy,
Plug it in, turn it on
Just follow directions,
One minute or less
It's ready for ejections.

Have the patient hold still
To adjust aim and distance,
Or set it on automatic 
For the path of least resistance,
It can be voice actuated
With timing controls,
Adjust by the teaspoon
Or set it on, "Bowls".

The patient can choose
What they say for the trigger,
Like, "hit me again, baby
But this time, something bigger",
Or maybe a whistle 
A clap or a moan,
For the technocrats
There's an app for the phone. 

"Siri, hit me up
I want to roll the dice,
Shoot me, babe
With some flavored ice!"

.

When Colleagues Die

 
This is an "old" poem from thirty years ago. A highly respected, universally loved physician had a cardiac arrest at a nearby tennis court. Paramedics brought him to the hospital for direct delivery to the Cardiac Cath lab and then he was rushed to our Coronary Care ICU. I volunteered to be the receiving nurse. Our new patient was completely unstable, in cardiogenic shock and as soon as he was brought to the room his cardiac rhythm was V.Fib. The code-blue was run for about thirty minutes without success and his loss was a devastating blow to everyone who knew and worked with him.

A couple weeks later, I wrote the following poem.

Our Colleague, Our Friend

The sadness comes and goes
But never really leaves,
Good friends die on our doorstep
And everybody grieves,
Most of us struggle home
Drained to the core of our being,
I was there at his side
And now I am fleeing,
Running and hiding
With a feeling I can't shake,
I want to retire
Because there's too much at stake.

A glass of wine helps
I can rhyme with real meaning,
The feelings tumble out
Without desensitized screening,
I can talk the emotion
Though I don’t know the price,
Will it ever be resolved?
When my soul feels like ice.

There’s so much at stake
But I keep going back,
There are people to care for
And we have the knack,
To reach into their lives
And find a place where we fit,
Everybody’s different
It just takes a little bit,
Of thoughtfulness and attention
To inspire some hope,
But for us, the noble caregivers
How do we cope?

This was the end of the road
The last of all dances,
Where everyone in the room 
Ran out of chances,
And I walked away
Feeling empty and sad,
This unfortunate fellow
A husband and Dad,
And I silently prayed
Until the very end,
Lord, comfort this soul
Of our colleague and friend.

------------------

I still feel the emotion + sadness to this day, every time I read this poem

Back Then

 

Something in the news about the renaming of a planetary observation platform (telescope) caused me to think about the advances in the science of human medicine. I have worked in healthcare more than forty years and have witnessed all kinds of great ideas, advancements, groundbreaking therapies, medications that came and left due to dangerous side effects and so on. Some inventions were worth keeping and some were cast aside.

Persons of all disciplines must be careful how they view past history and try not to bash it too much. After all, your own history might become controversial later on too. 

We did a lot of things back then

That we don’t do now,

Heck, we didn’t even have the science

To clone a cow.

So don’t take it upon yourself

To destroy our reputations,

We saved thousands of lives

And deserve salutations.

Food Poisoning

 
I suspect everyone has had a bout of food poisoning. In 2008 at the hospital there was an annual event breakfast, where the Physicians cooked and served other staff members. I opted for the pancakes and potatoes and about an hour after arriving at home, my GI tract rejected the recent input. 

This current poem describes a different incident and it was only 4 days ago. Packaged salsa from the new neighborhood grocery store. However, the disturbing GI development occurred soon after arriving at the ACLS renewal the next morning; that was unexpected!

I think I got food poisoning
From yesterday’s Salsa,
The substance coming out of me
Looked like finely ground balsa,
I can not think of any
Other probable cause,
It was an unwelcome incident
Giving a momentary pause.

Now it’s three hours later
And I wonder what will happen,
When I return home
Will there be more bouts of crappen?
Well one thing for certain
I won’t buy that stuff again,
Unless I need to prep for a colonoscopy
That’s the only time when.

Randy Grandpa's

 

It's the new year and I have two new poems having something to do with S-E X. 
Luckily, it has to do with our patients and of course, nothing about me.

Randy Grandpa's
They exist,
But the ones who bragged at the hospital
Were boorish and probably not kissed,
After a procedure
They would ask about sex,
I might reply, you can do it with yourself
Without any protects.

Taboo Subject

 

Here is something I never wrote about in all of the years. A topic that was gossiped about because somebody is doing it somewhere and that's just how it is. The "what everybody knows" taboo subject.

If in someway you-the-reader are offended by my selection of pronouns.........just do a switcheroo in your brain.

Opposite the hospital
There is a Catholic church,
He is keeping an eye on you
Yes, Jesus on his perch,
He knows what you are doing
He knows when you’re afraid,
And the smile on Doctor’s face?
Suggests he just got his bed made.

Check the Residents sleep room
Look for contraband,
If you find some throw away wrappers
Then you’ll understand,
That after flirting for the past eight weeks 
With that hottie over on tower-7;
I bet Jesus over at the Catholic church
Is thinking, “Now you’ve had a glimpse of heaven”.

Stealthy Healer

 
I have written about things like this over the years, but not a lot. When unexplainable (not yet well understood in our science) things happen (and they do), we Nurses don't talk about it much. I have seen people clinically designated as dead, absolutely flatline, named dead by an Emergency Room Doctor, without having CPR, allowed to die as a DNR...........come back to life at least 20 minutes later. Yes; I was there and at that time, I was a Respiratory Therapist in 1982 in an ICU (there we at least four other witnesses) I have seen folks talk to their ancestors and I have felt souls leave the room. Some of you have also witnessed these things. Our mainstream science is still in its infancy; time will come (many, many years forward) and there will be answers to these oddities, that will no longer be couched in explanations regarding Psychiatry. 

And now, let's talk about healing. After all, healing is the role that millions of persons have been drawn to perform in a variety of settings. Most of that business has been lodged in our cultural memory and experience. Modern medicine is just that; relatively new and measurable. As of yet, although it looks really technical and eye-catching, modern medicine ignores much of what has already been deeply studied for millenia.

Nurses are Healers and some of them have extra training or innate genetic healing memory. Can I prove that? No; but you can not disprove it, either. 

Perhaps the healer is aware

They have so much power,

They realize

They can only expend a 

Little bit per hour,

Such that others won't notice

During the moments of observation,

If Joe Bob jumps out of bed

Good Lord! Consternation!

He might say

"Well, all I remember is a blinding light,

When this guy who says he's a Nurse

Held my hand super tight,

And that's all I remember

Until I awoke in this bed,

Won't somebody tell me what's going on

Damn, I thought I was dead!"

Healer Nurses

Well, that’s what we do,

Although I might be trained

I’m no better than you.

Your Grandma may have been a Shaman

It’s a bloodline, maternal,

Just keep it on the lowdown

Perhaps record it in a journal.

I studied Reiki, Acupressure

Tuina massage and Wuji Gong,

Quite a few other things

Plus a Nursing degree as a follow along,

And when I applied techniques of healing

They were a mishmash of all of the above,

After all, how does one heal?

It is always about Love.

Blood Saints

 

This is the part where I say a big Thank You to those folks who work in Blood banks and Donation Centers and all of the great work they do. 

And this is the true story of a first-time blood donor.

Blood Saints

To the team 
That took such good care of my wife,
After she was stabbed by that needle
That looked as big as a knife,
Wifey told me she felt good
No problems had occurred,
But then she passed out
When her tea was being stirred.

For a first time impression
That was incomparable,
From her perspective
It was somewhat unbearable,
To get tossed to the floor
Then placed on a mat,
If she had been awake
She wouldn’t agree with that.

Suffice to say
The Blood Saints responded quickly,
As soon as I called out
"She's dizzy, hot and sickly",
As they came to our table
It was lights out for my spouse,
Not a brain cell was stirring
In dear Lhakpa's house.

I got out of their way
They were an efficient crew,
Although I checked for a pulse
That's what good husbands do,
Who are planning the next move
In this kind of game,
Let the rescuers do their thing
So the husband won’t get the blame.

And a great job they did
Over the course of the next hour,
They helped her wake up
So she could drink a whisky-sour,
It was a remedy we never used
When I worked in critical-care,
But those Blood Saints are so powerful
My wife is now breathing air.

Vitalant probably discourages
Monetary awards,
It is not in the bylaws
Nor in the Geneva Accords,
But having worked in the industry
I know the things they appreciate,
Yes, coffee and chocolate
Are never too late.

What Nurses Do At Home

 

We Nurses know how to bend the rules at work, so I know for a fact we do it at home as well. But heaven forbid, there is certainly stuff we won't say in front of our family.

Things I Can’t Tell My Family

Things I can't tell my family
About that toothpaste cap,
I dropped it into the toilet
That's not the same as on my lap,
I didn't want to throw it away
The toothpaste might dry up,
So I placed it in the UV sterilizer
Then I soaked it in an alcohol cup.

I’m pretty sure the e-coli
The clostridium and staphylococcus,
Was rendered completely inactive
Unlike a toilet sourced in Caracas,
And truthfully the cap only dunked
In the water for a tenth of a minute,
I’m absolutely sure it was sterilized
Not an inkling of doubt of what’s in it.

1/23/22

The story that belongs to the next post

 

In 2014 I had a position in a very busy Diagnostic Cardiology unit. We did pre-op and post-op care and recovery for persons having Cardiac procedures such as Angiograms for heart and peripheral studies as well as acute MI emergencies. Our services also included Dysrhythmia ablations, recoveries for Radiology procedures and also procedural sedation for Bronchoscopy. Strangely, we were not designated as an official surgical recovery area, but we did all kinds of recoveries following general anesthesia. It was crazy. We were also doing recoveries following all kinds of catheter-based heart valve replacements like TAVR, MVVR, Watchman, etc. At the time I was hired, I became the 2nd "ICU" experienced nurse for the unit. 

My story here is regarding a fresh-new-just-graduated RN with no prior hospital experience; this person was completely unqualified to work in our unit. I admit it was hard to find qualified nurses to work in our area; people needed a lot of cardiac experience. So I can't understand at all why this person was hired, except that Management was desperate and the newbie seemed sweet and nice. 

On the day of the event I came to work at 0930, immediately hearing a Doctor demanding to talk to the Charge nurse about the nurse who had been present during a Bronchoscopy. One of our Administrative Charge nurses (she made the decision the day before) and the person who was filling in for her, apparently thought it was reasonable to assign the new inexperienced nurse for the Bronchoscopy. No wonder the Doctor was flaming mad!

I did some precepting with this new nurse and that was a role I was commonly assigned and enjoyed. This new person was the type that always replied "Yes" when asked if he knew how to do a task. One busy evening when I was occupied with a new sedation-recovery, the newbie was staying late to help us. I had a patient that needed to ambulate before discharge to go home. A foley-catheter had been inserted during their procedure. I asked newbie if he knew how to remove a Foley-catheter and he replied, “Yes”. I handed him an empty 10-cc syringe which is necessary to remove the sterile water from the inner tip of the catheter that is located in the bladder. Okay; a few minutes later I noticed him standing at the door of the room I was in. He said, “I need some help, the catheter won’t come out”. I wondered about that and followed him into the room. I asked him if he had removed the water from the catheter balloon, since I did see the syringe out of its package at the bedside. Newbie had a vacant look on his face so I knew he didn’t know jack about removing a Foley catheter.

 Unfortunately, there were quite a few more events just like that, where he had originally said, “Yes, I understand how to do that”. One day he had been assigned to administer sedation for a Cardioversion and the patient became apneic. He didn’t know what to do. Well of course he didn’t; he was untrained, unqualified and had not even had a procedural sedation class. But who was in Charge? Mother-Charge-nurse who loved him. 

Inexperienced

 

What nonsense! This decision
To assign to the neophyte,
Be the Bronchoscopy nurse
Like an untrained boxer in a fight,
Who has had no previous training
What’s there to know? Just make a fist,
Well, the Doctor surely noticed
And he was properly pissed.

I heard about the plan yesterday
When Ma Boss made that dumb decision,
And she wasn’t even here today
To witness the failure of her vision,
Her favorite little acolyte 
Won’t speak up to say, “Not me,
I know that I’m not qualified
I’ve never done it, can’t you see?”

What a team they make, these two
Like mother and son,
The two of them are dangerous
When all is said and done,
She ignores his weakness
And he says “yes” to everything,
Boldly going where he should not
While mother coos and sings.

When I arrived the Doctor was fuming
And spoke his pretty piece,
I totally agreed with him
About the boiling grease,
Then I volunteered my services
For the next bronchoscopy,
An expert for that procedure
Of course, that would be me.

Advanced airway skills?; check
Expert cardiac of course,
Highly trained in procedural sedation
I could anesthetize a horse,
Code-Blue master of renown
A crash and burn magician,
Or just assign the newbie nurse?
Ya, that’s our public mission.

Well, there were no complications
At Bronchoscopy number one,
But I’m sure if that had happened
Mother would still have coddled her son. 

What Every New Nurse Should Know

 

Your first Nursing Instruction in the Hospital.

On Admission
 
The most important thing
That we explain,
It's not the heart
It's not the brain,
It's not the
End of life decision,
It's the wired remote
To the television.
 
What is more important
Than our Nursing role?
The channel-choosing
Volume control,
But heed my warning
You better listen, right now,
That Nurse-call button?
Don't teach them how!

Remember Tamiflu in 2009?

  

Here we are again with another Fluish dilemma. I wrote about it in 2009.

Tamiflu
 

I got myself to thinking
Why they call it Tamiflu,
The aggravating aching joints
Are what come over you,
When you fail to take precautions
In the presence of the beast,
I'm warning you be careful
Cover your ears to say the least.
 
The Tamiflu vaccine
Is highly recommended,
It offers wide protection
In the case that you're dead ended,
In the hallway near the kitchen
By the linen cart and more,
The Tamiflu vaccine, my friend
Will even up the score.
 
It was tested in the morning
It was trialed in the night,
Yes, the Tamiflu protection
Was clearly out of sight,
A shield of cosmic ions
Floats gently around your face,
So the Tamiflu infection
Can not violate your space.
 
Supplies are currently limited
While demand is ever growing,
The Tamiflu is spreading
Despite everybody knowing,
That the best way to prevent it
Is avoidance at all cost,
If Tamiflu gets a hold of you
Why surely you'll be lost.

How I was Blessed One Time

Gesundheit !

I wonder sometimes
What stories I'll tell,
On my way to Heaven
Not heading for Hell,
Some might think I am crazy
The things that I'm saying,
But if you are religious
I know that you're praying.

At work that one night
I performed some good feat,
The nurse that I helped said
God bless you, Pete,
And it caused me to wonder
If she somehow had the power,
Bestowed on her by God
To bless me that hour.

I didn't notice any difference
That a blessing could have made,
Perhaps the blessing is in storage
To be sometime later played,
To my better advantage
In a time of greater need,
Like when I stick myself with a needle
Causing me to bleed.

What makes people think
They can randomly send a blessing,
As personal agents of God
It's almost depressing,
Because that's what the whackos say
Before they poison their flock,
It fills me with trepidation
As I prepare for the blessing shock.

Who knows what it means
When you're blessed for a sneeze,
Though I've always preferred
"Gesundheit", if you please,
That kind German wish
To offer me good health,
But I'd really prefer ten dollars
And wish me good wealth.

 

Heavy Lifting

 

In the trenches of bedside nursing everything is like the movie scenario presented in "Groundhog Day". The same events happening over and over and over and so on, until somebody realizes the way to get out. 

Nursing exists in its own Groundhog Day. I've been writing about the same topics every decade with only nuances of change. I have a lot of poems regarding the difficulty (logistics) of Nursing care with very weighty people. However, it is worth noting that in 1978 when I began a healthcare career in a hospital, the prevalence of morbid obesity was quite low. (Major medical center in Los Angeles).

Here I address the claim that hospitals are looking out for us and providing Lift Equipment and making it available to everywhere in the hospital (but not everywhere at any given moment)

Buxom and Girth

Dear Bertha with the buxom bosom

Had sepsis, pneumonia and shock,

To keep her alive we infused 30 liters

Adding four-stone in four hours on the clock,

Each turn in the bed for her skin care

‘Twould take the muscles of three mighty nurses,

Pausing to share a reflection

And sort out their favorite curses.

With a gnashing of teeth and straining of spine

These three groaned in triplicate unity,

Knowing quite well if they busted their backs

The hospital would deny with impunity,

Management argues we have the equipment

To maneuver the oversized clients,

They blame us for slack or impatience

Without truly understanding the science.

Suffice to say we nurses are tougher

From the keelhaul we had this past decade,

Throw anything at us and we will just cuss

We don’t succumb to the brute or the blade,

Better to back Nurses than Wall Street

Unlike a bitcoin account, we add worth,

Protect the nurses who are the backbone of the workforce

In this arena of buxom and girth.

Prognostic Lament

 

Perpetual pandemic? Not likely. However, it is going on far longer than the average bear can tolerate or understand. I read the tea leaves today and this is what came through via Haiku. 

Please Bro, make it stop
Covid is such a bummer,
So tired of the idiots.

Price-Check Incontinence

 

When you work in healthcare, whether you take care of babies or adults, the likelihood is that you (like the rest of us) have had it up to your ears in bodily secretions. I won't write the names of these things because I would rather not trigger a seizure or panic attack in my audience. 

While reviewing the past forty years of writings I realized that the fullest category of poems is that which talks about all the gross stuff. Here is a new one:

Holy crap!
I don't know why I never looked this up before,
How much does a Flexi-Seal cost?
Don't ask; it will blow you out the door.

Heck, those things were flying off the shelf
Back in the MICU,
When 60% of the patients had C-diff
And if you didn't wash your hands enough
So would you.

When I "Googled" Flexi-Seal
It was in the #1 position,
The second listing was Flex Seal
Like the runner up at the audition, 
The first one requires a Doctor's order
And the patient is charged over four hundred bucks,
Whereas Flex Seal costs fifteen dollars
Leaving enough money left over for
Seventeen, 30-per-pack, Chux. 

Nurses are really smart
When faced with adversity they show no fear,
They could easily imagine how to configure a garbage bag
Along with Flex Seal, to the average patient's rear,
Once again my genius ingenuity
Is proven to be without bounds,
Oh, wait a second, I have to get out of here
I think I hear the Sheriff with the hounds.