New Hospital Equipment

In 2010 at our Level I trauma center there was a new wing of the hospital and the opening of a 20-bed ICU for Neuro, Cardiac, Thoracic and Medical acute care. What a combo! There were four large rooms designed to accommodate Bariatric patients and in general, people weighing 400 pounds and more. Lift tools and devices hanging from the ceiling on movable tracks were part of the standard room setup. Plus, there were new air beds designed for really big clients. The Administration had their fill of hype on all of this stuff, but we nurse discovered things were not so rosy when working with the equipment.

These hot new Bariatric beds

Are super mondo slalom sleds,

We position patients every hour

They slide right down under gravity power.

The bed hydraulics are definitely weak

I'll explain it now, just let me speak,

When we lower the head below the feet

It’s easy to move the patient, slick and neat,

But to bring the head up beyond a 30 degree angle

The hydraulics are too feeble, oh what a fandangle!

The nurse at the bedside must help raise the head 

Another “safety” device, liable to make me dead.

These new tech beds are for the super-heavies

Supposedly stronger than Sacramento levies,

Holding back the 100 year flood

But I'm not too sure about this BillyBob stud,

He weighed in at two hundred and twenty kilo's

And we weren't even weighing the pillows,

On beds that are rated to 500 pounds

We're approaching that number in leaps and bounds.

Beds with all the bells and whistles

Not suitable for an ICBM missile.

The beds can rotate side to side

It's really quite a pleasant ride,

But here again this weight thing irks

If you're really heavy it barely jerks,

There's a tendency for big boy Jimmy

To get stuck on one side while the bed just shimmies,

It wiggles and strains to pump air through the bellows

I wonder, “Where is the lift team, I really need those fellows?”

There are lifts on the ceiling with slings down below

When Jimmy's feeling better we can swing him real slow,

Into the chair by the window to improve his outlook on life

Then the bed will be vacant for his long suffering wife,

Her kilo's are many, her cankles are like stumps

I'm praying to Euphemia, “Dear Sister, bless these chumps”

Don't let either of them have a cardiac arrest

Our defibrillators aren't prepared for that test.

We have negative airflow isolation rooms

With lifts on the ceiling on super-strong booms,

But honestly, I'm wary about the safety of it all

Bad things happen when big people fall,

Caregivers damaged, lawsuits are brewing

When the dust has all settled, corporate will be screwing,

Around with the numbers, statistics and more

The science of big is a titanic chore.

Please, don't misinterpret my harangue on what's big

It's really an expose on the bureaucratic jig,

Million-dollar decisions from dubious advice

High cost vendor contracts at an unbelievable price,

End-users suffer at the whim of corporate decisions

Are Workers Comp injuries in the provision?

This light-hearted muse ended somber and dark

But the business of healthcare is no walk in the park.

2010