Over Sixty Developments

 

Two Bladders

Old men grow another bladder
And I think they ought to be gladder,
They pee like an old horse
For a three minute span,
And then five minutes later
They can do it again.

At first it seems annoying
But one must take it in stride,
Except for those times
If you have just hitched a ride,
With your neighbor next door
His name is Lance,
He asks why you are wiggling
And holding your pants.

Ya see, he doesn't know
That forty years from now,
He will grow another bladder
And don't ask me how,
Because it JUST happens
When you get to be sixty-two,
So, shut your trap Lance
It's bound to happen to you.

Intermediate Explanations

 

My cardiologist is aware that I worked in Electrophysiology for six years and cardiac nursing for eons. Unfortunately, he still has a tendency to explain things like I'm a 3rd grader and in general, never really answers the questions I pose. Sure, I understand that the average consumer he sees in the clinic doesn't know jack about their health conditions. I'm sure he tells them that everything will be fine, don't worry, the tests were inconclusive and just take your medicines (all the same stuff he told me too).

It is frustrating talking to doctors
That are incapable of teaching at an intermediate level,
Just imagine hiring a home construction expert
Who cannot explain the functionality of the bevel,
He might say he needs the bubble
In the middle chamber of the tool,
To prove  the floor is horizontal
Now that's a babbling fool.

I asked my cardiologist about a finding
On my most recent cardiac echo,
He got off track as quickly
As a hot-footed gecko,
I was hoping for an explanation
Regarding age related cardiac dynamics,
I may have well asked him about 
Spinning clay and molding ceramics.

His chosen explanation
Was that echo readings might be different on any given day,
Depending on the technician
Volume status and other factors in play,
It was a wonderful explanation
Regarding details of which I am already well versed,
But he certainly didn't answer my questions
And believe me, this time was not the first.

We also talked about my new arrhythmia
And again he obfuscated,
He said a lot of people have a lot of PACs
Yep, explanations like that are clearly outdated,
I was hoping for more technical details
Regarding the tachycardia mechanism
and impulse location,
But a snapshot 48-hour 2-lead Holter test
Is the simplest of readings without innovation.

He said persons with atrial ectopic beats 
Are treated with beta blockers,
Well that's great since I've been taking them for 15 years
I have enough of them stored in lockers,
He said I could titrate the dosage
Which I am already doing,
Yes, this is like an old piece of gum that I'm chewing.

At the end of my appointment 
He seemed very happy that he had addressed all of my queries,
He invited me back in four months
And maybe I'll bring him some chocolate cherries,
Because he's a really nice guy 
And obviously a very good explainer,
As long as one is willing to put up with
A silly simple answer and that's a no-brainer.

Capsule Endoscopy

 

Most of anything I have posted here has been about the situations I experienced while working as a nurse, and rarely about myself. However, now and then I have undergone an illness or invasive procedure and usually I can find some humorous observance regarding the experience. I can say, that this Endoscopy was way easier than the Upper and Lower scoping I had 18 months ago.

Capsule Endoscopy
It was really quite easy,
Although swallowing that thing
Made me feel queasy,
But has it come out yet?
I'm not sure, I can’t tell,
That's a rare complication
Is what they say; what the hell?

I look in the toilet bowl
Because I'm that kind of chap,
Looking carefully at the residues
In the plethora of crap,
And now it's three days later
The evidence is unclear,
Just where did that capsule go?
I hope it comes out this year.

Ivermectin

 
I offer no advice regarding cures and quacks regarding what options a person might choose for their own healthcare. But as I recently mentioned, I won't hesitate to write about those choices.

Ivermectin
What's the deal?
I took the Pig dose
And now I squeal,
Every time 
I smell leftover dinner,
And I'm fattening up
I used to be thinner.

Joe Bob Bulaski
He took the Cow dose,
Every time he sees a tree
He stands real close,
And just the other day
He yelled, "Moooooove over",
When I was approaching
His field of clover.

His twin sister Carla
Took the one for the Sheep,
Now she wants to change her name
To Little Bo Peep,
And every time I talk to her
She says, "Stop Ba-a-a--a-thering me,
But she'll ask me to scratch her back; 
She thinks she has fleas.

Now, let me tell you about
Old Uncle Morris,
He took three doses of the stuff
Along with Aunt Doris,
They picked the package
Labelled for Equine,
Now they're galloping in the pasture
And everything is fine.

Chemicals: What's Not To Like

 
I'll get it out in the open; I am pro-vaccine. I'm pretty sure the one's I have had (and will have) offer me a healthier and better life. I won't argue differing opinions......I'm not in charge of you. But still, I can write whatever the heck I want. 

Chemicals: What Not To Like?

One of the complaints of some anti-vaxxers
They don't want to put some "unknown" chemical in their veins,
All the while the chemicals eaten, wiped on skin and soaped
Are insidiously rotting their brains, 
These are the folks who don't bother to read labels
Or study a chemical database regarding what they consume,
Brother, an MrNA vaccine is far simpler
Than most of the chemicals in your bathroom. 

Bloated Belly Bleeder

I was in close proximity to bleeding throughout my critical-care experience. My hospital dreams are commonly associated with that. This poem relates to an incident I faced when I was moonlighting at a local hospital ICU.

Bloated, a balloon-like belly
A premonition for disaster,
I called the Doc for an NG-tube
As quick as I could, only faster,
To avoid an explosion of gastric contents
Who knows what's contained in that cavity?
But I guarantee one-hundred percent
Whatever it is will meet gravity.

I place the tube in mild warm water
Then coat it with Surgi-lube slime,
I favor the stuff with Lidocaine
But Doctors don't order it all of the time,
Because some folks might be allergic
And develop carboxyhemoglobinemia,
And take it from me, old friend
That is way worse than hypoglycemia.

Call it bad luck or just my fate
The dude has a G.I. bleeder,
Blood clots just clogged up that tube
And when he vomits it smells unlike cedar,
In fact any of you working Internal medicine
Know what I'm talking about,
Blood erupting from Billy Bob's belly
Is best avoidable, there is no doubt.

Creepy Crawlies

 
Sometimes our patient's were seeing bugs (common with alcohol delirium) and sometimes the creepy crawlies were real. And of course the worse situation was when the admitted individual, brought along their own personal infestation. Yuck!

Creepy Crawlies

We had an attack
Of creepy crawlies,
Worse than any of
Sigmund’s follies.

Scooting around
So low to the ground,
Favoring darkness
Without people around.

Sneaking through cracks
Keeping close to the walls,
I did the squish’em dance
In my coveralls.

Little black ants
Crawling on the sheet,
In ICU-7
Well, that’s hard to beat;
But it was an old hospital
Down on Engle Road,
Shuttered twenty years ago
That healthcare abode.

Cell Phone Use Abuse

 

Yep, this here is a new poem about a topic that is forever bugging me.

Cell Phone Use Abuse

Cell Phone use at work
This is what I saw,
So many gross transgressions
That really stuck in my craw,
I'm talking about the bedside hours
On break-time, you can do as you like,
But if you're in charge of my dear Aunt Betty
Your cell phone needs to take a hike.

I saw nurses watching movies
During their hours of work,
In an ICU with 14 beds
And the Charge Nurse acting like a clerk,
I witnessed nurses standing at bedside
With a 1-to-1 critical dude,
Three or four life-support devices
With the nurse in a Facebook mood.

I watched Big Tom in action
Handheld pressure on a bleeder,
Cell Phone in his other hand
He’s a gun collector reader,
Reviewing the latest pistol loads
Checking on the competition,
His patient favors rifles, he says;
No word on the bleeding condition.

Then there are the photo snaps
Innocent in their intent,
Immediately posted on the web
Too late when it comes to repent,
Regarding the failure of permission
Protected information and image,
Massive punishment and fines
And your license was lost in the scrimmage.

I attended the same Orientation
Which employees must all endure,
They emphasize safety and infection control
And go on a hospital tour,
Credentials are checked, experience reviewed
And a session on Cell Phone Use,
Clear and bold is the statement
No tolerance for cell phone abuse.

Well, that is a policy rarely enforced 
Much to the detriment of many institutions,
Punishment should follow two warnings
That is the only solution,
Yet there is an occasional hospital
Where cell phone usage is under control,
That is where my Aunt Betty
Has a better chance of becoming whole.