Out of Control Family

 

Crazy Foam

They said over and over

"Now, please don't forget,

If you remember this thing

We will be in your debt".

And every time after that

They said it again,

It would have been better

On occasion, now and then.

If you will, tell the doctor

The nurses and the tech,

Uncle Bob has a problem

His kidneys are a wreck,

Please measure the contrast

As careful as can be;

I said, yes I will do that

It's important, I can see.

When Hector from Transport

Came into the room,

Aunt Mary looked at him

All dire and doom,

And once again launched

The tale of the kidney,

Like a crazy old wombat

Down Under from Sidney.

Later on, after

Man, they wanted to book,

Uncle Bob and Mary

They just had that look,

Like coming down here

Was all a mistake,

A couple Wombats from Sidney

That stepped on a snake.

We bend over backwards

Primp and placate,

Give them sausage and capers

On porcelain plate,

But some of them leave

Good behavior at home,

Instead of proper manners 

They spray crazy foam.

Double Occupancy Room

 

I had 3 different roommates over the course of 13 days. The first one had a serious head injury following an MVA. He was totally disoriented, awake 18 hours a day, 4-point restraints and constantly trying to escape. The second roommate is the subject of the following story.

Stabby Roommate

He does not want a tetanus shot,
Maybe if he had been shot three times
He would throw in his lot,
To have a simple jab
That would provide 10 years of protection,
Better than a Kevlar vest
And natural selection.

He doesn't want wound dressings removed
Because that hurts,
He doesn't want blood drawn
Needles and blood spurts,
He hasn't walked yet
He is here Day #3,
But he wants food and cigarettes
Is what he asks everybody.

Stabby stomach wound
Equates to the Diet called Clears,
To advance in a couple days
He wants smokes and beers,
He was granted a Patch
To curb his cravings,
He's a 20 year old kid
Full of posing and ravings.

Stabby young punk
Brags to compatriots on the phone,
He changes his story each time
Like he is Al Capone,
Some family arrived
Three of them said he was a fool,
Going for a slugfest with girlfriends new man
You called him out to the yard
And he pulled out a sharp tool,
And oops, your rival had backup
With a knife also…………..

So you jumped in your car
Gushing blood all over,
Drove to a closed Mercy Clinic
And finally you called 911
They saved you from pushing up clover.

And still I overheard
Your secret silly recovery plan,
You’re going to hunt down your rival
And put him down like a man.

Stabby Roomate
What a kid,
Only one family praised you
For what you did,
And you get sent home with a walker
Now, that is a piece of work,
You need to go to school kid
And become a postal clerk;
Or at least, something useful.

An Unexpected Christmas Gift

 

The poem is a retelling of "The Christmas Story"

Happy Itis

That's not exactly what it seems
Itis, ambushed me,
Three days after Christmas
I got a two week vacation in the hospital
For free.

That was a present
Unpresentable,
Something inside of me
Was fermentable,
Unknown to this owner
Thinking, hmmmm
Just indigestion?
A CAT-scan said Nope
The appendix requires ejection.

Hey, I'm 70
Complications are like ripened fruit,
Ready for consumption
To a person in their birthday suit,
But my Doctors showed genius
And the nurses have no rival,
That was key
To my blessed survival.

One more plus:
I worked there twenty years,
It made me be kind of royalty
And banished any fears,
Made sure I was on my best behavior
No complaints from this bloke,
Here I'm home 3 weeks later
Ready to write the next joke.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Christmas by itself was great

A mix of family

Good times on every plate

If Putin Was A Nurse Manager

In 1999, I joined a nursing group at our University Medical center known as "Action Nurses". Essentially, this idea was to have a Rapid Response Nurse individual (or pair of) on hand in the hospital, 24 hours a day. This idea was circulating nationwide and certainly showed value as soon as it was launched. To be an Action Nurse we needed certification in just about everything: Procedural Sedation, Radiology practices, TNCC, PALS, ACLS, at least five years (preferably more) of ICU experience. Strong IV insertion skills were necessary, across all ages preferably.

Side Note: I recently returned to the Mother Ship as a patient (not planned, but serious). The second day there, much to my surprise, I discovered the Action Nurse Team was still going strong, with quite a few more team members compared to 22 years ago. Action Nurses are revered by all who need their help.

In retrospect, many of us believe a better Manager would have been better. This poem is my take on that person, whom I have named Martha Polo. 
Without further ado:

Nurse Manager Putin

Martha Polo, sure as shootin'
She was just like Vladimir Putin,
She ruled her department with an iron fist
Her laser beam eyes never missed.

A better Commander would have been better
Than having Hannibal Lecter down to the letter,
But managers last if they are frugal and frightening
Every week they brag the budget is tightening.

Managers can be dumber than dirt
When compared to their peers,
But if they stay under budget
They will keep the job for years.

Yes, Putin had all kinds of plaques on the wall
For being fiscally frugal and that's about all,
The nurses she governed had a different opinion
But those things were kept secret in Putin's dominion.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --  -- -- -


In 2004: I had an injury and Occupational Medicine would not clear me to work patient Care.

When Vlad signed the papers for me to be separated from Nursing Services department, I discovered they swapped those out with papers for separation from the University. Two months later I got a COBRA notice from UC indicating that I no longer had health insurance. It took me a mad frantic scramble to get my benefits reinstated.

I Think Chocolate is Safe

 

If you worked with me you might wonder "what in the heck is he eating at work?" I don't ever recall buying any cafeteria food. I always brought my lunch. During the many years of hospital work, I was a non-meat eater. As a result, many of the "potluck" items brought for sharing at work, I avoided. Typical foods I might bring to work for eating: cup of yoghurt, some dried soup kind of thing (no msg), "healthy" corn chips with added nutritional yeast powder, nuts, and chocolate. Also, I would commonly bring in "good" coffee because the hospital only offered us the cheapest stuff you can imagine (bad taste).

Like many nurses I worked extra shifts in other hospitals; I called it mercenary nursing. Usually I brought good coffee! Maybe that is why I had a lot of call-backs?

You all might remember
A Nurse named Pete,
A hard worker, sometimes grumpy
Who might only eat,
The "treat" foods of Christmas
Holidays and more,
He said, "I think chocolate is safe"
Most especially "Lindor".

After all, it is packaged
One at a time,
The chocolate goodness
Is definitely sublime,
And for hardworking health-workers
Any day with a sweet,
Is a requirement my friend
According to Pete.

11/19/23

A Ghost at the Front Lines

 
I worked from January of 1978 until January of 2019 mostly in ICU settings as a Respiratory Therapist and then a Critical Care Nurse. I did my best and worked alongside many brilliant and astounding medical professionals. Like those others I have a niche of PTSD associated with that, but who doesn't?
What is more important to me are the persons I worked with during those decades whom I trusted during times of technicality and duress. I can't possibly remember them all (and I worked a lot of hospitals in California!) but it matters not, I remember the best, regardless.

I admit I'm a ghost
But I never disappear,
I worked with hundreds of people
And if you see me in ten years,
I will be just the same
As if we talked only yesterday,
It's wonderful to see you
That's what I will say.

Our service together
We worked side by side,
Sometimes it was easy
And other days a rough ride,
But I trusted your decisions
Your ideas and actions,
I never walked away thinking
There ought to be some redactions.

.
I will think, ya, we're survivors
Warriors of the same ilk,
Maybe I came from cotton
And you were of silk,
But it never really mattered
On the battlefield, my friend,
I'm really glad that I bumped into you
And that's not pretend.

See the Angels

 

The demands of our job, the knowledge we must acquire drive us to achieve something known as "Critical Thinking". This is defined as the mental process of active and skillful perception, analysis, synthesis and evaluation of collected information through observation, experience and communication that leads to a decision for action. One does not graduate from Nursing school with this tool fully formed; experience in the workplace, further knowledge obtained and a solid degree of personal confidence will move the new nurse towards that goal.

But what of critical Feeling skills? That is another thing altogether. I know that I do not have the words to lay out the recommended steps required to become an empathetic caring individual but I will say that when the tears started falling, the sobs and wails cried out, I headed for the door and called upon someone else to handle that. 
But there is another type of feeling - perception that is not taught or is little discussed in the realm of Nursing education. Perhaps when cultural topics are addressed there may be discussions regarding different spiritual practices, "pagan" beliefs, a use of amulets or items of power (the Catholic crucifix for example). To add to that, a belief of spirits, angels, demons and what have you very near to us while remaining unseen. Could all of this be possible?

Now consider that the first telephonic spoken word was transmitted electrically in 1876 by Alexander Graham Bell. Certainly, the engineering was complex but millions of people were not believers. Some would say that now in 2023 our understanding of the universe is “light-years” ahead of 1876, but that was only 150 years ago. Quantum science has demonstrated that two elemental particles can and do communicate with each other across vast regions of space, so why is it so difficult to accept the possibility that there is a spirit realm? I propose that is because science has not yet developed instruments to measure these kinds of things and as such, I will keep an open mind about it all.

Nurses and Doctors are right to keep some of their observations “unknown” in respect to things of a paranormal nature. We don’t want to be labeled as quacks or fools; however, over the past four decades of my career hundreds of patients, family members, elder relatives and friends have admitted their belief of a spirit world. In fact, most modern religions are steeped in spiritualistic unprovable phenomena. When we interview our patients & families, we are advised to keep an open mind and not to judge. Let us all agree that is a good idea and open our own minds to vast possibilities that are not yet measurable.

For the record, I witnessed a person (DNR status) come back to life after thirty minutes while being flat-line, pulseless, not breathing and declared dead by an MD. This was in an ICU in a regional medical center in southern California. That man was later discharged home in an improved state. I suspect he had some help getting back his heartbeat. Incidentally, he suffered no neurological deficit. I felt rooms become icy cold for no apparent reason and sometimes associated with the death of a patient. And also at times, where the patient expressed there were demons terrorizing them

I witnessed patients who indicated they were talking to dead relatives that were present in the room. I did not argue with that because it was obvious I had not been granted that privilege. A case in point: In our Coronary Care Unit we had a patient that had end-stage heart and organ failure and was designated as DNR. She knew her life would soon end and she stated that her Uncle and other dead relatives were in the room and telling her it was time to go. Some current family members would visit and tell the patient to stop with her crazy talk and all the while tell the patient that she was going to get better and soon come home. (now, that was truly crazy talk). At some point, the dayshift nurse encouraged the family to go to lunch so that “Mom could get some rest”. About five minutes after the family stepped out, the patient went “flatline”.  Now this was a kind of thing that I observed a number of times too, where the family effectively prevented their loved one from moving on to the next realm of life. Afterall, billions of people do believe in an Afterlife and I can accept that as a possibility.

All of this has been a lead up to a patient experience I had in May of 2008. The patient I was assigned to had developed rather suddenly a cancer that affected her heart. There was no cure, therapy or surgery that was going to interrupt this end-stage condition and she chose to die when it would come. I knew her just 12 hours and when she departed, with family at her bedside and me at the door, I felt a sensation like a cool breeze puff past me the moment she died.

See the Angels

"If only we could see the angels taking her away"
I heard those very words, when I was present the other day,
When that good woman died at the end of her shortened life
She'd been a loving mother, she had been a wonderful wife.

I can't say that I knew her
We had the briefest of introductions,
I can say that I cared for her
Because those were my instructions,
And during those few hours of care
Her spirit, I came to know,
Such that I can tell you truthfully
I felt her spirit go.

If only we could see the angels
Taking her away,
I didn't see them but they were present
When she departed yesterday.

5/7/08

1st Debris Belt

 
In the Charlie Brown Cartoon stories there is a character named Pig Pen who seems to leave a wake of dust and mess behind him wherever he goes. Let's just say that I was not a total neat-freak (like some dayshift nurses that followed me) because my main focus was getting my patient's through the night alive. The next morning an occasional muttering was heard as that day nurse fussed around the patients room making it look pretty, to their standards.

My best pal Nurse was the type that needed about 5 feet of desktop space to spread out papers, files and charts (before the EMR) leaving very little space for even one more nurse to chart. It was a bit of a joke between us and did not cause discord. Besides, she was a veritable encyclopedia of Cardiology and a great teacher as well. Anyways, a great team of nurses we were and that is the key to success wherever you work.

I have a 1st Debris Belt in Messiness
But Lana, she's got me beat,
Just trying to start an IV
There are throw-away wrappers
Covering her feet.

I have a 2nd Debris belt in Organization
I couldn't follow a list if you paid me,
That's why it's not a good idea
To try to coerce or persuade me.

Then there's my 3rd Debris belt in Entanglement
I can conjure a knot in any shoelace or cord,
Why untie, when I can more easily break it
I'm one of those employees you can not afford.

2010

Nurse: Things To Look Forward To

 

I posted this in 1997, when this Underside was a self-published endeavor. Here I am 26 years later, no longer working at the bedside but still performing some education duties. Look, Nursing isn't easy (not then and not now) but it is extremely fulfilling helping others in their time of need.

In Days Long Gone

In days long gone
Of innocent youth,
You could go to a Doctor
To get at the truth,
Because disease back then
Was fairly simple,
Unwanted babies
Or maybe a pimple,
A week in the hospital
Would do the trick,
If you didn't die
You weren't really sick,
Because medicine men
Didn't have many drugs,
No antibiotics
For bacterial bugs,
Just common sense
Like fluid and rest,
Surgical wounds
Were debrided and dressed,
Life support measures
Not yet invented,
Many more sinners
Took stock and repented.

But today, man, it's different
This hospital scene,
Each organ system
Has a machine;
Any mechanic can tell you
This carries a price,
It's Russian roulette
With a medical device.

Central line catheters
A bacterial threat,
Ground fault dysrhythmias
If a pacer gets wet,
Gastric perforation
From sump pumping hoses,
After long-term use
They'll have a nasal necrosis,
Tracheomalacia
And traumatic intubation,
Will lead to a permanent
Hoarse voiced oration,
Tympanic rupture
From a doppler detonation,
Uremic poisoning
From bladder ablation,
And that's just the patients
But what about the nurse,
Each day at the job
Is surely a curse.

Consider the dangerous
Equipment itself,
Monitor boxes
That fall off the shelf,
Land on your head
Bruising your brain,
There's no medication
For this kind of pain,
Suspended televisions
That swing in an arc,
Causing serious damage
At night, in the dark,
Colonic disasters
From overfilled pans,
Body fluid exposure
On your clothes and your hands,
Broken thermometers
With mercurial spills,
Inhaling poisonous dust
From all those crushed pills,
Exposure to X-rays
That zoom through the walls,
Effectively neutering
Ovaries and balls.

Good god, it's a nightmare
There is nowhere to hide,
But who keeps statistics
On the nurses that died,
In the course of their work
By their choice of career,
They silently vanish
Year after year,
As their spirits race homeward
At the crack of each dawn,
The days of their innocent youth
Are long gone.

Things Hospitals Don't Want the Public To Know

I was viewing the news and spotted a ridiculous reveal regarding multiple hospital entities sharing (what should be) private patient information with META (owner of Facebook). You and I both know, that is off limits.........I think we had our souls hammered with threats regarding HIPPA. 

Anyway, here is one of the links:

https://abcnews.go.com/Health/lawsuit-accuses-cedars-sinai-hospitals-website-sharing-patient/story?id=97080170

and, in Louisiana (same problem)

https://www.nola.com/news/healthcare_hospitals/lawsuit-facebook-meta-louisiana-hospitals/article_39c948ee-ac98-11ed-9da3-9bc8d9299fc5.html

I guess we didn't understand the HIPPA  acronym, after all. We were told it was:
Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act

Instead, it must really mean: 

Health Insurance Portability and Advertising Act

Sheesh, I'm finally catching on.

Golden Retriever, RN

 I retired from the hospital almost four years ago, but I keep in contact with my old crew via an occasional visit to their battlefield. 

The latest news included a couple recent retirements, an EP doctor departed without a replacement, the work flow has not changed at all (still supremely understaffed at times) and the arrival of two new staff members with purported ICU experience. Oh ya, one of them came from an ICU but did not complete the three months in training (never had gone solo). The other hiree came from an outpatient surgery setting, where the day ends at 5:30pm. Now, being assigned to a shift that is 11a-11p, this person wants to leave early every day. What the fooey??

Here is my solution:

Last year, the hospital advertised
“Hiring experienced nurses”,
This year they hired the uneducated
Because they tightened the purses,
How is it working out?
Not too well, it was a lousy solution,
I think a Golden Retriever
Would be a better substitution.

Trainable
And energetic, 
Honesty
That is not cosmetic,
Never tiring
Until they are told to rest,
Enthusiastic
About any test.

Not prone to fail
With standard training,
Reliable
With no complaining, 
They won’t pretend
To do things well,
Hire a Golden Retriever?
What the Hell!

Everyone knows
I’m no fan of the canine,
But where I work
I think they’ll be just fine.

New Hospital Equipment

In 2010 at our Level I trauma center there was a new wing of the hospital and the opening of a 20-bed ICU for Neuro, Cardiac, Thoracic and Medical acute care. What a combo! There were four large rooms designed to accommodate Bariatric patients and in general, people weighing 400 pounds and more. Lift tools and devices hanging from the ceiling on movable tracks were part of the standard room setup. Plus, there were new air beds designed for really big clients. The Administration had their fill of hype on all of this stuff, but we nurse discovered things were not so rosy when working with the equipment.

These hot new Bariatric beds

Are super mondo slalom sleds,

We position patients every hour

They slide right down under gravity power.

The bed hydraulics are definitely weak

I'll explain it now, just let me speak,

When we lower the head below the feet

It’s easy to move the patient, slick and neat,

But to bring the head up beyond a 30 degree angle

The hydraulics are too feeble, oh what a fandangle!

The nurse at the bedside must help raise the head 

Another “safety” device, liable to make me dead.

These new tech beds are for the super-heavies

Supposedly stronger than Sacramento levies,

Holding back the 100 year flood

But I'm not too sure about this BillyBob stud,

He weighed in at two hundred and twenty kilo's

And we weren't even weighing the pillows,

On beds that are rated to 500 pounds

We're approaching that number in leaps and bounds.

Beds with all the bells and whistles

Not suitable for an ICBM missile.

The beds can rotate side to side

It's really quite a pleasant ride,

But here again this weight thing irks

If you're really heavy it barely jerks,

There's a tendency for big boy Jimmy

To get stuck on one side while the bed just shimmies,

It wiggles and strains to pump air through the bellows

I wonder, “Where is the lift team, I really need those fellows?”

There are lifts on the ceiling with slings down below

When Jimmy's feeling better we can swing him real slow,

Into the chair by the window to improve his outlook on life

Then the bed will be vacant for his long suffering wife,

Her kilo's are many, her cankles are like stumps

I'm praying to Euphemia, “Dear Sister, bless these chumps”

Don't let either of them have a cardiac arrest

Our defibrillators aren't prepared for that test.

We have negative airflow isolation rooms

With lifts on the ceiling on super-strong booms,

But honestly, I'm wary about the safety of it all

Bad things happen when big people fall,

Caregivers damaged, lawsuits are brewing

When the dust has all settled, corporate will be screwing,

Around with the numbers, statistics and more

The science of big is a titanic chore.

Please, don't misinterpret my harangue on what's big

It's really an expose on the bureaucratic jig,

Million-dollar decisions from dubious advice

High cost vendor contracts at an unbelievable price,

End-users suffer at the whim of corporate decisions

Are Workers Comp injuries in the provision?

This light-hearted muse ended somber and dark

But the business of healthcare is no walk in the park.

2010

Getting Promoted

 

In my Nursing career I never did aspire for multiple degrees, all kinds of abbreviations after my name or stuff like that. My plan was to be the best ICU nurse in my realm and I studied accordingly. Yes, I attained the CCRN certification and kept it renewed for about 18 years until I was sidelined by an injury and I had to leave bedside care. Would you believe that when I was sidelined I applied (and interviewed) for 32 different positions in that organization and was not selected? It was very clear to me the facility was worried that I would get injured again. It's okay.......my time on disability counted for employment service and I retired when I achieved year 20. 

Then, I went back to work at another hospital agency in town (for 11 years). While I was there, I did apply for a Clinical Coordinator position in the Neuro ICU. Now I'm glad I was not chosen because I never did like Neuro care.

Off The Bus

We interviewed

The four of us,

And then they left us

Off the bus;

It wasn't moving

But it was gentle,

But I guess too much talent

Can be detrimental.

I interviewed

'Twas a lengthy affair,

Two separate times

In the victims chair,

The jury's decision

Was just executed,

And like a computer

I've been rebooted.

My grandiose dreams

Of wealth and power,

Lasted for only

About one hour,

Now I must return

As the horse with no fable,

Just chewing my oats

In the nursing stable.

2010

Went Viral @ Daycare

Millions of parents send their children to childcare / daycare during the hours the parents work. It never happened to me as a child and likewise, my kids never had to endure it either. Nonetheless, I understand the commonality of it. One of the chief risks to the kids and their own family revolves around the likelihood of community spread of common illnesses. I am betting that the same healthcare workers who came to work sick are the ones sending their kids to daycare, when their children are sick too.

Going Viral @ Daycare

2-year-old Bobby went viral
After he chewed on the rubber ducky,
Now 45 toddlers have herpes
This kid is more dangerous than Chucky.
Lulu is coughing and won't cover her mouth
Her parents don't believe in vaccines,
Another kid has just gone viral
And Pertussis is now on your jeans.

Your nine-month old baby is ready
To be dropped off while mom and dad work,
You'll pick up the kid on the drive back home
From an overpaid babysitting clerk,
Are you concerned at all about cleanliness?
Do you admit to a number of maybes?
Are there cats or dogs at the facility?
Then keep your eyes open for tapeworms and rabies.

Airborne and contact precautions
Are not practiced at your average play-care,
Children are carriers of community illness
Are you willing to send yours to daycare?

Mandatory Overtime

 

Newspaper articles and uproar in the media regarding the "worldwide" Nursing shortage are part of the news cycle. Some hospitals in the US are even threatening Mandatory Overtime for their remaining staff, while management scrambles and gambles for some warm bodies to take up much needed positions. 

I worked plenty of overtime and some of it was "Mandatory". Here is my message for the Hour-Brokers. 

Mr. Management: Do take note you better promise big bonus pay for that extra time you tack on at the end of any Nurse Shift. One winter, where our max-capacity hospital was always full, Managers promised a $100 bonus for each extra shift (or overtime). That only lasted for two weeks, when we busy beavers noted (angrily) that we did not get $100, but rather, about $53 because taxes had been removed. Suddenly, no one wanted to work extra!

Mandatory Overtime
Sure, it happened to me,
We had Out-Patients
Not ready to leave, you see,
And even though my 12-hours
Was all said and done,
There were no replacements
To join in the fun.

Technically our shift ended
At eleven pm,
But Betty Joe Bolotnick
Hocked up bloody phlegm,
Near the end of her recovery
After an infusion of Reopro,
Damn, that stuff can make you bleed
Don't you know?

Instead, she needed to be admitted
But there were no beds,
We called Tom, Dick and Harry
And even some Fred's,
They had no answer
Other than, just wait and see,
Two more hours rolled past
And finally a bed was free. 

Working the Recovery shift from
10:30 am, to eleven P,
That was perfectly
All right with me,
But we were supposed to close
The unit and tuck it in,
For the five in the morning crew
Neat as a pin.

Mandatory Overtime 
Is okay if you know,
When they told you about it yesterday
You would be ready to go,
Just a while longer
At the end of your day,
But: They better pay you DOUBLE!
Otherwise; NO WAY!

Sushi and Cod

If you're a Nurse, you know that patient's and their family do lie to you. Most usually about their extracurricular activities. Frankly, I don't care if they are running an illegal confederation; what I care about is their drug, nicotine and alcohol habits. Some people will develop withdrawal symptoms within 6 hours of not using.

To any colleagues I may have had
Over the years,
I wrote most of it on paper
There's laughter and tears,
From sputum to lymph
The blood and all that crap,
I wrote about all of it
Because it landed on my lap.

Television Nurses
Are rarely depicted,
Covered head to toe
With crap unpredicted,
Or ascites fluid spraying
All over their back,
A lake of it accumulating
All the way out of the shack.

I always shielded names
No one ever could know,
About Billy Bob Borko
And his psychedelic show,
When he consumed mushrooms
Heroin and meth,
Not to mention the alcohol
Saturating his breath.

His family told me
He would never do drugs,
They did not believe the tox-screen
Praise Jesus and all the hugs,
But we knew better
It was all one grand facade,
Like a public display
Of Sushi and Cod.

Nurses Retired

 

I've kept up with a few of my retired friend Nurses over the years. We know that we were control freaks (I'm talking about ICU Nurses); it was our duty and job to be that way. If you the patient weren't behaving, you earned some drugs to relax you. If family was too irritating, there were channels to go through to stop that crap. But what about when we retire?

I’m just a simple control-freak
That’s what Nurses become,
We like to control situations
The to and the from,
During that 12-hour period
While you were in my care,
It was my duty to protect you
From the door to the bed to the chair.

I’m just a simple control-freak
I expect your best behavior,
You need to understand
That I am your savior,
When I’m in the room
Please do what I ask,
Best result, best outcome
If I can complete my task

Now:
I’m an elderly control freak
And I have no control,
Life is so simple
And that is my goal,
But those jerks on the freeway
With their bad driving behavior?
Make trouble for me
You’re going to need a savior.

Going Home

 

How the majority of Nurses feel when it's time to go home from work.

I have to go home
When I'm tired of the bull,
All the idiotic innuendo
I eventually get full,
All the Care-plan duplications
And the relentless charting,
I have to go home now
Goodbye, I'm departing.

I have to go home
When my inertia is lost,
It was stolen by someone
Or maybe it was tossed,
Into the trash by mistake
By the legally blind,
I have to go home now
I hope you don't mind.

I can't stay any longer
Unless you're willing to pay,
Double-time for my troubles
There's just no other way,
That I can put up with this garbage
That I shoveled all night,
Don't threaten to keep me
I'll put up a fight.

I'm home now and happy
Just typing this note,
A glass of wine in my hand
While my thoughts drift and float,
On the stream of contentment
Amidst bubbles and foam,
I'm so glad I left work
Because now I am home.

Shot of Ice

 

I did write this back in 2016 and if you have done a look-back you would have found it. Recently a close family member had surgery that resulted in prolonged NPO status (I mean 3 months long). This poem came to mind and now seems even more appropriate. The premise of the poem is another one of my insane inventions.

Objective:
For the patient who is requesting every 5-10 minutes some ice to satisfy their water cravings. (typically when they are NPO or fluid restricted).
The device could be set for time intervals or number of allotments.

Mechanism:
Automatic spoonful of ice - injector. Hangs from ceiling or a shelf unit. It might look like a movie projector. Pull the trigger and it drops ice into patient’s mouth. Alternate delivery where a targeting laser finds the patient's mouth and the device shoots an aliquot of ice directly into the orifice. 

Secondary benefit: Range-of-motion exercise for patient's head and neck. 

Best benefit: Nurse doesn't have to go in room every 10 minutes to deal with whiny patient.

There's a brand new gadget
A medical device, 
It will solve a problem
At a reasonable price,
A germ of an idea
That sprouted and grew,
After consulting
With thousands of you.

In the hospital setting
There are certain reasons,
We withhold fluids
Even in the rainy season,
NPO
Except for meds,
Makes patients crazy
Jacked up in their beds.

A genius idea
Came to me,
After 30 years
Of singing la-dee-dee,
As patients whined
And threatened with violence,
Why even an ice-chip
Would provide us with silence.

After mulling ideas
And asking advice,
I have finally released
The "Shot of Ice",
A revolutionary tool
With multiple uses,
No need to fall back
On ridiculous excuses.

Set-up is simple
Quick and easy,
It has a high-tech look
Nothing cheesy,
Plug it in, turn it on
Just follow directions,
One minute or less
It's ready for ejections.

Have the patient hold still
To adjust aim and distance,
Or set it on automatic 
For the path of least resistance,
It can be voice actuated
With timing controls,
Adjust by the teaspoon
Or set it on, "Bowls".

The patient can choose
What they say for the trigger,
Like, "hit me again, baby
But this time, something bigger",
Or maybe a whistle 
A clap or a moan,
For the technocrats
There's an app for the phone. 

"Siri, hit me up
I want to roll the dice,
Shoot me, babe
With some flavored ice!"

.

When Colleagues Die

 
This is an "old" poem from thirty years ago. A highly respected, universally loved physician had a cardiac arrest at a nearby tennis court. Paramedics brought him to the hospital for direct delivery to the Cardiac Cath lab and then he was rushed to our Coronary Care ICU. I volunteered to be the receiving nurse. Our new patient was completely unstable, in cardiogenic shock and as soon as he was brought to the room his cardiac rhythm was V.Fib. The code-blue was run for about thirty minutes without success and his loss was a devastating blow to everyone who knew and worked with him.

A couple weeks later, I wrote the following poem.

Our Colleague, Our Friend

The sadness comes and goes
But never really leaves,
Good friends die on our doorstep
And everybody grieves,
Most of us struggle home
Drained to the core of our being,
I was there at his side
And now I am fleeing,
Running and hiding
With a feeling I can't shake,
I want to retire
Because there's too much at stake.

A glass of wine helps
I can rhyme with real meaning,
The feelings tumble out
Without desensitized screening,
I can talk the emotion
Though I don’t know the price,
Will it ever be resolved?
When my soul feels like ice.

There’s so much at stake
But I keep going back,
There are people to care for
And we have the knack,
To reach into their lives
And find a place where we fit,
Everybody’s different
It just takes a little bit,
Of thoughtfulness and attention
To inspire some hope,
But for us, the noble caregivers
How do we cope?

This was the end of the road
The last of all dances,
Where everyone in the room 
Ran out of chances,
And I walked away
Feeling empty and sad,
This unfortunate fellow
A husband and Dad,
And I silently prayed
Until the very end,
Lord, comfort this soul
Of our colleague and friend.

------------------

I still feel the emotion + sadness to this day, every time I read this poem