Hat Trick

It makes me squirma when I think of Derma!

Dr. K, told me
"Put a lid on it dude",
Regarding my bald head
She wasn't being rude,
And keep the sunscreen near
Like a secret affair,
Your head is too exposed
Without any hair.

Dr. K. appears
Predisposed, to do good,
Protect the Derma of life
Just like we all should,
Residing in the tropics
Fair-skinned Europeans,
Not to be confused with
Northern Koreans.

Sure, that made no sense
This topic is skin deep,
While trying to rhyme it
I know I've lost sleep,
But the takeaway message
Is, protect at all cost,
Or with each visit to Dr. K.
You'll buy some Nitrogen frost.

Pension Apprehension

As the stock market has gone up and down for the last 80 years in a somewhat predictable cycle, countless folks get wigged out regarding their retirement funds. Who knows whatever crystal ball they are consulting over at Hugs Marijuana Dispensary on Stockton Blvd; it just won't do anything to relieve their apprehension.

She has apprehension
Regarding her pension,
Every day she's checking
With excessive attention,
Did my stocks go up
Did the NASDAQ go down,
Point spreads and derivatives
Should I smile or frown?

Her apprehension
Is causing hypertension,
But she skips her pills
And, I forgot to mention,
That she loves salt
Fried food and cake,
A stroke is scheduled tomorrow
Just before she comes awake.

Too bad, Betty
You didn't pay attention,
You'll never enjoy a penny
From your well deserved pension,
Because, Bobby your hubby
Has a girlfriend on the side,
And as your beneficiary
He'll be happy you died.

Dental Dana 46

This scrumptious Dental diva is a force to be reckoned with, and I think that after reading this one, you'll get the whole picture.

Dental Dana
She advises,
Don't pinch me sir
I don't like surprises,
Just keep your hands
On the arm of the chair,
And whatever you do
Don't caress my hair.

Dental Dana
Is a business-like babe,
If you mess with her
It's Abu Ghraib,
A notorious prison
In a far away land,
It's a promise, she said
If you touch me with your hand.

Dental Dana
She's the rave,
Don't mess with her
Or it's autoclave,
Which I have heard
Is steamy and hot,
But I suspect
First; I'll be shot.

Dental Dana said to me
If you touch me again
I'm a bumble bee,
Just let me do my job, good sir
Or you can swallow this diamond burr.

I said Dental Dana
Won't you scratch my back?
Just about that time
She lanced my plaque,
Typically scraped
And reduced by sanding,
So now, I'm thinking
We have an understanding,

She then, replied
Sir, take note,
If you touch me again
I'm drilling your throat,
Giving you an emergency
Tracheotomy,
Wrap your mind around that
And stop grabbing at me.

Retirement

I went to a Cardiology conference yesterday, and as usually noted, the average age in that room must have been at least age 50. Younger nurses don't go to conferences on Saturday mornings. It is just too easy to get your continuing education hours from the Internet, cheap and simple, basket weaving and macrame. So essentially, it was a room full of retired, or almost ready to retire old nurses.

A field of experts
Or experts in a field,
Everyone with a niche
Their knowledge conjealed,
A recognition of faces
A nod or a wave,
What's happening, where ya been?
Did you remember to behave?

All of us older ones
Amazed, we're still in the game,
But what's the alternative
Everything else seems too tame,
And though retirement seems attractive
It could be boring as hell,
And give up a good paycheck?
Might seem like a bombshell.

5/7/16

Skin Doctors

I went back to the Dermatologist for a reevaluation, and sure enough, they whipped out the Liquid Nitrogen and sprayed it at me again. Then, I was so bold as to have them examine something below my lip, and out came the scalpel. Suffice to say, that although these youngsters look innocent, they are flat out Dangerous!

As I mentioned before
In that previous silly rhyme,
In case you weren't listening
I'll repeat it one time,
How the specialist of skin
Called a Dermatologist,
Gets up close and personal
And that is the gist,
Of my every close encounter
When they poke and prod my skin,
Spouting 6 syllable words
For my covering, so thin,
But I guess there are layers
Albeit, rarely exposed,
That's where all the action is
To keep homeostasis closed,
From the outside environment
What's beneath, the event horizon,
If your skin is torn asunder
There's no telling what flies in.

Well, that's another story
Regarding thermoregulation,
Not to be included
In my current oration,
No, that's on Channel 10
With Dr. Whodayaknow,
Between pills and new potions
On that dog and pony show.

Toothache

If the area beneath a tooth is aching like the dickens, get off to the Doctor, will ya? If you have poorly controlled Diabetes, you haven't seen a Dentist in 7 years, and in general, you're noncompliant with your health.............your toothache is a death sentence. And frankly, if you don't go to the ER, until there is pus seeping from your eyes from that abscess, it's pretty clear, you are destined to leave the planet.

Cultivating an abscess
A tooth unattended,
Bulging eyes with purulent pus
Not recommended,
Paranasal sinuses
Infected with goo,
Seeps into the brain
Sticks there like glue.

Grossly septic
Bacteria in command,
You need a breathing tube
Your head a swollen gland,
Suffice to say, your consciousness
Has gone off the deep end,
This out of control infection
Is too late to apprehend.

Dental Dana 45

I was getting worried about Dental Dana, having had no exciting encounters for quite a while..........until now. Here's the latest reported sighting.

Dental Dana
She's well bred,
But she doesn't let it
Get to her head,
She drives a little
Red Corvette,
Though she hasn't let me
Ride in it yet.

She tells me, Dude
You gotta behave,
You're always a naughty
Dental slave,
During dental
Dentition class,
You bite my fingers
And give me sass.

Well, I can't help it
She's hot stuff,
No amount of pain
Is never enough,
Like magnets attract
Or do they oppose?
I'm not sure
She just lanced my nose.

Skin.......the largest Organ

As a descendant of Europeans, I suffer from pale skin syndrome, and thus, am subject to sun exposure issues. Look, my skin is old, Ok? and now the medical specialists are having a look and finding new and exciting ways to remove it. It seems their favorite method is a short blast of liquid Nitrogen vapor at a cool (minus-320F, -195C, or 77K). Funny how it burns, for something so cold.


I went to the Dermatologist
To have my fortune told,
She said I looked real good
But my skin is old,
Not sure how to take that
I gave her the eye,
I said, "C'mon Dr. K.
I don't want to die,
So, just go ahead
And freeze some more skin,
I suspect they have a contest
To see who will win,
The frozen lesion award
Must be a daily wager,
It keeps everyone excited:
Why they keep checking their pager.

Just another day
At the Dermatologist,
Someone caressing my skin
And I wasn't even kissed,
They run a clean establishment
What they do, isn't massage,
No, I think they could call it
A skin remover garage.

Sis Boom Bah

The repercussions
Of a cardiac arrest,
It gives you an opportunity
To challenge the last test,
In the course of your life
To discover who you are,
Did you study enough
To at least make par?

Statistics aren't great
For immediate survival,
Not many folks
Make a hospital arrival,
About 11 percent
Live on, for more action,
But only 8 percent can claim
No brain subtraction.

Sudden Cardiac Arrest
In two thousand eleven,
More than 400 thousand
Trying to go to heaven,
That 11 percent survival rate
Is nothing to whistle about,
Unless your objective was
To become a bean sprout.

How to improve on
Your risk of demise?
Have a Defibrillator near
For the big surprise,
Strap one to your back
Or just vote them into use,
You might need one in the future
When you're playing caboose.

With a shockable rhythm
At your witnessed arrest,
Those are two of the ingredients
For passing the test,
Where the helpful Good Samaritan
Grabs the A-E-D,
Follows the idiot-proof instructions
Thinking, "I'm glad it's not me".

Now your chances of survival
Increased 300 percent,
That's nothing to sneeze at
For living intent,
Where the balance of the crowd
Will continue on to heaven,
Looking for George Carlin
At the Seven Eleven.

A-E-D
Like la-dee-da,
Increases opportunity
For sis-boom-bah,
Though occasionally not
For the moron's in the crowd,
The Methamphetamine user
No longer endowed,
With a functional brain
In his meth-adjusted head,
One more drug user
Dead on the bed.

All in all
It is best to avoid,
Because cardiac arrest
Will make you unemployed,
Your wife and kids won't like that
'Cuz even if you survive,
Everyone will wonder
How long you'll stay alive,
And consider the option called
Neurological dysfunction,
It leaves you sitting on the couch
Watching Petticoat Junction.

Cardiac Arrest
Is a life changing event,
If you don't fly off to heaven
Say your prayers and repent.

Cardiac Arrest Rant

Playing in the ICU arena again, almost every week there is another victim of a Cardiac Arrest, in lieu of a new Heart attack (STEMI). Four instances, and the victims were under the age of 60. Surprise, surprise, the 36 & 50 year old showed Methamphetamine on the Urine Tox screen. Three men and one woman, all were smokers. Mr. 46 & 57, looked at least ten years older than stated age. The 50 year old was obese, and had "just" learned two months ago that they had Hypertension, CHF, Asthma and Diabetes. I think it is safe to assume, the Asthma is really COPD secondary to smoking.

What's my point? All of these conditions are acquired and caused by personal health choices. In our metropolitan area there are billboards touting the importance of taking care of one's heart, making good food choices and stop smoking. All of us have been beaten over the head for the past 40 years, regarding what's good for us. But folks continue to do whatever they heck they want. Oh ya, out of the crew previously mentioned, only one had a job, and that was cleaning houses. Hence, not one of them had any insurance better than Medi-Cal. That means the rest of us employed folks, are footing the bill through our tax dollars. 

Deep-Sixed

Quite frankly, having no new ideas in a month had me thinking my creativity had been deep-sixed. Then I realized, I'm back working in Adult ICU territory, and that is the location of inspiration!

Not writing very much
In the most recent epoque,
Nothing so exciting
As to marvel and shock,
Though my triumphant return
To the land of I-C-U,
Is an eye opening reminder
About the words that are due.

Very little has changed
In the past five years,
Just a couple new drugs
The same sicknesses, poor dears,
Undergoing restorations
That fail the final test,
Instead of gaining new life
They discover eternal rest.

Those statistics are shuffled
Into the middle of the deck,
Sure, they learn about risks
And what to expect,
In the one to two weeks
Of anticipated post-op,
Your recovery expectation?
To home, you will hop.

Surgery was well done
A valve and two bypasses,
Up in the chair the next day
With your dentures and glasses,
But then Atrial Fib
Sent a clot to your brain,
Ninety days later
You're on the comfort care train.

The operation was successful
Your heart problem was fixed,
Unfortunately, your future
Was slowly deep-sixed.

3/24/26

Oops you're dead

Once again my NY Resolution is to better organize the writings, and I run across stuff that seems to have remained just as good as it was back in 1992.

Cruising Heaven

A mysterious event

Happened just today,

The man said, "I don't feel so good"

Then his heart beat went away.

I told him not to do that

But he didn't seem to care,

His heart rate slowed dramatically

Until it wasn't there.

With bells and buzzers ringing

We wailed upon that man,

His color went from purple

To a lovely desert tan.

He received a hit of Atropine

Some Calcium and Epi,

He replied with tachy rhythms

But his pump just wasn't peppy.

With the force of seven doctors

And the strength of twenty nurses,

Collectively their aura

Dispelled the evil curses,

That bound him to his destiny

In a room without a view,

Now he's cruising heaven's highways

With an angel friend or two.

1992

Bullying

Addressed to the youngsters and new Nurses out there, trying to fit into the battlefield of your fresh, and exciting career. Understand, that bullying happens at all spectrums, not just at the beginning. Bullying and Hazing are the power plays perpetrated by persons who feel weak and threatened. If it is too aggressive and persistent, then be a whistle-blower. Otherwise, you can do your best, to be the best, and those suckers will be trampled and wasted.

Please don't be offended
If I offend,
You were bullying me
No, let's not pretend,
The practice of hazing
Never loses its appeal,
You have shown your true colors
And earned the brown seal.

You can call me a mercenary
Yep, I'm the hired gun,
Someone high above you
Decided to give it a run,
And new ideas can threaten
The current status quo,
I sense your hostility
But I'm bulletproof, bro.

"Why didn't you do this?"
Well, babe, you didn't ask,
We mercenary types
Love to be given a task,
I'll show you my skills
You'll see nothing was missed,
But if I show initiative
You'll probably be pissed........
You're the type that would complain
"I never told you to do that"
You can't have it both ways
Now you wear the brown hat.

Each time that I work with you
I will practice my best,
And I will remember
That you failed the first test.

Limelight

Some people have extremely persistent and recurrent Atrial Fibrillation. They might have undergone several Ablation procedures, and may require prescribed antiarrhythmic medications, and still they go back into A. Fib. It is surely a drag (and expensive, I assure you). That's when we pull out the big gun in the arsenal; Ibutilide. It is a complex, and possibly dangerous option, as it is known to cause Ventricular Tachycardia at times (or worse). Typically, the patient's Potassium and Magnesium levels will be measured (and supplemented if necessary). After the IV administration of the drug, we hope to see spontaneous conversion to Sinus Rhythm, or possibly they have just been properly primed for Electrical Synchronized Cardioversion. Whatever the case may be, they will always be monitored for 4 hours, after the administration of that drug.

Ibutilide
I haven't tried,
Nor have I tasted
Dofetilide,
A shot of those
And a 4 hour viewing,
If electrolytes are off
V.Tach may be brewing.

First, a few PVC's
And then bang, it's V. Tach,
If you can't cough out of it
We go ahead and shock you back,
But who wants to do that
Maybe only Hellboy,
Lucifers spawn
Disguised as the Bellboy.

Sometimes Ibutilide
Works just like magic,
Converting your A. Fib
Avoiding outcomes more tragic;
And that's why we watch you
For a standard four hours,
So we can meet at the Limelight
And toast, whiskey sours.

2/23/16

Budget Poison

Sprayed with Mace

To clarify
My biggest reasons,
Why I left
The largest treasons,
The short shrift shift
The demand and the stress,
And the daily reminders
Of the budget mess.

Management
They should know better,
What's more important?
Than a happy client letter,
'Tis the morale of their staff
How they feel treated,
If you don't honor them
They will feel cheated.

And rightly so
Because employees do the work,
Better than a teenager
Fountain soda clerk,
But if you treat them the same
And toss them off the ship,
They will leave you in droves
My advice: Take this tip.

Four and half years
I heard about billing hours,
It was never my responsibility
To schedule or pick the flowers,
That would grace tomorrow's table
It is the nature of our biz,
Not to know, if the next day workload
Would be colossal or just a whizz.

Don't take it out on the employees
Just stop buying stupid shit,
Two-thousand dollar, lock-wires
That's the least of it,
When you could have gone to Home Depot
Bought zipties; cost a buck,
Your fancy wire holders
Surely, they will suck.

Every week I heard about
Billing hours are too short,
Close to 700 days
I am sorry to report,
The duration of my employment
Four years, it's too bad,
I did the work of many
A virtual Galahad.

The Holy Grail is missing
At Sister Euphemia's place,
When they talk about the budget
'Twas like spraying us with mace.

Happiness is............

A new position, returning to a prior hospital. This seems to be repetitive theme in my life, where I work at certain hospitals a couple of times, on different occasions, with a different job description. If you had a look at my career resume, you'd see what I mean.

Anyway, I just finished the final night of my current job, before I begin the new job in two days. I'm leaving the old job because of the way the Unit is managed, and how it is perpetually understaffed, during the final 6 hours of the day. In general, it has become too stressful to me, and I find myself angry every day that I work. So, why should I think that my last day at work, should be a walk in the Rose Garden? Well, I'm not that stupid, and sure enough, the during the final 5 hours, I experienced a major lashing.

Last night at work
And I was abused,
Visitors and family
Shoulda been excused,
Instead, they attacked
With vim and with vigor,
Almost blew my cool
And pulled the trigger.

Betty Lou had
A rabid relation,
Standing up for her
Like a Nazi invasion,
Attacking whoever
Entered their space,
Demanding name, rank and number
From every new face.

Rabid Roxanne
Said her name was Suzi,
She spoke to everyone
Like she was shooting an Uzi,
As if every each one of us
Was in some Cabal,
With verbal vehemence
She was begging a brawl.

Then there was Margaret
She fell yesterday morning,
Perhaps, it was an omen
A heart attack warning,
That prompted Emergency
To send her to us,
A Cardiac Alert
Creates a lot of fuss.

Her family was hungry
Exhausted and tired,
Fourth time for a bedpan
When my minutes expired,
And I had to settle Buster
After a general anesthetic,
The son went berserk
Saying, "Your bedside manner is pathetic".

He was ranting and raving
As I walked away,
After Rabid Roxanne
He might just "make my day",
As I pondered my inner
Dirty Harry, impression,
It's my last night at work
What's with all this aggression?

Finally, Betty Lou went home
And Margaret, got a bed,
And I went home to Merlot
To settle my head.

2/22/16

Paradigm

A dismal outlook in the nursing paradigm.

I applied
For another position,
I'm just a Nurse
And not a Physician,
But one might think
I'm a valued C-E-O,
Cuz the folks where I work
Don't want to let me go.

Come on, there's a million
Nurses, just like me,
Willing to be abused
For the same, almost free,
They have graduated
Are desperate for a job,
They don't care about a watch
With a matching fob.

Oh, the market is strange
In the Healthcare dominion,
This isn't like Law School
And someone's opinion,
Just hire a warm body
Then, throw it on the pile,
If they survive....?
Let them stay for awhile.

You have to kill someone
Four times ten,
To get any attention
And even then,
No one gives a hoot
If they're dead or alive,
You're still guaranteed a job
If you'll come to work at five.

Time to Go

Charge nurse comes to me several times yesterday and says, "Joe Bob, please don't go" (in response to the fact I had the gall to go out and find another job). Suddenly, they pretend to play nice. They say, I could just work 8 hours, would that be less stressful?

Later that day, as we are leaving at 12.75 hours on the shift, and I'm reflecting on the documentation I skipped from 7 hours ago (finally taking care of it would have cost another hour of overtime). Frankly, I'm just too damn tired to do it, and we both want to go home; I say to myself, "Quitting is healthy".

Another nurse said, "Joe Bob, you have options because of your ICU background". Well frankly, I have options, because I made a point of keeping myself current, and educated for 30 years in my field of expertise.

9 Recoveries, 5 Discharges, 3 invasive catheter removals amounting to 1.5 hours of at the bedside time, providing meals and water and fluffing, plus all day educational teaching, plus my own and others necessary break-time, and all of the side consulting like helping other nurses and doctors, and jam all of that into 12 hours.................and try to fit in the necessary legal and prudent documentation?

The other two nurses I worked with had the same experience. We're all burned out, but I'm leaving.

Because, it's time to go.

Job Fight

I applied for a job..........and they are fighting to keep me.

Sure, I'm angry
Listen, why not?
They say I can't leave
Cuz I'm too hot,
The guy who solves
The toughest of tests,
I can't help it
They think I'm the best.

Really, I'm not
I have limitations,
I have a ringing sound
In my eustachians,
It is always there
It might make me crazy,
But they know my secret
I'm not lazy.

I work harder than most
That's just what I do,
I can't help it
If I'm better than you,
I busted my brain
To get where I'm at,
I'm a non-meatarian
Without any fat.

I'm older than most
Of the other Nurses,
Which means I've endured
The brunt of all curses,
Levelled and fired
Bad aim or lucky,
Why I'm still standing?
Ask the Donners in Truckee.

Don't Blame the Dogs

I'll tell you all about my changing jobs another day; now, I have to review another batch of stupid humans. The other day, we had a transfer from an outside hospital. The gentleman had the looks of a recent heart attack, and he came to us for Cardiac Cath and possible PCI. He had the usual comorbidities, so maybe he really did need to have a pow-wow with Fi-Fi the poodle mix-something dog. What do I know?.........I'm just the Nurse specialist keeping an eye on Bob.

Stupid humans
Don't blame the dogs,
Other kinds of pets?
Let's say,
Aardvarks and hogs,
Would ya bring 'em to the hospital
Draped on your arm,
Why the Hell not
If they don't do any harm.

C'mon, don't be a jackass
Please leave them in the car,
As a Nurse, I have to wonder
Is your brain smothered in tar,
From whatever you're smoking
But no, this is the West Coast...
Where any damned kind of animal
Is like a slice of white toast.

Take them to the hospital
Carry'em to church,
On your lap in the car
In the name of research,
Say, they are a companion
They assist you in life,
You're divorced 3 times
Fi-Fi is better than a wife.

Why shouldn't it be Ok?
Fi-Fi keeps clean,
She licks her private parts
Kisses my face, see what I mean?
And I don't get sick
So why should your babies,
If Fi-Fi tries to lick them
Fer sure, they won't get rabies.

So, don't take offense
When I call Security,
When your frickin friendly ferret
Offends my sense of purity,
When I have no idea
What viruses he has colonized,
My patient with Lymphoma
Surely has been compromised.

I just can't get over it
But I won't blame the pet,
It's the owner with a pea brain
They are clearly the threat.

Death at Work

How many nurses actually die at work? I have no idea, but know it does happen. Certainly, our job contains inherent immediate danger to many of us, but what about your sudden demise in the workplace. Domestic violence is becoming a big risk I think, but in general I am pondering the health-death scenario.

Work could kill me
Just like Billy Bob,
Dying at work
Just doing his job,
He was the greatest
That's what we all say,
The best of the best of the best
Any day.

Now he's gone
And what about prevention,
Was there a prodrome
Vying for attention?
Signs and symptoms
Calling him out,
Or was the killer silent
Until his dying shout.

Tho, I don't think he shouted
He just dropped, kerplunk,
They think his aorta
Ripped inside the trunk,
An unknown condition
The dude was healthy as a horse,
The doctor's wonder, Marfan's?
He was long and tall, of course.

Could that happen to us, we wonder
Kick the frame, while on the job?
Where decay and inflammation
Reduced you to a simmering blob,
Returning to the protoplasmic
Origins of life,
Make sure ya have a good insurance
To cover the kids and wife.

Too late now, we miss him
He was a great nurse, that's for sure,
Now, he's floated off to heaven
For a thousand maidens, pure.

Excessive Ambition

This one isn't about me, although it initially looks that way. No, it reviews the actions of a physician, who clearly made the wrong decision; he chose to operate on stable patients, instead of dealing immediately with a life-threatening emergency. Maybe he figured, that merely through his psychic sense of medical mastery, he could delay, and everything would be alright. And in fact, the patient did not crump. However, the choice to postpone placement of a Pacemaker, did force an overnight wait, with just a temporary fix.

The boss won't believe it
But I'm not lying,
We worked overtime
To keep people from dying.

Joe Bob Billy
In 3rd degree,
The family is anxious
Their asking me,
Why have we waited
Eight hours in this booth,
I think I know the answer
But I can't tell the truth.

Doctor E.P.
Is shuffling the deck,
Ignoring your emergency
Thinking, oh, what the heck,
You're talking, and stable
And he's in control,
Everything will be fine
When it's time to rock and roll.

Later on, at 1030
He calls Surgery, for a room,
Saying, "This is an emergency!"
"Complete heart block, spells doom",
But Surgery can't accommodate
His late night demands,
The blame for the delay
Is all in his hands.

Now, it's time for lame excuses
"I'll place a temporary pacer",
And tomorrow, my partner
Can be the blackboard eraser,
Removing my mistakes
My errors of omission,
But the fly on the wall knows
'Twas excessive ambition.

Episodic Affliction

Another round of stress related AFib at work; it only took 30 minutes of morning chaos to set it off.

Stress at work
Caused my A. Fib,
A chaotic pounding
Beneath my rib,
It doesn't feel good
I attest,
The best thing to do?
Go home and rest.

The event this time
I suspect the cause,
Yesterday was chaos
High demand, no pause,
Now the same today
After a 10 hour rest,
Too much work stress
I failed the test.

At least 33 patients
On the morning list,
No extra Nurse
I'm already pissed,
Taking 3 reports
One after another,
And then, two more
I ran to Mother.

I said, I can't handle
The get-ready guy,
I don't have enough arms
I can run, but not fly,
So, find a solution
We need help in our crib,
Then, while taking report
I went into A. Fib.

Having done this before
Just one month prior,
I needed an instant
One day retire,
To put an end
To my episodic affliction,
Despite knowing my departure
Would cause some friction.

One hour following
Propafenone,
Rhythm converted
To the Sinus zone,
It always performs
As advertised,
Though it needs 4 hours
To be formalized.

Doctor E.P.
Had his say,
Strongly advising
Ablation today,
But I'm not convinced
Regarding that narration,
I work in the field
And see every complication.

That E.P. dude
Offered a free ablation,
But I responded
"I just need a vacation",
He turned away
And shed a tear,
Because "No" is an answer
He hates to hear.

Well, that's my story
Related once again,
A paroxysmal episode
Just happens now and then,
And when I finally choose
The invasive endeavor,
I'll find an expert doctor
With a lightning laser lever.

Anti-vaxer Barbarians

Finally, a poem regarding the practice of anti-vaccination.

Barbarians

I completely support a mandate
In favor of vaccination,
I am a health-care worker
With a moral obligation,
To protect the vulnerable citizen
The young, the old, the compromised,
With multiple health conditions
And so much research; I'm surprised,
When medical professionals
Indeed, any public attendant,
Claims a singular, personal exception
For their self or their dependent.

I'd rather allow a gun
For the greater good and everyone,
That would be safer, than allowing you
The anti-vaxer point of view,
Based on personal choice
And a dubious set of facts,
Why not bring your family to the chopping block
I'm just now sharpening my ax.

I can not fathom the concept
Public servants, sworn to protect,
College educated
With scientific neglect,
Promoting anti-vaccination
These health-care-less proletarians,
More dangerous than Genghis Khan
And hordes of barbarians.

1-6-16

Survival Decision

Obesity is an all gender issue. Luckily I don't suffer from it, nor do I know all of the causes, influences, treatments, solutions and so on. I just write about it as it affects my Nursing experience. This time I chose "he" instead of "her" to show my sensitive nature.

Survival Decision

At 5 foot 3

Three hundred seventy nine,

Even a hundred pound weight loss

Would be, right and fine,

But no, just the opposite

Since his previous visit,

He had gained another hundred

And wonders, why is it?

That he suffers hypertension

And diastolic dysfunction,

At 48 year old

He is at a crucial junction.

Moaning and groaning

And thick as a brick,

His weight is a death sentence

He needs to fix it right quick,

Because his lack of good health

Is a result of the weight,

Multi-organ dysfunction

Would like to schedule a date.

No diabetes

And no heart disease,

Pulmonary hypertension

Could kill him with a sneeze,

The cure is diet and exercise

And a stomach revision,

Survival is an option

But awaits his decision.

12/27/15

A Blogger and a Clogger

Nursing can be bloody, messy work. Oh, ya, because that's part and parcel, to some area's of the trade. Paramedics, EMT's, operating rooms and all the rest.................there is blood coming out. I'm not grossed out, or frightened, and yes, I see dead people. But, I am never cavalier about it. I'm careful and cautious...............afterall, I'm a Clogger by trade.


First I was a Nurse
And then became a blogger,
In the course of a work day
I'm an expert vessel clogger.

Folks come to us for recovery
After artery and vein poking,
When those same patients see what we remove?
They know we're not joking,
Regarding bleeding and bruises
And horrid hematoma's,
Still some will go home
Like they were in a deep coma,
Hence, they ride the motorcycle tomorrow
Up the highway to Kingvale,
Stop for gas, and fall down
Dusky and pale,
Because they didn't notice
The fifty mile groin bleed,
There's no cure for stupidity
When it comes to riding that Harley steed.

We try not to make them worry
No, it's better to be wary,
99% won't bleed
It's the 1% that's scary,
Because usually, that's Billy Bob
Doing what he does best,
Compliant taking the blood thinner
Stupid about the all the rest.

If Nurses were compensated like Hedge Fund Managers

Not long ago there was an article / video circulating the outernet titled, "If Restaurants Were Run Like Healthcare". Also, in 2005, there was the catchy fable titled, "If Disney Ran Your Hospital". To me, it was just more management hype regarding the purported inefficiencies of the worker people, how we are dragging down profits and operating in a milieu of chaos.

But what if workers, were treated like the benevolent and caring Royalty, that they are?

NurseMart

If only we were in business

Like the local grocery store,

We'd earn a flat percentage

For every pill and chore,

Every spoken word of teaching

Every gesture of compassion,

There'd be seasonal variations

Like the latest winter fashions.

For special big events

There could be a bonus format,

It would beat the present system

Where we're treated like a doormat,

For example, we could compensate

Events like CPR,

If you succeed, and bring'em back

You win the big cigar.

Your patient was combative

He tried to stab the candy-striper,

She’s the daughter of the CEO

You win the keys to his Dodge Viper,

Or you work an extra night shift

Like it’s really no big deal,

Seven patients with infections

Every one with difficele,

By morning you’re exhausted

And finally feeling old,

Your boss comes in, says, “Way to go”

And hands you coins of gold.

  

There would be no nursing shortage

If these silly thoughts were true,

Pay us like celebrities

It’s long way overdue!

Dental Dana 44

If you have to visit your Dentist for the usual nonsense, do be careful that the Dental Hygienist isn't a freakazoid, I'm just saying.

Dental Dana
Freaked me out,
I was relaxed
When she began to shout,
It bothered me
'Cuz she told me not to fidget,
But now she's screaming
To stop biting her digit.

Dental Dana
Smacked my molar,
Like a flailing
Holy roller,
With dental lances
Pointed my way,
This was worse
Than our usual fray.

I got the message
And opened my jaw,
Dana's finger
Was chewed and raw,
I told her
I was really sorry,
She screamed, "I'll sue you
And buy a Ferrari".

Thinking quickly
What could I say?
To placate this demon
And be on my way,
Cheerily, I gushed
"That's a helluva ride",
A defining conveyance
For Beelzebub's bride.

Dental Dana
Gave me the evil eye,
I apologized profusely
(Praying, I wouldn't die),
She chased me out the door
Wielding her mondo pick,
Oh, Dental Dana
She's one freaky chick.

12/9/15

Spinning Jenny

Dizzyness, vertigo, room spinning, eyes twitching..........all of that stuff is miserable. Would a person be willing to endure that for 5 hours, just to convert their Atrial Fib to a normal rhythm (instead of opting for an electrical cardioversion)? Let's find out:

A 1200 milligram overdose
Completely unintentional
Because I'm not one of those,
Miserable creatures
Who want to pull out the plug,
No, my doctor put me up to it
A double dose of the drug.

Pill in the pocket
Is a go-to solution,
Rythmol or Flecainide
When you need absolution,
From that demon condition
Known as A. Fib,
A runaway heart
Beating ad-lib.

The usual dose?
A six hundred popper,
Plus twenty-five of Lopressor
That combo is a stopper,
It always worked before
17 times at least,
Why not today?
I don't know, ask the beast.

Four hours later
The word from Dr. C.
Take a double dose
Was his advice for me,
I was willing to try
After all, he's the boss,
But now I am overdosed
I feel like bearded moss.

OK, I admit
The A. Fib did stop,
But I got so dizzy
My brain took a flop,
And this happened at work
Late afternoon,
A worthless worker on the job
In the corner, in a swoon.

A cautionary tale
If there ever was one,
A colossal dose of Rythmol
It sure isn't fun,
But I'll double down
On my brother's flying jib,
An overdose of Rythmol
Is way better than A. Fib.

We're No Different

As Nurses, we're no different than our patients; we too have physical diseases and infirmities. Jackson Hole has a pacemaker, I have an arrhythmia now and then,
Stephan has Diabetes, and Vanessa turns her head Left, and has vertigo. I think that when we share these kind of things with our clients, and describe how we cope, it can help allay anxiety and worry. But in the meantime, we have to watch our coworkers carefully, too.

Vere to Go?

When she stands upright
And turns her head Left,
There's a nerve getting pinched
In the Subclavian cleft,
Sends a signal to her brain
Relax........everything's cool,
Her brain spins counter-clockwise
Like a whirling-dervish fool.

Weak at the knees
She might fall down,
Her GPS isn't working
In topsy-turvy town,
Bystanders gape
And start placing bets,
Will she pass out this time
Or just have the sweats?

Vere to go next?
Her doctors are confused,
Vertigo Vanessa
Is feeling abused,
She visits 4 doctors
Has CATscans and more,
No answers are found yet
It's a bothersome chore.

Spectators applaud
Vanessa remained standing,
Feeling somewhat better
Without a hard landing,
Stop turning your head
Is the general consensus,
Cuz whenever you do that
We get apprehensus.

I'm Sorry

A lot of people are hard of hearing, or half deaf, or hear ringing all the time, which distorts their listening skills. So, it's no wonder there are misunderstandings now and then. When I have a conversation with someone, and the words seem garbled, or I just didn't hear them correctly, I don't ever offer this response; "I'm sorry?". Instead, I usually ask them to repeat what they said. I might just say: "Say, again?"

The thing is, when I am talking to someone, and suddenly they say, "I'm sorry?"............I don't know what in the heck they are apologizing for. I might stop right there and say to them, "What are you sorry about; did you do something wrong"?

Anyway, it's all just a misunderstanding.

She came into the room and said
It's time for your Cath,
I could have sworn she said
Time for my bath,
So I threw off my clothes
And waited in Limbo,
She flounced out of the room saying,
I'm your Nurse, not a bimbo.

I always blame it on
The ringing in my ears,
I did not hear you right
That's all it is, dears,
So, get off your high horse
And give me that bath,
Then I'll be squeaky clean
When it's time for my Cath.

Listening Lunacy

I can't help it, I act a little crazy when I hear certain dialogues or manners of speech, that just don't make sense. Like those scripted things we are urged to say to patients and their families. "Would you like Fries with your Heart Cath, sir? Or that stupidest of concepts called "Active Listening". Anyway, I was at a class a couple weeks ago, and the Instructor ended almost every single teaching sentence with the adjoiner; "Does that make sense?" Holy frickin grammar monster! That lingo makes me want to run out of the room screaming..............ieqiestiaeint. Something unintelible like that anyway. So, once again, I have to address the issue in my own way.

She said it 29 times
Does that make sense?
I think she owes me recompense,
For ending each sentence
With that stupid refrain,
Does that make sense?
Is a toxin to my brain.

She said it 29 times
That doesn't make sense,
If I poison her tea
I have a good defense,
Because her repetitive uttering
That sentence ending query,
Does that make sense?
Not in Londonderry.

They might lock me up
And throw away the key,
It doesn't really matter
Or even bother me,
If I should never hear again
Does that make sense?
I'll be a happy man
Behind a prison fence.

After His Death

This is a new writing about an old event. Grieving can take on some bizarre practices. We nurses have heard wailing, moaning, crying, speaking in tongues, shrieking and all kinds of unusual requests, to take place at the bedside. To me, this was the pinnacle of a real freakout! These survivors were kneeling on the floor and bashing their heads on the linoleum! Also, they were shrieking and wailing. Look folks, this might be Ok at home or at the Funeral Parlor, but there is no frickin way that it is suitable in the Hospital. Yikes!

After he died
The congregation shrieked,
We were forced to close the door
So no one else freaked,
And we had to offer blankets
For those mourners wailing and keening,
And towels for their heads
Bashing them on the floor
Some sort of sacrificial beaning. 

This went on for three hours
But, folks this is the ICU,
There are other still alive patients in the E.D.
Who are dying for a room with a view,
So wIth tact, finesse and mercy
We had to carefully coax the grieving,
To get the heck out of our Unit
‘Twas high time they were leaving.

Even in our wide mouth American melting pot
Some grieving practices are weirder than snot,
And perhaps, would be better practiced at home
If you want to bang your head, flinging spittle and foam.

Death of the Deadly

I haven't touched on the subject of death for a while, because I am not working in that arena any longer. Sure, people keep dying, but not in my Unit. However, the memories never go away. Here, I am contemplating a role I felt I played in the past; The one who handed off a soul to the Grim Reaper, for the journey down below.

We see disparity
And we witness pain,
I've treated a broken heart
And hemorrhaged brain,
I have administered to evil
Murderers, and more,
And still applied compassion
Because that is our chore,
Not to single out anyone
In the course of our care,
Every patient is an equal
So, let's not go there............

Until the Rigor Mortis
Is about to set in,
When the Grim Reaper
Stands, to reckon the sin,
Perpetrated, by Billy-Bob
In his moments of violence,
When nobody listened
Or penetrated the silence,
Until now, the great chasm
That he must cross, on his journey,
There is no chance in Hell
That he will beat this attorney.

As the appointed Nurse
I do stand by,
Grim Reaper awaits
For permission to fly,
Taking his charge
For the Karmic obligation,
"Billy Bob, I cast you out
For a Hellish vacation!"

9/15

Meandering Mind

Look, I'm not the go-to guy for solace and hugs; we all have our area's of expertise, and that is clearly my area of avoidance. You want technical know-how, and obscure scientific facts, that's what I have to offer.

I write more, when I'm stressed
Definitely not when I'm caressed,
And forget all the hugs
I'm not that kind of guy,
Find Linda or Lynn
If someone's about to cry.

Maybe names that begin with L
Can handle the tears that come pell-mell,
Surging from the eyes
A cataclysmal drenching,
Gnashing of teeth and
Primordial fist clenching.

That's when I drift away
It just isn't my thing,
I'd rather just shock you
200 Joules, bada-bing,
Plus a sensible dose
Of the milk of forgetful,
Whatever was the bother
You won't be regretful.

So reader, you see
I meander about,
When work stresses bother
I will not fight or shout,
But rather make words
Build a story or fable,
And with the right glass of wine
I am most certainly able.

9/12/15

Tsk, Tsk

When a force of nature
Meets a natural force,
There's no way to predict
The path or the course,
One can guess at the outcome
And calculate risks,
But when injury happens
Expect a lot of tsk, tsks.

Managers offer
Platitudes of blame,
"Well, you shoulda had more help
Now you're hurt, what a shame,
But really, you're the one
The cause of your disability",
Just talking to Momma?
An endeavor of futility.

Thus, we soldier on
Every day we are tested,
If a patient assaults me
Can I have him arrested?,
Not if he's confused
The result of anesthesia,
I got lucky once again
No acquired paraplegia.

9/12/15

No Heavy Lifting

No lifting more than ten pounds, no squatting, stair climbing and definitely, no ladders. Sounds sensible, doesn't it? Look, it is well known that I don't want to do discharge phone calls. Instead, here's how the day panned out.

A. Prep 3 patients for procedures. (1 to 1.5 hours each)
B. Receive 2 transfers, and prepare them for procedures. (1 to 1.5 hours each)
C. Handle 2 Recoveries (2-3 hours each)
D. Find time for Lunch + 2 breaks
E. Participate in a Mini Code Blue.
D. Document at least an hour on the day.
F. Start 2 IV's (patient reporting, "you better be good"...), do 3 EKG's, Assess Transfer IV sites, wounds, skin, communicate with families, provide an hour of in-depth Cardiac teaching during the shift. Answer 20 phone calls, Page 5 Doctors, and cover other Nurses for their breaks.

Actually, I didn't do the break-relief very well, as I was too flippin' busy. That meant I forgot to give Betty Lou an aspirin for a headache, and forgot to call Mr. Fonebone's daughter to come pick him up. When those Nurses returned from break, I just had to give my lame excuse of failure.

The Elephant in the Corner?; We are perpetually understaffed.
(Two lucky staff members were allowed the day off)..........however, our work load did not suggest that to be a sensible choice.

It is only the true depth of experience and moral fortitude that our team contains, that keeps our patient's safe and alive.

Shipping Out

Some say that injuries happen when we are fatigued, or just burned out; ther e is some truth in that, but in general (majority) it just isn't so. Our patient's are just too flippin' large and combative. That's it................simple.

They will wonder why I burned
When I never complained,
It's a result of my philosophy
As a High Duke from Spain,
I work for my subjects
I won't quit, if they suffer,
Hence, I never do argue
As a servant, I am tougher;

Than the ones that I work with
Because my philosphy rules,
I'm a servant to my constituents
Their demands, are my tools,
To apply my special talents
And satisfy their needs.
Get them home safely
And nobody bleeds.

The house is on fire?
I run into the middle,
The Demon is smoking
And playing his fiddle,
But I know the melody
Though I didn't write the song,
The demon is a wimp
Soon to be running along.

Frankly, I'm just a member
Of one awesome team,
We understand the wind
And the flow of the stream,
We might not be the Captains
But only in name,
Without us, this ship
Would have no claim to fame.

9/2/15

Pray-ers

I respect prayer
But I want it to be silent,
You may not like my prayer
And you become violent...............

Look, I was brought up in a Catholic family and my Auntie was a real Nun (and 2 of her cousins, also). And when it was time to perform real, focused and God directed prayers, they was done silently. So, that's why I'm so secretive.

I moved passed religion
I said every prayer,
I know about Gods
But I don't really care,
Because I did arrive here
In the usual way,
My parents got together
Back in their day.

I practiced their training
As much as I could,
Tried to make the best decisions
Just like they said I should,
And whether some god
Had a hand in it, who knows?
The world will keep turning
Because that's the way it goes.

A lot of "God, bless you's"
Are heard where I work,
We were once a Nun hospital
So, perhaps that's a perk,
But I never say it
I don't want to offend,
I might choose the wrong God
And the blessings might end.

Or maybe the client
Thinks the way that I do,
And along comes Brother Jo
Saying, Bless, Betty Boo,
Perhaps Betty is offended
Or embarrassed, to boot,
She has an allergic reaction
To this religious recruit.

I think we need to be careful
Regarding this issue,
Stop throwing prayers
When they reach for a tissue,
Pause for a moment
And ask for permission,
Perhaps a better idea?
Let's call a magician.

9/2/15

One Punch

For the most part, we don't have much trouble with out-of-control patients. It's not like we call a "Code Gray" for help, when a patient who had General Anesthesia has an adverse reaction, and struggles as he wakes up. However, one can not minimize the inherent danger to the Nurse or Doctor at the bedside. If the patient is a colossus that is six foot nine tall and weighs 410 pounds, believe me, this guy could kill with one punch. Comforting, isn't it?

Mo, didn't wake up well
After anesthesia,
I hope he didn't give me
Paraplegia,
Because my back hurts
Below my Lumbar,
Bothersome discomfort
Down my legs too far.

He was flailing and thrashing
Weighing two twenty two,
Both groins were bleeding
And what must I do,
To protect him for safety
After all, that's my job,
Let the dude bleed out?
Not this Billy-Bob.

The nurse is the one
Who walks away lamed,
Was I too aggressive?
If so, I'll be blamed,
But we had to protect him
With each wild gyration,
I could be sued
For exsanguination.

Pain down my legs
Paresthesia to my shins,
Let me explain
Numbness, needles and pins,
An unexplained coolness
And episodes of weakness,
I ain't horsing around...........
I'm not ready for the Preakness.

I'm off tomorrow
But, I'm calling this in,
Fill out the paperwork
For the Workmans Comp sin,
An Employee Health visit
And a scowling Manager,
They'll be talking and twittering
Like bright feathered Tanagers.

It was bound to happen
With the patient's we see,
Last week was a record
Four hundred and three
Pounds that is, at 6 foot nine,
He fought us, too
Now, isn't that fine?

Two good Nurses
Could have died,
One punch from that one
I would have flied,
Across the room
And out the door,
And the boss might comment -
Your hours don't score

Well, how about that?
Concerned, not a chance,
We're not doing enough
Billing hours, rule the dance,
And the party may be over
For this dedicated Nurse,
He worked as hard as the best
And for that, he was cursed.

9/1/15

Nurse 32

After a crazy, stressful and whacky week, filled with too many Recoveries and 3 nights of overtime, I just have to unwind and write my own craziness.

Nurse 32

I've been a nurse for 32 years
Working, in-hospital for thirty-seven,
Some say to me, "You must love it"
Well I do, but it's not really Heaven,
I enjoy the goodness that I can do
To the people, who are really in need,
But for all those flippin' malingerers
The ones from the toxic seed?

They are the few, that test us all
The whacky, the crazy, the violent,
We must wear our happy face
Duck the fists and keeping silent,
Because now we must pay attention
To the almighty Satisfaction scores,
The 3-day departure, little phone calls
Where they scream and declare
You're all whores,
Not realizing that Betty-Boo nurse
Had no connection to Dr. Z's mistake,
While Betty-Boo's call will be audited
And her Manager, will give her a shake.

Oh, I can hardly wait to go
On the Hot Diggity dawg retreat,
I'm hoping and praying they bother
To have something good to eat,
Because I have noticed the goodies
When the visiting Dignitaries call,
They get the best catered food
That's what I'm say, that's all.

8/28/15

Happy Whack Job

I think I had 7 patients today. It only took one to make me go postal........too bad three of them were either confrontational, argumentative and angry, and the family chipped in. Here's the winner:

Happy Whack Job

A 12 hour routine
Day in and day out,
What could be so different
To make me scream or shout?,
The particular kind of patient
Confrontational and demanding,
Where reason and logic
Have no place of understanding.

Consider this Billy Bob
3 days in our palace,
Drove himself to the hospital
With nine K dollars in his valise,
Don’t ask me why
I’d never believe it,
But in the midst of his Recovery,
He says he has to go retrieve it.

I’m telling him, “No
I will just call the Nurse,
Up on floor three
And he begins to curse,
Never telling me why
He said, “Only I can do it”
He’s getting whacky and crazy
So I said, “just screw it”;
Go ahead, go upstairs
Let me show you the elevator,
He marches off
Like one hot potater,
With his spouse at his side
And a bounce in his step,
He returned pretty soon
With his own nursing rep,
She took me aside
And told me about the money,
About 9 thousand dollars
That’s why he's acting so funny,
He wouldn’t put it in the safe
No, we had to lock it in the Med-room,
And now he’s holding his black valise
At his side in his bedroom,
Along with his Mac computer
And his jaunty baseball cap,
This 73 year old whack job
Is one happy chap.


8/26/15

In Their Place

Too busy, along with being understaffed. Now, in the past, where I came from.......If I had an ICU patient, that went out for a surgical procedure, this patient would come back to me after Recovery, and then, if he were to be downgraded, I would send him off to Telemetry, or such. Today, I received two people (from MICU and CSICU), who had a new Pacemaker insert, for their "one hour Anesthesia recovery". However, now they were going to be downgraded to Telemetry, and thus, I was not sending them back to their ICU. Well, that sucks, 'cuz, one of them ended up staying 5 hours in my Unit, waiting for the next bed and nurse. The other guy, I had to remove the Temporary Pacer, the Swan Ganz and the Arterial line, all of which had been in place for 3 days. These are not the typical duties of your General Anesthesia Recovery nurse, who at this time, has 3 patients, (one of them being the other ICU patient). My buddy was picking up a new Ablation case (general anesthesia); a guy that was leaping all over the bed, with 5 Femoral sheaths in place.........so my pal was out of the mix. Eventually, we each had 3 Recoveries a piece. Later, after lunch, I take the guy that is 410 Lbs, 6'9" tall, and had an A. Fib ablation. He has 4 Femoral sheaths in, and is flinging around, because his back / hip pain is off the charts!
Holy Bleeding Puncture, Batman! Pass me the Kerlix!

Hott Diggity, Dawg.

After nights like this
I need to empty my mind,
It was nothing like a kiss
No, 'twas a kick in the behind.

Two patients from ICU
Gone for Pacemaker
But not returning to that space,
Technically, I'm doing only
Anesthesia Recovery
But now some ICU duties, in their place,
Remove the Swan Ganz
The temporary Pacer, and the Art-line,
Do all of that stuff for CSICU
Hot damn they're happy, things are just fine,
Because TAVR Joe-Bob
Is finally off of their floor,
They have practically given his room away
The moment he departed the door.

"Me, I'm waiting so patiently
Lying here on the floor,
Just doing my jigsaw puzzle
Before it rains anymore*#.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


*#Rolling Stones
"Jigsaw Puzzle"
Album: Beggars Banquet - 1968

Gut Feeling

Sorry, but I'm sorta stuck on this topic.

Gut Feeling

Gurgle Gut
Is such a bother,
I told my Mother
And my Father,
He whispered something
About stinky gas,
Mother said
Don't let it pass,
In the company
Of Nuns and Priests,
Unless they're sipping
Hops and yeasts.

Gurgle gut?
I received a call,
Number one daughter
Sometime last Fall,
Regaled me with
Her story, true,
Thank god it wasn't
Tic delarue,
But alas, 'twas something
Just as awful,
From the sugar syrup
On her waffle,
Tainted water
In the city Tangier,
A water born illness
No fun, poor dear.

I offered her solace
For her pain,
We discussed the tragic
Intestinal drain,
That can occur
When least desired,
Plus,  tips and tricks
When the gas has fired.

Not easy dealing
With this issue,
We should have invested
In toilet tissue,
Northern, Charmin
Or Kirklands best,
One million wipes
We've put to test.

Good healing salves
Are hard to find,
Herbal Savvy
The Comfrey kind,
Burts Bees foot creme
Protects and soothes,
Especialy in the
Hidden grooves.

What to do?
We continue to live,
Hoping that
Our friends forgive,
An occasional blast
Of  toxic gas,
Bursting from
Our sorry ass.

Gurgle gut
Is a major bummer,
It can put a crimp
On a fun-filled summer,
Carry extra undies
And soothing wipes,
If you accidently
Blow your pipes.

Advertisers
Have yet to address,
Specifically
The Gurgle gut mess,
They hide the details
In mumbo jumbo,
Regarding the dangers
Of Jalapeno gumbo.

A gurgling industry
Is just developing,
Soon to be
Completely enveloping,
An I-P-O
With investor options,
Rescue centers
For intestine adoptions.

Burnt sienna
Wristbands and hats,
Promotional bling
Baseballs and bats,
To gain support
And public attention,
To promote awareness
Regarding poo retention.

We gurgle guts
Are never full of shit,
That's the least
And most of it,
No, commonly
We go each day,
Three or four times
In a moderate way.

Three times a day
Is, way better,
Than once in 3 days
By the letter,
Constipation
I'd rather not have,
Although diarrhea
Requires more salve.

All in all
It's a disturbing condition,
And I've spent too much time
On this rendition,
But I just had to
Get it out,
Gurgle Gut
Deserves a shout.

8/21/15

Arrhythmia.............again

After a 20 month rest, a return for another Cardioversion (#15); is that a record? Who knows........but we have a handle on that.

Back on Your Feet

It's two thousand fifteen
And Jake never quits,
He swears that A. Fib
Is way better than Zits,
"I get much better meds
When treatment is required,
I won't feel a damn thing
That's what I call, inspired".

A twenty month sojourn
Since his last visit here,
Not a whiff of arrhythmia
Till that one, ice-cold beer,
Sent his heart stuttering
On that hot stinkin' day,
And in the realm of A. Fib
To play, you must pay.

For rejuvenation
And dynamic publicity,
Spend an hour with us
We'll turn you on to electricity,
Delivered with gusto
With the milk of amnesia,
You'll be dreaming of angels
In French Polynesia.

For sure, your arrhythmia
Is a bother, at best,
A few trips to the E-R
For an EKG test,
Until finally you tasted
The fruits from our vines,
Electricity and Propofol
Are the best of all wines.

An Ablation or two
You can try, what the hay,
Sometimes it works
Just one time, one day,
But you are the winner
At cardioversion, fifteen,
We love you, dear Jake
If  you know what I mean.

You're a part of our family
We will never give up,
When you're feeling irregular
Please come, fill your cup,
On our high-octane juice
You'll feel better, right quick,
Give your A.Fib a taste
Of our pit-viper stick.

Today you presented
With a different thing,
Atrial Tachycardia
Fit for a King,
Easier to manage
With a miniscule zap,
Just 20 little joules
Like a mosquito tap.

But still, you did ask for
A shot of amnesia,
We give it freely
Whatever will please ya,
Because you are like family
We want you back on your feet,
For a good round of golf
Down at St. Pete's.

8/19/15

Gurgling Gut

Irritable Bowel Syndrome, affects millions of people in the world. There are treatments and therapies, and causes and theories.............and bloating, cramping, Borborigmi and rumbling, and a great deal of unpredictable inconvenience for those suffering this crappy condition.

Here is Billy Bob's story:

BB's Thing

With gas and gurgle
In his gut,
Toxic fumes
Escaped his butt,
Don't stand behind him
Momma said,
That's BB's thing
He'll kill you dead.

Billy Bob will
Tell you why,
Moroccan muesli
And Danish rye,
Didn't cause it
No, dear daughter,
The problem was
I drank the water.

A grave mistake
But I was parched,
That mountain climb
We over marched,
And laughed about it
At the Inn,
I drank the water
That's my sin.

Now, seven years later
His gut rebels,
Unpredictable
Good lord, Hells bells,
When least expected
Like a cry of the loon,
That Moroccan beast
Nearly makes him swoon.

Praying for Rain

This post is a follow-up to the one below. More junk going on................

Just one week later
Complications were worse,
A string of bad luck
In search of a curse,
An Aortic dissection
From the arch to the Iliac,
Thank goodness Mr. patient
Was not a hemophiliac.

Experts were consulted
Group worry was evidenced,
Just watching and waiting
Good advice, was dispensed,
Keep the blood pressure down
Diminish Aortic stress,
Then evaluate the cause
Who to blame for this mess.

The Doctor who did it?
Oh ya, he just left town,
At the end of the procedure
After he took off his gown,
Though he stopped by the room
To mumble his regrets,
Stating, an on-call physician
Will cover his bets.

I worried and fussed
Six hours of inspection,
Five sheaths to remove
During crisis detection,
Monitor vital signs
Assess pulses and pain,
Waiting for decisions
Like praying for rain.

To the Cardiac Unit
At seven pm,
I could finally relax
Now, it's up to them,
The Critical Intensivists
Will manage him there;
My tour of duty
Was a journey of care.

8/4/15

Exceptions

It is well known that Catheter based procedures place the patient at a risk for bleeding, probably in the range of 3-7%. So of course, we the practitioners, do our darndest to minimize this. However, there are just too many variables that we can't control. And despite 37 years in health-care, I still get nervous and worried when patient's are bleeding.

Exceptions

I haven't written
In the absence of stress,
Then along came today
And Lordy, what a mess,
A complicated ablation
Her A-C-T too high,
Oozing and bleeding
I worry and sigh.

When the Doctors inform
Their delivery is brisk,
A 3 hour procedure
With a low percentage risk,
Go home the same day?
"No problem", he replied,
Leaving out the part
"Except, if you died".


7/21/15

Dental Dana 42

When Dental Dana
Has a day off,
I'll cancel an appointment
Complaining of a cough,
Or maybe she's having
Her Mercedes fixed,
That's another appointment
I have nixed.

My Dentist isn't thrilled
With my bait and switch,
Probly mumbling something like
That son of a bitch,
While grimacing with every
Unplanned rearrangement,
The whole darned office
Is planning my estrangement.

But I'm a paying customer
With a 3 month cleaning,
Though I suspect
They are pondering weaning,
Me out of the roster
And onto the street,
(No farewell party)
The contract is complete.

6/29/15

Bovine Binary

Administering to cows with heart disease
All long as they utter thank you and please.

6/8/15

Fistula

I haven't written a gross-out poem in a while, but I still have a flair for  it.

Poo & Pee
Got together inside,
Found themselves a fistula
What a crazy ride,
Poo said to Pee
"Geez, you're kind of runny",
Pee replied, "Dude,
You smell awful funny".

Together, they knew
They could cause a lot of trouble,
Let's get on with it
And do it on the double,
Poo and Pee figured
They only had a little time,  
Before someone found out
And put an end to their crime.

Poo and Pee
They made a pact,
God bless, our chance encounter
Now it's time to act,
Make a total mess of things
Inside our sorry host,
"And, after it's all over
Let's head to the coast".

6/8/15

Dental Dana 41

Deliciously dangerous............

Dental Dana
Fixed me up,
She's a little
Buttercup,
Flossed my tongue
She sliced it too,
Now it really
Hurts to chew.

Dental Dana
She's a Holy Roller,
She spoke in tongues
When she cracked my molar,
I felt the vibration
Into my brain,
I begged for another
Shot of Novocaine.

She said, Ok
And poked me in the thigh,
What the heck?
I don't know why,
Probably because
I'm so much trouble,
She said, "Don't complain
Or I'll make it a double".

As usual
Like every time we meet,
I left the office
In prickly heat,
Hot and bothered
Not feeling any pain,
Because Dental Dana
Is my Novocaine.

6/8/15