What greater example of genius can be found, than a group of nurses brainstorming ideas, to solve an apparently insurmountable situation. And I was there as a member of the "Ring Around The Collar" Brigade!

Ring Around The Collar

She attacked my poor olfactory nerves
When I checked beneath the covers,
She had colonized a host of creatures
Left by thirty lovers,
In the dark, warm, damp environment
These bacteria and yeasts,
Synergized and incubated
Awesome, unknown beasts.

The epidemiologist
Was unsure of what to do,
He ordered standard culture sets
On the exudative goo,
And quite plainly, like the rest of us
He was grossed out to the max,
So he didn’t even notice
When the slime jumped on his slacks.

A fomite under power
This sad fellow was a dupe,
He should have tossed his clothes right then
Inside the linen hoop,
Instead he took that colony
On rounds with him that day,
Contaminating everything
In an epidemic way.

Within the fortress of the unit
The nurses launched their fight,
They wrote a mighty care plan
It was an awe inspiring sight,
The list of interventions
Would win a Nobel prize,
As sure as fresh made cow chips
Will attract three dozen flies.

But none the less, they knew the tricks
To eradicate this beast,
They called the local chaplaincy
To get a Catholic priest,
We need an exorcism
Before we gather by that bed,
Please come and do your demon dance
Or I’m sure we’ll all be dead.

The Catholic guy, said, “My, oh my”
Of course I’ll help those nurses,
I’ll get a chance to practice
All my anti-demon curses,
Because it isn’t very often
Within the confines of my role,
That I have the opportunity
To really save a soul.

With the exorcism finished
Their job took on some meaning,
It was just another nasty site
Of excretory cleaning,
Engarbed in isolation robes
They were covered head to toe,
And if you turned the lights down
You would see those nurses glow.

Together they approached
Their formation, it was tight,
They stripped back all the bedclothes
And assaulted her with light,
They attacked with four point suction
To vacuum up the slime,
While taking notes in narrative
About the scenery of the crime.

In the background several nurses
Were at work in preparation,
To concoct some deadly mixture
For slime eradication,
And they finally reached consensus
About exactly what to do,
They would mix a triple portion
Of the hospital coffee brew.

It was well known information
That the stuff was nearly toxic,
It could revitalize a resident
Who by appearance seemed anoxic,
And the triple dose delivery
Would cause culture overdrive,
This seeping, weeping monster
Would no longer be alive.

The smell was overpowering
When they sprayed the caffeine flux,
It didn’t touch the linen
Because they’d padded her with Chux,
And when the treatment was successful
You could hear those nurses holler,
“I wonder if this stuff will work
For ring around the collar?”

FIbril_late; 6/94