"Active Listening", I'm sure you've heard about that much-hyped tool of communication. It goes something like this. Bob: I hate my dog. Mary: I hear you say, you hate your dog. At this point Bob wonders, what is the matter with this woman; does she need her head examined?
Well anyway, I probably simplified this complex mechanism of truth seeking, but it's right up there on my list of the Top 10 worst ways to carry on a real conversation. As soon as I hear a person speaking like that, I automatically tune them out.

As a matter of note, I also clump this into the list of useless Nursing tricks, along with Care Plans with their "special" nursing language. Doctor Dude writes, SOB, or short of breath. Nurse Clump has to write, "Impaired Gas Exchange". Take it from me, if you stand downwind of Nurse Clump, you will clearly discover there is no impairment in her gas exchange, and quite frankly you will be S.O.B. too. I suspect most of these Useless Nursing Tricks are devised by underpaid Nurse Researchers. More on this another day, ok?

Back to the main topic of Active Listening:

The Wilderness of Speech

Active listening, is one of those things
That is destroying this life, as we know it,
Repeating the works that the other one said
Prompts me to tell them to "stow it",
It doesn't feel right to me, I will admit
It isn't a part of my vernacular,
And I have a suspicion that the active adepts
Undoubtedly feel quite oracular.

It's touted quite often, by communication experts
As a fabulous, simplified tool,
But who has the guts, to agree with me here
Just who are they trying to fool?
It sounds too damned phony, I'm not put at ease
By the smooth talking, active practitioner,
I'm a small voice of protest
In the wilderness of speech,
Wondering who is the language commissioner?

Fibril_late; 10/95

Here is an oddball rhyme that I didn't write. A colleague comments about their aged, female poodle and her stinky habits. Actually, if you will read a couple of days back, this certainly falls into line with the topic of Nursing Research.

"Case Study: Canine Sexual Deprivation Resulting in a Perverse Desire to Consume Bananas and the Effects on Owners of Said Dog":

You know the virgin sturgeon
The Virgin Mary too,
Now may I introduce to you
The virgin Suki-poo?

Some have expensive toys
Or discount fantasy,
But Suki states (naively)
"Bananas are for me".

Bananas have a friendly
Compliant sort of way,
They're always firm and ready
For Suk's indulgent day.

With teeth now old, but eager
She masticates the pulp,
It forms a little bolus
She swallows in a gulp.

But gone is not forgotten
The fruit did not depart,
At six o'clock that evening
It comes back as a fart.

This precious Virgin doggie
Groomed, trimmed, and spayed, so fair,
Enjoys her sweet revenge
As she permeates the air.

And so, ye doggie owners
Take warning from this tale,
Leave those ovaries intact
And get yourself a male.

K.B., RN
10/95

It's totally gross! Don't read it if you just had a meal. Wait, hold on; if you're a nurse, of course you can stomach it, because you've seen something just like it - maybe only 5 minutes ago. No doubt you were momentarily taken by surprise, until you realized it was only..................

Activated Goo Blobs

Genital yeast farm
As a gross-out, it’s top notch,
Crawling in the linen
Growing in the crotch.

Activated goo blobs
Multiplying every hour,
When your shift is over
Be sure to take a shower.

Proceed at your own risk
When you travel in the area,
Wear protective clothing
It’s a lot worse than malaria.

Dark forces are at work
And the humidity is prime,
In our antibiotic wasteland
You can grow some killer slime.

Resistant cream cheese exudate
Its quality can’t be beat,
With genetic engineering
It might be good enough to eat.

Fibril_late; 9/95

Another episode of the cost-cutting days of the gay-nineties.
However, it's still pertinent today. Just keep your eye on the topics of research and no matter what, you will see a plethora of dubious ideas, wasting countless hours and dollars. One of my favorites was the study regarding the variation in counting a radial pulse rate. Did you begin at "0" or "1" with your counting? Let's see now, did you end up with 100 or 105 and what did the next nurse do 8 hours from now? Now me for example, I always started at "1"; who knows, maybe countless lives were lost because of my carelessness?!?

Nursing Intensity

The intensity of some nurses
To be a part of research history,
For complexity, severity
And the psycho-social mystery,
Emblazoned with multiple credentials
Exalted with power, with purity,
Producing results, without question
That threatens their own job security.

The unacceptable growth-rate of health-care
Has little to do folks, with nursing,
It's more about top end mismanagement
And the deep pocket ways of reimbursing,
The financial investments of technology
Far outspend the paltry cost of our salaries,
But as the single greatest body of workers
We're the targets for their shooting galleries.

Yes, I am a skeptical nurse
And I question the work of our scholars,
Is it money well spent in the long run
A well invested use of our dollars?
How many nurses will be out of a job
At the mercy of staffing acuity,
While top management back slapping big boys
Will applaud their cost cutting ingenuity.

Fibril_late; 9/95

Here's a jolly reminder why smoking is such an appealing habit.

Things To Look Forward To

Things to look forward to
After years of smoking,
Sputum in the morning
And midnight choking,
Nicotine stains
On your teeth and fingers,
Wherever you've been
A scent of smoke lingers,
Ashes in the toilet bowl
Burn marks on the tables,
Are guaranteed signs
Of the nicotine fables.

Premature aging
Self-inflicted disease,
You can't climb the stairs
Because you rattle and wheeze,
Bronchitis and asthma
And C.O.P.D.,
Retire on oxygen
At age sixty-three.

Set fire to your lungs
Day in and day out,
Make plans for pneumonia
Every year a new bout,
Smoke when you're pregnant
Have a low birth weight kid,
When he's slower than the others
Deny that you did.

You'll taste like an ashtray
Each time that you pucker,
So you'll marry a guy
Who is a nicotine sucker,
Your non-smoking friends
Will leave subtle hints,
To bring along perfume
And a mouth washing rinse.

Pay higher insurance
More sick days each year,
Cancer and heart disease
Surprise!, they appear,
Like silent assassins
They attack without warning,
Remember it started
With a cough in the morning.

Things to look forward to
On the nicotine cruise,
You have nothing to gain
And too much to lose.

Fibril_late; 9/95

Whew, time for just a couple more ode's (or is that odors) to the tales of the toilet seat.

This Chamberpot

There is something about this chamberpot
The seat is neither cold nor hot,
It's comfortable and built for speed
With accessories for personal need.

I'm kind of jealous, I admit
This is a really fancy place to shit,
I'll leave a tip for my gratuity
And praise American ingenuity.

State of the Art

This toilet top is state of the art
It can accommodate the largest fart,
With its custom, elevated seat
And a bowl designed to take the heat,
The paper dispenser on my right
Is clearly art-deco and out of sight,
Across the room, that fancy urinal
Was written up in the Wall Street Journal,
I'm proud to work for such an employer
Who is obviously a bathroom enjoyer!

Fibril_late; 7/95

You've probably seen those toilet seats that actually have two seats, right? Who came up with that idea? It always seemed kind of silly to me. Kind of like those booster seats at IHOP for the toddlers. I don't think you'll find those two-story lifters anywhere else, but in good old USA. So, two seats deserve two poems.

The Two Seated Concept

I've done my research
About this chair,
While sitting upon it
I noticed the air,
Was quite a bit fresher
At that elevation,
The two seated concept
Is some revelation.

I don't get the chance
To visit here much,
But I'll never forget
This toilet seat touch.

The Jacked Up Seat

I’ve wondered long
And pondered deep,
I’ve lost a lot
Of gash darned sleep,
Trying to solve
The mystery,
Of the jacked up seat
Where I must pee.

I’ve measured it
And found its weight,
The manufacturer
Place and date,
But it isn’t clearly
Understood,
Why a raised up toilet seat
Is good.

Fibril_late; 7/95