Exceptions

It is well known that Catheter based procedures place the patient at a risk for bleeding, probably in the range of 3-7%. So of course, we the practitioners, do our darndest to minimize this. However, there are just too many variables that we can't control. And despite 37 years in health-care, I still get nervous and worried when patient's are bleeding.

Exceptions

I haven't written
In the absence of stress,
Then along came today
And Lordy, what a mess,
A complicated ablation
Her A-C-T too high,
Oozing and bleeding
I worry and sigh.

When the Doctors inform
Their delivery is brisk,
A 3 hour procedure
With a low percentage risk,
Go home the same day?
"No problem", he replied,
Leaving out the part
"Except, if you died".


7/21/15

Dental Dana 42

When Dental Dana
Has a day off,
I'll cancel an appointment
Complaining of a cough,
Or maybe she's having
Her Mercedes fixed,
That's another appointment
I have nixed.

My Dentist isn't thrilled
With my bait and switch,
Probly mumbling something like
That son of a bitch,
While grimacing with every
Unplanned rearrangement,
The whole darned office
Is planning my estrangement.

But I'm a paying customer
With a 3 month cleaning,
Though I suspect
They are pondering weaning,
Me out of the roster
And onto the street,
(No farewell party)
The contract is complete.

6/29/15

Bovine Binary

Administering to cows with heart disease
All long as they utter thank you and please.

6/8/15

Fistula

I haven't written a gross-out poem in a while, but I still have a flair for  it.

Poo & Pee
Got together inside,
Found themselves a fistula
What a crazy ride,
Poo said to Pee
"Geez, you're kind of runny",
Pee replied, "Dude,
You smell awful funny".

Together, they knew
They could cause a lot of trouble,
Let's get on with it
And do it on the double,
Poo and Pee figured
They only had a little time,  
Before someone found out
And put an end to their crime.

Poo and Pee
They made a pact,
God bless, our chance encounter
Now it's time to act,
Make a total mess of things
Inside our sorry host,
"And, after it's all over
Let's head to the coast".

6/8/15

Dental Dana 41

Deliciously dangerous............

Dental Dana
Fixed me up,
She's a little
Buttercup,
Flossed my tongue
She sliced it too,
Now it really
Hurts to chew.

Dental Dana
She's a Holy Roller,
She spoke in tongues
When she cracked my molar,
I felt the vibration
Into my brain,
I begged for another
Shot of Novocaine.

She said, Ok
And poked me in the thigh,
What the heck?
I don't know why,
Probably because
I'm so much trouble,
She said, "Don't complain
Or I'll make it a double".

As usual
Like every time we meet,
I left the office
In prickly heat,
Hot and bothered
Not feeling any pain,
Because Dental Dana
Is my Novocaine.

6/8/15

Dental Dana 40

Dental Dana
That's her, over there,
She looks real good
Just sitting in a chair,
But when she turned sideways
The view was unbelievable,
I inhaled the mondo pick
And now it's unretrievable.

Coughing and sputtering
She hurried to my side,
Because it never looks good
If your patient has died,
But I wasn't dead yet
So she kindly observed,
When I tried to grab her
She skillfully swerved.

A stylish pirouette
Dental Dana a dancer?
I should have guessed it
This obvious answer,
Why, with all of my moves
I never seem to get close,
And with her blow-dart sedative
I always earn a double dose.

5/30/15

Retirement

A long career in Nursing eventually leads to dinner-table talk, of old stories. We all have our favorites; some people telling tales, that suggest they were the "smartest" nurse at the time, perhaps showing a Medical Resident how to do something the right way. My stories usually describe some kind of gross or unusual circumstance, that I found to be sickly humorous.

Four old nurses
Sitting around a table,
Each of them states
Boy, I have a fable,
That you ought to hear
It's the craziest story,
Each nurse has
Their tale of glory.

How about the time
The 900 pound client,
Swore on a bible
"I'm sodium compliant",
I only eat pretzels
That my Momma makes,
It hurt her feelings
When I said no, to the cakes.

Oh, let me tell you
About the ascites fountain,
That fellow had a belly
Bigger than a mountain,
When his umbilical hernia
Popped open under pressure,
It sprayed me with the fluid
Oh, nothing is fresher.

Well, that made some giggles
But did you hear about Rob?
Billy-Bob Borko
Was one heck of a slob,
He sat on the commode
And when he stood up,
That commode bucket
Was one stuck cup,
On Billy-Bob's backside
And then it crashed to the floor,
The nasty, stinky liquid
Splashed all the way to the door,
Practically covering Rob
And he exclaimed, "Shit,
Someone, call Hazmat
See  you later, I QUIT".

Another favorite story
Was the disappearing man,
I met his nurse in the hallway
She said, "I'm looking for Stan",
He's been kind of confused
We can't find him anywhere,
He had a Posey vest on
But now he's not there.

I followed her to the room
The mattress was on the floor,
Stan, wasn't there
Did he run out the door?
No one has seen him
Should we call the Head Nurse?
Let's wait a little longer
Because who needs that curse?

Then we heard some muffled sounds
And that mattress did shake,
"Is this room haunted
Good lord, is that a snake",
Slithering beneath
The bedclothes on the floor,
With one look below -
There was Stan, looking sore.

He'd been thrashing and pulling
Then he mustered a lunge,
Over the rail he went
A swan-dive, a plunge,
Face down on the floor
With the mattress attached,
He appeared to be gone
But survived, yea, unscratched

We reassembled the package
And got him back in bed,
Assessed for broken bones
And bumps on his head,
He had no complaints
He just wanted to sleep,
"Sweet dreams, dear old Stan
Please don't make a peep".

And that's how the talk goes
With old nurses at the table,
Later on the, Maître de'
Will lead us back to the stable.

5/29/15

Dental Dana 39

Dental Dana 39 

Dental Dana
She's a hottie,
We went out to lunch
And shared a chapati,
I told her she was hot
Right to her face,
And then she sprayed me
With her mace.

She threatened me
Right in that booth,
Regarding a missing
Canine tooth,
And the crown to replace it
Sure, it could get lost,
And regardless,
I'd have to cover the cost.

Dental Dana
She's a wily one,
And that's what makes her
So much fun.

 5/29/15

Smartphones, Ignorant Parents

This is not really about Nursing or Medicine, but instead a reminder regarding our lack of situational awareness (a result of our fascination with streamed entertainment).

I went to a coffee house this morning, and noticed 3 persons at a table. What looked to be a Mom and Dad and their son, of an estimate age of four. The parents each had a smartphone, with the whole of their attention on the device, effectually unaware of anything going on around them. The young fellow looked my way, as I walked past the table. The parents had zero attention for their son; a trajedy in of itself, and a lure to any wacko in the audience. How easy it would be to steal a purse, or even their child.

Telephone Charades

With mom and dad
On their telephone,
I'm just sitting here
All alone,
Watching strangers
At the coffee shop,
I'm completely ignored
By mom and pop.

Lots of others
In this place,
Hold a smartphone
Up to their face,
They are unaware
Of what is near,
I could be kidnapped
Or disappear.

Stranger man
He walks by,
We look at each other
Eye to eye,
He seems to notice
My mom and dad,
Faces tuned
To phone and pad.

He looks nice
And asks my name,
Just like Charades
I know that game,
We played it once
At Grandma's house,
He whispers to me
"Be quiet as a mouse".

We'll go outside
You won't be bad,
'Cause it's Ok
With mom and dad,
They are too busy
And you're alone,
They're more interested
In their telephone.

You can come back later
When we're done,
You'll tell them how
They missed our fun,
But for now
They just don't care,
The phone is more important
Than having you there.

They'll be excited
Yesiree,
Wondering what
You did with me,
But that's our secret
So, let's not tell,
Or mom and daddy
Will go to Hell.

You can show them
Your brand new toy,
I gave it to you
You're such a good boy,
Because that's what
Mom and daddy say,
Along with please and thank you
And have a nice day.
_ _ _ _ __ __

Sure, it's creepy; but so real is the danger we are inviting into our lives when we subjugate our awareness to outside distractions. For example: Driving the car using the cellphone; walking across a busy intersection looking at the cellphone, traversing the stairway in the hospital, using a cellphone; Driving the commuter train while texting on the cellphone; performing patient care, while looking at the cellphone..............danger is everywhere.

Dental Dana 38

Trying to repair a tenuous relationship with a Dental Hygienist, has some risk. Perhaps I should review our historical reference...................or not?


Dental Dana
What's her gauge,
Measurements, diameter
I don't know her age,
I seek any advantage
To be leveraged
Towards my cause,
'Cuz I'm a serial offender
I've broken so many laws.

First, there was the time
When I said, she didn't do me,
That was so incredibly offensive
I thought she would glue me,
With my jaws tight shut
Not to eat for forty days,
And use that blue-light igniter
Set on maximum phase.

After that, I posed
That she was the bomb,
Better looking even
Than my Mom,
She said that was rude
And tasteless, to boot,
So she lanced me
Without Lidocaine,
To the nadir
Of a root.

If that wasn't enough
I mentioned the word Goddess,
How can I help it
If it rhymes the word bodice,
Referring to clothing
Low-cut, across the chest,
Heck, I'm just a writer
And she's truly blessed.

And that's the crux of the matter
In a visual context,
My thoughts in a streak
Imagining what might come next,
If reality was plastic
To be shaped in a second,
The pillows would be fluffed
And Dental Dana has beckoned.

Oh, I'm such a dreamer
An old man with 'osterone,
Still grappling with slow mail
And she's on a smartphone,
Light-years ahead of me
Planning her next move,
Where she Lasers my frenulum
While shaking out her groove.

Dental Dana is beyond
Any realm of common existence,
Thus proving, in practice
There is no point in resistance,
Just do what she says
In the context of your appointment,
Believe me, do avoid
An opportunity for annointment.

Dental Dana
She's the best
And that's my conviction,
Never mind
All her weapons
You must seek benediction,
Placate her, I urge
Or you will pay the price,
Jaws without teeth
While you're sucking on ice.

5/7/15

Dental Dana 37

Last week I was in the Dentist Office, on a Tuesday; not my usual day, and there she was, the living embodiment of Dental Delight......................Dental Dana. No, she was not my Hygienist, and in truth, our days of mutual involvement, go back about 2 years now. But heck of it all, it still plays out to be a good, dang story.

Dental Dana 37

Dental Dana

She's a wonder,

I'm trying to avoid

My usual blunder,

Where I approach

And act too frisky,

With Dental Dana

That is risky.

I can't hold back

Because she's the one,

She makes every appointment

Kind of fun,

Easy on the eyes

And always cheerier,

Iron-willed

With a soft exterior.

But when she opens

Her chest of tools,

She makes it clear

She won't suffer fools,

I'll go to Hell

Without stopping in Limbo,

If I should treat her

Like a bimbo.

Yes, Dental Dana

Rules the roost,

Misbehavior

Will garner a boost,

Out the door

And into the street,

She'll wave goodbye

And smile so sweet.

4/22/15

Hospice Blues

An old time musician in hospice; what could happen?

Hospice Blues

Woke up this morning
Pondered my dues and my debt,
Smelled something funny
Damn, my diaper is wet,
Called to my Nurse
Oh Baby, I need you,
She said,  "Make up your mind -
Should I wipe you or feed you".

Oh, that woman is so cold
She won’t cut me any slack,
Slipping Ben Franklin from my wallet
Whenever I turn my back,
But what can I do
I’m disabled and weak,
I needed a good nurse
But, this one's a freak.

My mojo isn't working
On this devilish caregiver,
She's 'sposed to cook me good meals
Not, Friskies chopped liver,
Man, she's being paid
To do her nails and watch TV,
That's all she ever does
Instead of watching over me.

Now I'm fighting back
With old fashioned voodoo,
I slipped some black cat bone
And my John the conqueroo,
Into her sugar-free Pepsi
That she drinks all day long,
Pretty soon she'll be singing
The Billy Bob song.

Oh, Billy whatcha need
My attention is all yours,
Baby, grab me a Heineken
And wheel me out doors,
Rub my feet and my back
Then cook me a good dinner,
She'll say, "Bless you, Sir BB
Thanks for saving this sinner".

Nepotic Leaders

This is a fine bit of nonsense that morphs into another look at: questionable leadership...........or lack thereof.

The Family Kara-Hiri

There be Sister Euphemia
And Auntie Euthenasia,
The younger Eugenics
And Father Dysplasia,
A motley crew
With skills beyond measure,
They can lead you from oblivion
And guide you to the treasure.

An odd, assorted team
If there ever was,
How they manage to work together
Somehow, just because,
No one ever seems to know
What this bunch will do next,
They never use Facebook
And hardly ever text.

Throwbacks to an earlier age
Before our nascent technology,
Darwinian survivalists
Of primordial biology,
How they survived to this day
Is anyone's guess,
As leaders of mayhem
They barely even stress. 

They run the ship
We hold the oars,
We're whipped if we argue
They keep all the scores,
Every day they're competing
Bonus dollars, on the line,
Peons can't touch that
We are wrapped up in twine.

Nepotism at its best
Survives because they score the test,
Stack the cards, prime the deck
They jump ship first
Should we ever wreck.

The blame always falls
On the workers at the bottom,
Each of one of us musing;
When had the chance
We should have shot'em, 
So you better have a backup plan
Just what I'm saying, Dearie,
Considering the business plan
With the family Kara-Hiri.

Never Embarrassed

After a while, particularly if you worked in an Adult ICU, every situation that might be classified as embarrassing, has come and gone. That's in regard to the patient's, in their time of dire need. Therefore, how can I possibly be embarrassed about some dumb little thing, having to do with everyday living?

I am never embarrassed
And I'll tell you why,
I have seen everything
That can make a person cry,
In the course of three decades
Of this Nursing career,
Regarding comfort and privacy
As I stood at the rear.

I will never forget
The crap blasting farts,
The cratering wounds
Like infected cream tarts,
The abdominal ascites
With a peritoneal fountain,
The blubberous bulk
Of a humanoid mountain.

You might call me insensitive
And there, you'd be wrong,
We closed all the curtains
And sang the same song,
Of comfort and care
To our suffering clients,
Along with warm blankets
The Gold Standard of science.

So, can I be embarrassed?
Not after what I have seen,
What I have smelled, touched and tasted
To get everyone clean.

5/1/15

The Burden of Wait

We have all experienced the waiting...............every aspect of life presents the opportunity to wait, longer than desired.

The Burden of Wait
Unlike the Duke of Earl,
Promotes anxiety and anger
Like a fussy, irksome squirrel.

No one enjoys
Unpredictable delays,
This kind of thing can happen
On the slowest of days,
Because we are a referral center
For Cardiac disorders,
People can become so unhappy
They threaten missiles and mortars.

A traffic jam of inefficiency
And the disgruntled client,
Waiting forever
Their hunger is a giant,
After 4 or 5 hours
It's a little too much,
Our tired excuses
Are like an old, rusty crutch,
Over and over
We apologize and placate,
Feeling like this situation
Is the worse kind of blind date,
Lame excuses repeated
Again and again,
While fuming family members
Look dangerous just holding a pen.

4/30/15

Dental Dana 36

Really now, who enjoys a trip to the Dentist office? No one I know. But what if there is a hot looking hygienist to cozy up to? Exactly! Dental Dana...........fits the formulaic fictional fantasy story to a T.

Dental Dana
Makes me itch,
When I gaze at her
I start to twitch,
Which is not advised
In a Dental chair,
But is Dental Dana
Even aware?

She's so very nice
To every one of us,
Though it's a given
Some folks like to fuss,
Generating tension
During the hygiene event,
With Dental Dana
Prepare to repent.

Dental Dana
Looks hot and healthy,
She's got some moves
That border on stealthy,
Especially when placing
Tools between my jaws,
Her aim looks deadly
Like she might break some laws.

I asked for DD
When I busted a tooth,
I wanted an intelligent opinion
And her hot-buttered youth,
But with my prior history
Of Dental offence,
It's really no wonder
She wouldn't give me two cents.

Oh, I was crushed
And begged for a pardon,
I offered a shopping spree
At the Mall on Arden,
If she would please, please
Just handle this one little task,
Oh, Dental Dana
Why won't you do as I ask?

Well, she truly is an angel
Dressed in blues and whites,
She came back to the room
And punched out my lights,
When I woke up
From Dental Dana's slap,
I had a fine looking tooth
Where there once was a gap.

I promised her flowers
And a thousand dollar check,
I blew her a kiss and croaked
"Get your hands off my neck",
She gave me such a sweet
Coquettish little smile;
Oh, how we all adore
That Dental Dana style.

4/20/15

Injured me

Slipped and fell on my butt
Dislocated my shoulder,
I'm thankful I wasn't
Perched on a boulder,
Thus, now I'm one-handed
Out of sorts, yes indeed,
A horrendous injury
And I didn't even bleed.

It hurt like the dickens
Ten of ten pain,
The Fentanyl was helpful
Like IV Novocaine,
But when they pushed, pulled and cranked
On my arm for Reduction,
Fentanyl didn't touch it
I needed Diprivan induction.

I told them in the beginning
When they answered the call,
Fentanyl for discomfort, and
For the procedure, Propofol,
But young Doctors must follow
Their protocols, to the "T",
Shoot the little guns first
To set my shoulder free.

Well, that was an ordeal
Not to be repeated,
My pain hit 250
With my shoulder still unseated,
And they did concede
Stronger meds were in demand,
Like I said in the beginning
Folks, Propofol is planned.

I've used it hundreds of times
In my Nursing career,
And now that I've had it
Man, it's monstrously clear,
That, this stuff is better
Than Cinnamon toast,
Like a cool soothing blessing
By the hand of the Holy Ghost.

When I woke up
The pain was a two,
With everyone smiling
At my shoulderly view,
Repositioned, it was
So properly placed,
Just like the Doctor said
The pain was erased.

Homebound, we were
A seven hour ordeal,
I'll need several months of Rehab
To resume my curb appeal,
A turn at disability
My initial impression,
An impromptu vacation?
Note my facial expression.

I own the Truck

Nurses eat their young........while Betty *Battle-axe, never loses the appetite to nibble away at her staff. (*an aggressive, domineering, forceful woman).

Oh, the things that I could talk about
That I rarely mention,
The subtle harassments
That would get your attention,
And what is the point of these things
I'm asking you?
When we who are smart enough
Recognize those things that you do.

It's kind of funny
And Ludicrous, all the same,
Watching your twists and twirls
In this silly bothersome game,
Where, you might claim
An Auditor, noticed a thing,
In the language of HIPPA
Where your threats can really sing.

And those persons who claim to be
In charge, and your boss,
Hardly have a solid grasp
On how the salad is tossed,
When the facts truly come out
How they didn't do their homework,
It was all an exercise
To give your chain a jerk!

What nonsense I say
That's why I keep the recording,
Every time this stupid train
Honks it's horn at the time of boarding,
And the Conductor punches tickets
Intimidating, those who they wish to irritate,
I never understand it
Because it's not my fate.

My works and diction
Don't support this kind of Fiction,
Because, over the years of my dedication
I'm the guy they call, to provide salvation,
And all those other things, when dire straits run amuck
Don't mess with the guy who owns the truck.

The Kidney Got Blowed Up

Language Sinner

I thought nothing was funnier
Than Doctor's dictation,
Until I read Nursing notes
In our grammar-poor nation,
An entry discovered yesterday
Surely takes the cup,
Regarding an Iodine Allergy:
"THE KIDNEY GOT BLOWED UP".

Yes, that's how it reads
At the top of the page,
On the EMR Chart
In our digital age,
Where spelling and grammar
And gibberish, show evidence,
Suggest a lack of education
And no common sense.

The computer-based document
Allowed me to learn,
Whoever wrote that nonsense
Needs a reprimand, stern,
An embarrassment certainly
To the likes of our profession,
Come forward, language sinner!
And deliver your confession.

4/4/15

Once is enough

The story is true, the secret is secure.

Jerry Rigged

Something happened yesterday
Never seen before,
Old man farmer
Took care of a chore,
He was out of bed unclothed
IV stretched and taut,
He seemed a little confused
At least, that's what I thought.

He proved me wrong
What an entrepreneur,
He showed me his solution
For human manure,
A sudden urge, it was
He needed to take a dump,
First he peed in the urinal
And then he added a lump.

He was careful not to spill
And his aim was pretty good,
Holding the urinal to his butt
The lump went where it should,
Not a drop on the floor
I commended him for that,
Giving him some hand-wipes
'Twas a feather in his hat.

The urinal was hanging
On the bedrail with care,
We both took a look at it
And sensibly, left it there,
Then I told him to get dressed
And gave the usual teaching,
The do this and don't do that
Our standard Cardiac preaching.

When the family arrived
He was dressed and looked super,
No mention was made
Of the jerry rigged pooper,
We shook hands and both stated
Let's not do this again,
Despite all the fun
After all, we are men.