Someone was telling me about the latest diet, and then we had a laugh about the "obesity chain letter" that you would have to send to 3 other people so the secret magic worked. I enjoy silly ideas like that; they stimulate my writing.

The Diobesity Chain Letter

When the letter first came to me
It almost made me cry,
It said, "You better lose weight
Or you will surely die",
Your cholesterol (Oh, lordy)
Is so high it can't be counted,
Your HDL is puny
And your LDL has mounted,
To a level never seen before
In the annals of Cardiac medicine,
"Beyond a chance of survival"
Said (the famous), Dr. Edison.

I was on the verge of tears
Because I didn't know what to do,
So I grabbed a tasty side of beef
For a 14 hour chew,
While my triglyceride's kept leaking
From every available pore,
(They help me slide out sideways
Out my Winnebago door.)

After reading all of that letter
Every chapter, page and verse,
I felt that I was doomed
By my genetic family curse,
Those generations on the prairie
Raising cattle, sheep and swine,
With deep subliminal messages
That said, "Baby, you must dine".

Genetic memory eaters
Can't be blamed for their bad habits,
When we consume a couple calories
They multiply like rabbits,
Pretty soon we've grown some haunches
That have no rivals anywhere,
One day we balance upon a stool
And tomorrow we bust the chair.

After several rounds of reading
I knew the message was a beast,
My health was heading south
While I continued driving east,
To get as far away as possible
From the evidence in that note
I was convinced that "fat and happy"
Was baby, "All she wrote".

I crumpled up that paper
And headed for the shredder,
But I slipped upon my lard
And nearly took a header,
Finally noticing a post-script
That offered me some hope,
Would it be enough to save me
Here, at the end of my rope?

The instructions were so simple
"At least that's the way it sounds",
What have I got to lose
Other than 150 pounds,
And one more thing, it mentioned
I must forward the letter to others,
Similar folks, of similar means
Diobesity sisters and brothers.

I'd be cutting back on eating
All my favorite types of food,
The thought of that, was so heavy
I had a 17 hour brood,
But the alternative, yea the options
Stared me boldly in the eye,
Remember what I told you, chick
"You could surely die".

My family had already been down this road
Sisters, brothers, and cousins too,
An inch would come off, then add an extra pound
Just stand in the mirror, and there's more of you,
It's a vicious cycle and around the bend
Diseases are waiting to pounce,
In for a penny and out for a pound
Over the years gaining ounce by ounce.

That Diobesity chain letter?
I sent it to three people, in a hurry,
I guess it really comes down to me
Cut back on the calories and curry,
But what have I got to lose
Other than one hundred fifty pounds,
Get buried before death is due to me?
Or lose all my heaps and mounds.

Fibril_late;
9/15/09