Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Gordy, Lordy! WTF?!?

We, (all nurses, in this singularly broad arena of a particular organization) must assimilate, into our already, highly-demanding and the-plate-seems-too-full-and-I'm-stuffed-with-27-things-that-should-never-happen-in-the-hospital events, faced with but another way, that we the bedside nurses, are supposed to increase the odds, that Mr./Mrs./Ms. patient, will be happier than a pig in shit, to recommend our hospital to others, and bother to come back here again.

Look folks, our town is at the "ground-zero" of Managed Care and Capitation. Our clients/patients don't really get a choice regarding where they get care. Who are the powers-to-be, trying to fool. In this community, we have about 5 predominant Health-care insurance providers in place, and if you belong to them, you essentially have been assigned to Hospital A, B, C, or D, whereupon, you will be delivered, to get your infected Gall Bladder removed. This is not about satisfaction and choice.

But perhaps it is all about reportable statistics? Hmmmm, that has a nice sound to it, n'est pas? Oui!

But, because of the way the "business" model works best, there is a filtering down of ideas, to the basic level of care. Thus, the collective we, are faced with, "The Nursing Bungle". Sure, I know that seems a bit odd for a name, but.......well, in fact, that is truly my derivation of what is being passed off as the greatest thing since french-bread with snails, "The Nursing Bundle".

I know this was along harangue, but I'm just letting you know, there will be a bunch of poems to follow, that will address this topic.

Stay Tuned

I’ve got a slew of poems
About the Nursing Bungle,
Stay tuned for the latest
Coming out of the jungle,
The morass of misfired management
It goes all the way to the top,
The hot topic this year?
Patient satisfaction slop.


The Nursing Bungle

The Nursing Bungle....
We heard it first,
From the very mouths of babes
Man, it made me really thirst,
The refreshments were okay.
Crackers, cookies, and cheese,
I kept going back to the chef
And begging, “Mister, please”,
Do invite me again
To the next festive event,
I swear, in the meantime
I'll do my best to repent,
For my overt body language
Silently screaming, without a sound,
As I sat pondering all that information
Joe Studer discovered and found.

Look, it's the same old data
Repackaged and pretty,
Shiny mylar balloons
And a parade in the city,
With new benchmarks and measures
Lengthy checklists and more,
Observations by the charge-nurse
Who will stand by the door,
Observing our behaviors
And making check-marks on a paper,
Yes, these are the hallmarks
Of another questionable caper.

The Nursing Bungle it is
The name is so apropos,
Educate ye olde bedside nurse
As if they don't know,
About care and collaboration
Critical illness and more,
Now, it's all about “satisfaction”
When Mr. Patient leaves our floor.

Let's recognize the fact
It's just old stuff renewed,
And management has emphasized
Follow orders, or you're screwed,
Because we have to be compliant
And take on new behaviors,
Avoid 27 new bad things
Then all is well, proclaim our saviors.

It's old and it's new
And we get tired of this,
Every five years, or so
We're told something's amiss,
But the problem really isn't
On the street of our action,
It's just a management perspective
And I call it, distraction.

Someone way at the top
Looks around at the horizon,
Some study results tell him
You're losing money, it's not surprizin',
The economy is down
But you must blame it on people,
Find the guy at the bottom
And impale him on a steeple.

The dollars float up
To the top of the pond,
Mr. ground-cover boss
Wants to wave his magic wand,
And ensure that the fiscal
Prosperity of his being,
Remains all omnipresent
Instead of his salary fleeing.

So the shit slides down hill
To finally find the plateau,
We're inserviced, “The Nursing Bungle”
It's the same old stuff, don't you know?


Doubtful Old Man

Call me a conspiracy theorist
Call me a fool with a pen,
Whenever there is a new fangled program
I want to know why, where and when.

Call me disruptive and cynical
Call me a doubtful old man,
Laugh when I'm doing the research
Following the trail of the plan.

I want to know the cause for new action
When management demands our compliance,
When rules and directives are jammed down our throats
Under the guise of some evidence based science.


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