Come Pliants

Apparently our metrics regarding Customer Satisfaction were abysmal again. So naturally, blame the Nurses. Everywhere in the good old USA, Nurses have to put up with this corporate BS. Essentially, management would love it if we girls would just remain easy and compliant, and always do what daddy says. I say, fuggedaboutit !!!

Come Pliants

I missed an appointment
Two times already,
The Nursing Bungle
That's the name of it, Freddy,
I guess the powers that be
Think we all need retraining,
If our profits keep dropping
They'll start again, with the caning.

Flogging us daily
A customer service reminder,
Do your hourly rounding
And always be kinder,
Remember the 4-P's
No Pass Zone and AIDET,
If I was sure there were refreshments
I probably would have made it.

I've been told I'll be paid
For this mandatory class,
But that doesn't mean
It's not a pain in the ass,
I just think we'd do better
Without our billion dollar advertising,
Invest in the employees?
The results might be surprising.

Instead, they hammer away at us
Regarding the metrics they measure,
Reports of satisfaction
Give executives pleasure,
They throw a big box of money
Focusing attention on our image,
While kicking around the employees
Like a sandlot scrimmage.

Well, I'm not so compliant
Though I am persistent,
I balk at coercion
With intent to be resistant,
When workers are badgered
Threatened and harassed,
Perhaps, that's why I forget
Until the appointment has passed.

I don't want to participate
In this customary nonsense,
Nurses are not to blame
For the usual offense,
Better to focus attention
On the business design,
Management, listen to our voices
Collectively, we decline!

Just Another Fad

Here is a FAD you ought not to bother with.

FAD

Familial Aortic Dissection
If you don't know you have it
You have no protection,
Just when it will strike
No one really knows,
So you better be careful
What you put up your nose.

Familial ascending
Aortic dissection,
A genetic mishap
Of cosmic selection,
You better have a good surgeon
One who knows what he's doing,
It's a little more complicated
Than light bulb screwing.

After the tissues, monetary issues

Pass the Gate

It was a quick death
When he lost his breath,
A short goodbye
Because he had to die,
He hitched a ride
To the other side,
And waved his palm frond
To the great beyond,
And took a key lime pie
To that place in the sky.

St. Peter said,
Did you bring the bread?
You mean Heaven, ain't free
You gotta be kidding me,
He said, just because you died
You don't get a free ride,
If you want to pass through my gate
You better fill the collection plate.

Terminology Murder

I do break-relief in two ICU's. I read the charts of all those patients that I interact with, because I need to know what I'm dealing with for that one hour. This knowledge also allows me to contribute pertinent assessments, to assist the staff member I'm working with.

Bottom line; I read a lot of charts. I have decided to place some attention to the use of home-made Medical Terminology, those abbreviations that are not included on the standardized lists. Essentially, these are unique notations, understood by only that person who is doing the documentation. No nurse wants to end up in a court, arguing about what they were charting on that dark and stormy night; especially, when they were using unauthorized charting terminology.

Medical terminology?
We must agree,
To use the same terms
One, two, three,
To share information
Promotes understanding,
Or we’ll see you in court
And be more demanding.

GUOP, what is it?
Is it something you ate?
Might be GUacamole
On an Outdoor Plate,
And why chart it twice
How much urine amounted,
When it was entered on I & O
The running tally accounted?

Prop for sedation
Now what does that mean?,
A couple large pillows
In a stage-play scene?
When you charted it already
In the IV Drip roster,
In terms of documentation
You are an imposter.

S/W, makes me wonder
Did you mean Smith & Wesson?
What kind of a shot?
Please don’t keep us guessin’,
Because the family wants to know
How Billy-Bob died,
MDR completed, coninue poc
That’s what they cried.

Bld clt
Might have been talking
About me,
I belong to the bald cult
Check Facebook
You will see,
Might have meant
Blood culture
But it’s not our terminology,
Once again, your charting
Approaches pathology.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

GUOP…………..good urine output
Prop…………….Propofol
S/W..................... spoke with
MDR completed, coninue poc…………(What did this convey?)
bld clt...................blood culture

One Ideal Leads to Another

Nice and proper, litigation averse charting; that's what we are taught.

Pretty Nice Terms

All of us are coached
In Nursing school class,
To say anal discomfort
Not a pain in the ass,
We say, you are combative
Not a son of a bitch,
Your wife is unruly
Not a low class witch.

Yes, we pamper our language
In pretty nice terms,
You are infected with Ascaris
Better known as worms,
You ate uncooked pork
With your fermented grain,
Acquiring Cysticercosis
Larvae in the brain.

We leave it to you
To tell your wonderful story,
Hello, Social Media
For your fame and glory,
You don’t need good looks
Just take a picture of your worm,
You’ll get millions of likes
And make everyone squirm.

Valve Job

Another moral tale: The Valves of Meth.

He was twenty nine
When he ruined his valve
And had it fixed in our garage,
Now eighteen months later
He did it again
With another
Drug fueled barrage.

He came back to the same old Surgeon
Who offered a second dance,
Declaring, you stupid young punk
After this, you get no third chance,
He is polite and innocent looking
Appearing younger than stated age,
But the drugs
Have ravaged his organs,
He is now at the 99th page.

Clearly, his Mom
Wants the best for her punk,
She thinks he is retrievable
Although he's strung out on junk,
She drove him from one hospital
And brought him to us,
We're the best Cardiac
Says the sign on the bus.

A sad, sorry story
Of a Methamphetamine user,
A slow kind of suicide
For the drug abuser,
Ingesting powerful stuff
Unknown ingredients, the issue,
Whatever strange concoction        
Wrecks your organs and tissue.

What is the likelihood
That he will get clean?
Stop snorting dirt
If you know what I mean,
The odds are not favorable
But we'll repair him just the same,
We taxpayers got it covered
Because billing is the game.