Infusion Pump Apocalypse

From the "New Brilliant Stuff" Department: (jokes and more)

Consider the similarities:
Q: A Creamcicle ice-cream treat and the IV tubing used for hanging a piggyback medication.
A: The Creamsicle........you suck on dairy;
      The IV tubing set is called a Secondary.

Admission Database question:
Q: Have you ever had an infectious disease?
A: No I haven't, but some people say that I have an infectious laugh.

- - - - -

Here is a retirement business (or hobby) that I am considering:
I will have a sideshow / shooting range or even a mobile unit, perhaps a repurposed mobile home. At this location, Nurses will be able to shoot the weapon of their choice (Sig Sauer, Desert Eagle, Mossberg shotgun, you name it) at old, retired IV Pumps. Heck, I'd be more than willing to pay $20 for a chance to do that. Just think of the satisfaction you could have, sending one of those infernal beeping monsters, to it's bloody grave.

Stay tuned for the Infusion Pump Apocalypse!

Incompetent

Incompetent employees exist to make all of the rest of us look really good? Now that, is an interesting theory.

The truth of the matter, is that incompetence should not be rewarded, by allowing that individual to remain in their job. Some folks never improve, and as any industry changes and moves forward, Joe Bob the Incompetent, becomes a dangerous liability. Employers should have a contract clause that states, “JB, if you don’t learn the new stuff that is expected of all employees in your department……...YOU ARE FIRED!

The Headmaster
Turns a blind eye,
Intentionally ignoring
The incompetent guy,
The one who hasn’t kept up
With the changes in Nursing,
Every day that he works
The experts are cursing.

The Assistant boss
Ponders other things instead,
Ignoring the possibility
A patient might be dead,
Under the care of
Incompetent Billie,
Boss holds the thought
Oh, that’s just too silly,
Figuring the other nurses
Will keep an eye on that punk,
But, everyone else
Would like to throw him in a trunk.

Incompetent Billie
Types with a single digit,
If you’re standing nearby
Oh surely, you will fidget,
Watching with frustration
As he searches for each letter,
He skipped typing class in High School
He never gets any better.

Perhaps Billie believed
It’s all rumor and hype,
Someday I won’t be writing
That I will have to type,
So, why should I bother
To learn any new stuff,
Patients are just people
And I know enough.

For eight years now
Billie has restated,
I don’t have enough time
And it’s so complicated,
I can’t take another patient
Because I’m too far behind,
Floundering on the keyboard
He appears to be blind.

Your career in Nursing
Exceeds twenty years,
But watching you work
Doth bring me to tears,
You don’t know jack
And you ask me every day,
“How do I chart this
They didn’t teach me, no way”.
            _  _  _  _

When I ran to the break-room
Stating, “Oh, I think I saw my son”,
I was really going to my locker
To retrieve the loaded gun,
That I keep there for emergencies
And that time has come today,
Goodbye, Billie
Let me assist you, on your way.

No snacks.............worth eating

The graham crackers are gone from our Patient Nutrition Snack drawer. In our two ICU's and also over at Trauma and SICU where I visited last week. What's up with that? In my opinion, and I am sure, many other Nurses would agree, Graham crackers and Peanut butter have been a regular option in our Patient Nutrition area, in our "pantry"for nigh, 40 years. Now these items are gone. There was no warning and no explanation from the Dietary Dept, so I'm thinking it was a result of the "higher-ups" slashing costs, just like our knuckle-head in Chief. It's the equivalent of pulling the funding for Elderly Meals on Wheels! If I am ever in the hospital, I won't eat any darn thing on that menu. My mate (or support group) will be responsible for providing me all of my nutritional needs. I'd rather have TPN than any of that hospital garbage (meals). Only the Graham crackers would be acceptable.

Folks know that I never, ever eat anything from the cafeteria. I did it once, about 8 years ago........and very likely had food poisoning. That's 38 years of passing up hospital food.

Graham crackers are gone
What's up with that?
It's not like anyone
Was getting fat,
From a couple little packages
Maybe a one ounce portion,
Human kindness in action
Oh, what a distortion.

No graham crackers
No peanut butter too?,
The whole world is not allergic
Probably not even you,
Plus, the sorbet is missing
Along with ice cream,
Our human kindness menu
Will make you want to scream.

Yep, we're going out of our way
To satisfy your appetite,
When you want a little snack
In the middle of the night,
And all we have to offer
Is pudding and jello.
Plus, an old turkey sandwich
Its color, chrome yellow.

More Items Branded

Our Big Brother agency, is still placing their colors, branding, kindness logo's on everything, except.............the vomit bags. Everybody in the worker force now has their own special color and we are "given" a number of outfits (uniforms) per year, so at least that might be a perk. But wait, there's more; I bet you haven't heard about the Human Kindness Underwear !!!!...........Look for them soon at Ross.

Magical Frog

Diggity branding messages
Even on the soap,
Back when we were CHW
We had soapy Pope-on-a-rope;

But the Pope was excommunicated
And now the suds are alcohol,
With gentle soft emollients
But friends, that isn't all......
Now, you can get two more
With a nail brush, that's no jive,
Six dollars shipping and handling
For nineteen ninety-five.

And if you call right away
You're one lucky dog,
Within sixty minutes
You'll get a magical frog,
But that's not all
We have more to share,
Are you ready for the latest?
Human kindness underwear.

Gourmet Thrombus

Do remember, when travelling in planes, trains or automobiles, to stop now and then for a simple walk. Wear support hose, and maybe even take a baby aspirin
(ask your Dr., of course).

Another big story
About a very large man,
How truck driver Bob
Just sits on his can,
Hundreds of hours
Week after week,
He eats far too much
He's an overweight freak.

A heavy tobacco user
He breathes his own second-hand smoke,
Driving the long haul
It's a wonder he doesn't choke,
With the windows rolled up
Like he's afraid of fresh air,
He has nicotine stained fingers
And tar in his hair.

Science has taught us
That long periods of sitting,
Are about as physically demanding
As a knitter at knitting,
In that sit down position
On an airline or a bus,
You have a high risk to develop
A Pulmonary embolus.

One thirty five kilos
Driver Bob, is pretty big.
He stops at the trucker diners
And eats like a pig,
These are not gourmet restaurants
They use the cheapest ingredients,
Lard, salt and sugar
Because it's expedient.

For sure, it satisfies cravings
Big men in 18-wheelers,
I'm not saying their work is easy
But these are heart attack dealers,
Stopping at Cafe' Cholesterol
Fill up their bellies, and refuel the truck,
And if they happen to get sick?
Just call it dumb luck.

Truck driver Bob, had pain
Man, he was aching,
In his legs and his loins
He was practically shaking,
Like that place on his flank
When he had that kidney stone,
But then he waited two weeks
Before he picked up the phone.

He went to Emergency
The man was in dire straits,
His thinking was all messed up
Couldn't remember any dates,
About what exactly happened
And when did it start,
All he knows, he kept on driving
He was in denial; not very smart.

The Cat scan did show
A massive venous clot,
From Inferior Vena Cava
To the Femoral shot,
His legs and his scrotum
Swelled up like balloons,
Plus, he was already built
Like a giant pontoon.

Did I mention that he weighs
One hundred thirty five K,
That's three hundred pounds
In the middle of the day,
About the size of three
Asian, new Grad nurses,
Who are mumbling
Into their iPhone's,
Obesity Curses.

TPA and Heparin drips
In bilateral Femoral lines,
Trying to dissolve big thrombus
Without infarcting his spine,
Absolute bed-rest
Be observant for emboli,
If they migrate to his lungs
Trucker Bob, could easily die.

That would be a memorable
CPR,
Like doing chest compressions
On a Mini-Cooper car,
Rarely successful
Even in the ICU setting,
Odds makers in Jersey
Are already betting.

Fake News

Fake news, Part 2. Sure, we in the public have been beat to a pulp with this non-news story of fake news. It has always been around, but now, the concept is being used as a tool for harm.

Consider this "news" that isn't:
I graduated from an accredited California Nursing school, in 1983. The school diploma did not specify that it was in Nursing, but rather just an AA degree.

Imagine my surprise, when some dweeb from Corporate, the one who looks at Point of Care device authorization, apparently caught sight of my nondenominational AA degree, and said to himself, "Hmm, this guy didn't go to Nursing school". After a couple more dull moments, he must have thought, "I gotta inform someone". He fires an alarming email off to HR, my ICU Manager, and a couple others who might care. And finally, a copy came to me, but not from the Dweeb himself. I mean, why bother to ask me in the first place, when I might be the guy who has qualifiable supporting documentation that I am really an RN, that went to a real Nursing school.

Here is a story
Of epic distortion,
How the facts of the tale
Were bent out of proportion,
To present a version of truth
With no hint that it is factual,
We call this false news
And present it as actual.
_ - -

I'm not letting this one slide.

Signed,

Faked out in Fargo

Clean Out

GoLytely, is not lyte! They should have called it, "Drink Soap and Crapalot"
Well, times have changed, and for the better.


Clean Out

There will come a day

When you need to empty out,

Well, I discovered a remedy

I could publish and shout,

But, if I were to do that

I would certainly lose my edge,

And the next thing you know

I could be hiding under a hedge.

Hedge fund managers

Would be chasing after me,

They want to tap into my secret

Regarding this intestinal evacuee,

It's a multi-million dollar

Investment cycle milieu,

There is a lot of shit to spread around

And it all begins with YOU.

Some things are very sensitive

One can't inform the general population,

After all, I could really profit

From bowel medicine exploitation,

No more Golytely preps

With that vague citrus taste,

Whereby, most prescribed users

Will lie about, how much they waste.

It might seem drastic

Regarding what you do,

When you need to promote

Digestive doo-doo,

It's a method and a madness

And it really works, you'll see,

If you want to know about it

Step right up, and pay the fee.

Switch back and forth

A cup of tea, a cup of beer,

After four rounds of that

The toilet you will fear,

And after seven sit-downs

Take a glass of purple wine,

Your day will be complete

When you're flowing loose and fine.

There is one more ingredient

It can not be mentioned here,

It may foment religious commotion

And rile folks, with fear,

So, if you want the complete remedy

Just send me twenty dollars,

You will receive the secret Mojo

Known to very few scholars.

We take all major credit cards

Anything debit, that’s for sure,

Food stamps, cash, aluminum cans

Any questions?, read the brochure,

Anything recyclable

Goes to a local buyer,

Together we're custodians

Our Environment, Doth Inspire!

Your G.I. Doc, will recommend

GoLYTELY, for purification,

Please think of us, consumer

For a clean-out kind of vacation,

It won't seem as crazy stupid

As drinking a gallon of soap, 

Plus, you'll get a little buzz

Along with a pleasant sense of hope.