Mark-5

Little preamble required on this one, as the majority of us Nurses had to deal with this somewhere in our careers (with an emphasis on rears)!

With a rapid ejection
From his butt,
He expelled all the contents
Of his massive gut,
Like a Mark-5 torpedo
At a high rate of speed,
Then he turned to his Nurse and said
"Isn't it time for me to feed?"

Skin Wager

I am a little apprehensive
Regarding my next trip,
To the Skin Doctor, because
They want me to strip,
To thoroughly examine
My skin, from head to toe,
Having previously looked
From the waist up, you know.

I must remove all my clothing
And wear some temporary covering,
While an Intern and Resident
And the Professor are hovering,
Just outside of the room
And checking their pagers,
In total anticipation
Of their most recent wagers,
Regarding the statistical totality
Of my northern pale skin,
I am sorry to say
'Tis the one I was born in.

So far, I've been fortunate
Nothing to worry about, beyond reason,
But I gotta tell you, those Doctors
Get a kick, with all their freezin',
Of any little thing
That looks remotely suspicious,
Kind of like a barbecue Chef
Where every kind of meat looks delicious.

I will walk out of that office
Having suffered over-exposure,
In conclusion, I hope
With a sense of contemplative closure,
Most likely, to return again
A yearly visit, I suspect,
And Dr. K will admonish:
Wear sunscreen and protect.

Total Rewards

There I was today, perusing the company website portal, trying to get a look at my paycheck (browser not supported from home) and pondered the terminology my organization uses to descibe the sum-total of programs covering pay, pension, retirement, insurance and so on. Our naming is, "Total Rewards". Quite naturally  I began to ponder, wander and wonder on this whole thing.

Where I work
Payroll is listed on the Company Internet home page
Under the menu "Total Rewards",
According to the dictionary, this is defined as:
Noun - "a thing given in recognition of one's service, effort, or achievement"
Verb - "make a gift of something to (someone) in recognition of their services, efforts, or achievements";
But really, how does that apply to the worker-ant hordes,
The ones that slave on day after day
Because this is just a job,
Which could be performed by just about eveyone
Even Billy-Joe, the dumpster slob.

Are we all being compensated
In the usual hourly way?
Or truly being rewarded
As the homepage, suggests, to say,
That a properly emptied waste basket
Is equivalent to saving a life,
While some might say, if I don't do it at home
I will catch Hell, from my stay-at-home wife.

Total Rewards in summation
Looks at all of every things,
Unless you work as Per-Diem
Not tied to the apron strings.

Dental Dana 49

Dental Dana is so sweet
And never ever vicious,
Quite frankly, I tell you
She looks absolutely delicious,
For seven years now
She's been working at the store,
She looks good coming in
And out every door.

Let me tell you why
I like her so much,
She is an angel
With a feathery touch,
I barely sense her efforts
Until she stabs my plaque,
Yes, things like that
Are why I keep going back.

She gave me a tingle
With her ultrasonic gun,
That's why folks
This chick is so fun,
Never a dull moment
In the hygienists lair,
Though, she has all the weapons
So it isn't quite fair.

6/16/16

Talking at Two

An ICU is a noisy place; we all know that. And we have been instructed, regarding how important it is to limit casual conversations in the presence of those same patient's and the public in general. When a person is newly admitted to the ICU, they are frightened, anxious and often, downright unstable. After we get them settled, maybe that person can relax enough to even sleep or doze. What they don't need, is their nurse to hold a palsy-walsy meet-and-greet, with a buddy or two while still standing in the room.

Talking at 2 a.m.
In the patients room,
Give me a bat
Or a sweeping broom,
To coax them along
And out the door,
A boot to the head
The winning score.

A cotton curtain wall
Doesn't block voices,
You are his nurse
And thus, you have choices,
To show respect
The fellow needs to rest,
Yackety-yak nurses
I'm not impressed.

For Gods sake, remember
He just came from the Cath Lab,
Without Emergency services
He'd be dead on a slab,
Ice-cold and blue
At the morgue out back,
But, Dr. Genius placed stents
To cure the heart attack.

So, just think about it
The dude needs quiet and rest,
You told his wife, you'd watch over him
But you failed the test,
When Bootsie came over
Just to say, "Hi",
And Joe Bob in the bed
He wonders why,
Regarding Bootsie and you
Less than 10 feet away,
Talky nurses on a break
Like it's the middle of the day.

Others noticed
Your noisy conversation,
At 2 in the morning
It's an aberration,
Talking it up
With a friend and another,
You deserve a smack
From your dear old Mother.

This isn't a tirade
Regarding women or youth,
There's a time and place for everything
That is the truth,
But it's hard enough already
To sleep in this joint,
So, please leave the room to talk;
Do you get my point!

California Hospital Prices

Worthwhile story regarding the rise of hospital prices, in the setting of giant Health-care conglomerates.

June 13, 2016 @ L.A. Times
http://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-hiltzik-california-hospitals-20160613-snap-story.html

A big hospital story
And it’s kind of funny,
Despite reported low profits
We should follow the money,
A USC report
Regarding uprising prices,
Relay the real truth
Regarding profit devices.

Now, we’re often reminded
How the money can’t be found,
Yet, a story describes
There is plenty around,
With Dignity earning
A half billion bucks,
Layoffs and cutbacks
For employees?, that sucks.

To Silence the Alarms

During the most recent Break-Nurse shift, I designated myself as the alarm-silencer, as there was a situation calling for that duty (if you're a Nurse, you know what I mean). This prompted a weird idea, as most of you are undoubtedly aware of a book (and movie series), "The Silence of the Lambs". Naturally, it caused me to ponder, "The Silence of the Alarms", and here is my version.

Prologue:

There was a ghoulish
Murderous story
Regarding quiet sheep,
A serial-killer on the loose
His first victim Little Bo Peep,
His crime, so truly heinous
My thoughts, Oh, bloody damn,
The saddest thing about it was;
The silence of the lamb.

Introduction:

Now silence is golden
At least, that's what we're told,
But enter any hospital
You'll notice silence is old,
So old, in fact
It long passed away,
The cacophony in the joint
Is a tumultuous affray.

A new job position
Break-nurse, by name,
For all intents and purposes
A minor player in the game,
But there's a quiet revolution
Down on the farm,
The true reason to hire him
To silence the alarm.

Once Upon a Time:

Thus, here's a better story
About a handy guy,
He's older than Methuselah
They say his patients never die,
He's training for retirement
But still needs to fill his purse,
No better choice available
To be your ICU break nurse.

After in-depth interviewing
And resume' perusal,
Floyd Dean, said, "Dammit, hire him
We won't accept refusal",
Because, we know he is an expert
And we are threatened by mighty harms,
Who better, to take the reins
To silence the alarms.

He worked in 60 hospitals
ICU, in every chapter,
A mercenary of sorts
Rapid assessment and adapter,
But now he's slowing down
He desires a scene, less violent,
Who wouldn't want his expertise?
He can make an alarm go silent.

Epilogue:

The new guy, is really the old guy
And that's just one of his charms,
Just park him in front of the monitors
To silence the alarms.