Dental Dana 40

Dental Dana
That's her, over there,
She looks real good
Just sitting in a chair,
But when she turned sideways
The view was unbelievable,
I inhaled the mondo pick
And now it's unretrievable.

Coughing and sputtering
She hurried to my side,
Because it never looks good
If your patient has died,
But I wasn't dead yet
So she kindly observed,
When I tried to grab her
She skillfully swerved.

A stylish pirouette
Dental Dana a dancer?
I should have guessed it
This obvious answer,
Why, with all of my moves
I never seem to get close,
And with her blow-dart sedative
I always earn a double dose.

5/30/15

Retirement

A long career in Nursing eventually leads to dinner-table talk, of old stories. We all have our favorites; some people telling tales, that suggest they were the "smartest" nurse at the time, perhaps showing a Medical Resident how to do something the right way. My stories usually describe some kind of gross or unusual circumstance, that I found to be sickly humorous.

Four old nurses
Sitting around a table,
Each of them states
Boy, I have a fable,
That you ought to hear
It's the craziest story,
Each nurse has
Their tale of glory.

How about the time
The 900 pound client,
Swore on a bible
"I'm sodium compliant",
I only eat pretzels
That my Momma makes,
It hurt her feelings
When I said no, to the cakes.

Oh, let me tell you
About the ascites fountain,
That fellow had a belly
Bigger than a mountain,
When his umbilical hernia
Popped open under pressure,
It sprayed me with the fluid
Oh, nothing is fresher.

Well, that made some giggles
But did you hear about Rob?
Billy-Bob Borko
Was one heck of a slob,
He sat on the commode
And when he stood up,
That commode bucket
Was one stuck cup,
On Billy-Bob's backside
And then it crashed to the floor,
The nasty, stinky liquid
Splashed all the way to the door,
Practically covering Rob
And he exclaimed, "Shit,
Someone, call Hazmat
See  you later, I QUIT".

Another favorite story
Was the disappearing man,
I met his nurse in the hallway
She said, "I'm looking for Stan",
He's been kind of confused
We can't find him anywhere,
He had a Posey vest on
But now he's not there.

I followed her to the room
The mattress was on the floor,
Stan, wasn't there
Did he run out the door?
No one has seen him
Should we call the Head Nurse?
Let's wait a little longer
Because who needs that curse?

Then we heard some muffled sounds
And that mattress did shake,
"Is this room haunted
Good lord, is that a snake",
Slithering beneath
The bedclothes on the floor,
With one look below -
There was Stan, looking sore.

He'd been thrashing and pulling
Then he mustered a lunge,
Over the rail he went
A swan-dive, a plunge,
Face down on the floor
With the mattress attached,
He appeared to be gone
But survived, yea, unscratched

We reassembled the package
And got him back in bed,
Assessed for broken bones
And bumps on his head,
He had no complaints
He just wanted to sleep,
"Sweet dreams, dear old Stan
Please don't make a peep".

And that's how the talk goes
With old nurses at the table,
Later on the, Maître de'
Will lead us back to the stable.

5/29/15

Dental Dana 39

Dental Dana 39 

Dental Dana
She's a hottie,
We went out to lunch
And shared a chapati,
I told her she was hot
Right to her face,
And then she sprayed me
With her mace.

She threatened me
Right in that booth,
Regarding a missing
Canine tooth,
And the crown to replace it
Sure, it could get lost,
And regardless,
I'd have to cover the cost.

Dental Dana
She's a wily one,
And that's what makes her
So much fun.

 5/29/15

Smartphones, Ignorant Parents

This is not really about Nursing or Medicine, but instead a reminder regarding our lack of situational awareness (a result of our fascination with streamed entertainment).

I went to a coffee house this morning, and noticed 3 persons at a table. What looked to be a Mom and Dad and their son, of an estimate age of four. The parents each had a smartphone, with the whole of their attention on the device, effectually unaware of anything going on around them. The young fellow looked my way, as I walked past the table. The parents had zero attention for their son; a trajedy in of itself, and a lure to any wacko in the audience. How easy it would be to steal a purse, or even their child.

Telephone Charades

With mom and dad
On their telephone,
I'm just sitting here
All alone,
Watching strangers
At the coffee shop,
I'm completely ignored
By mom and pop.

Lots of others
In this place,
Hold a smartphone
Up to their face,
They are unaware
Of what is near,
I could be kidnapped
Or disappear.

Stranger man
He walks by,
We look at each other
Eye to eye,
He seems to notice
My mom and dad,
Faces tuned
To phone and pad.

He looks nice
And asks my name,
Just like Charades
I know that game,
We played it once
At Grandma's house,
He whispers to me
"Be quiet as a mouse".

We'll go outside
You won't be bad,
'Cause it's Ok
With mom and dad,
They are too busy
And you're alone,
They're more interested
In their telephone.

You can come back later
When we're done,
You'll tell them how
They missed our fun,
But for now
They just don't care,
The phone is more important
Than having you there.

They'll be excited
Yesiree,
Wondering what
You did with me,
But that's our secret
So, let's not tell,
Or mom and daddy
Will go to Hell.

You can show them
Your brand new toy,
I gave it to you
You're such a good boy,
Because that's what
Mom and daddy say,
Along with please and thank you
And have a nice day.
_ _ _ _ __ __

Sure, it's creepy; but so real is the danger we are inviting into our lives when we subjugate our awareness to outside distractions. For example: Driving the car using the cellphone; walking across a busy intersection looking at the cellphone, traversing the stairway in the hospital, using a cellphone; Driving the commuter train while texting on the cellphone; performing patient care, while looking at the cellphone..............danger is everywhere.

Dental Dana 38

Trying to repair a tenuous relationship with a Dental Hygienist, has some risk. Perhaps I should review our historical reference...................or not?


Dental Dana
What's her gauge,
Measurements, diameter
I don't know her age,
I seek any advantage
To be leveraged
Towards my cause,
'Cuz I'm a serial offender
I've broken so many laws.

First, there was the time
When I said, she didn't do me,
That was so incredibly offensive
I thought she would glue me,
With my jaws tight shut
Not to eat for forty days,
And use that blue-light igniter
Set on maximum phase.

After that, I posed
That she was the bomb,
Better looking even
Than my Mom,
She said that was rude
And tasteless, to boot,
So she lanced me
Without Lidocaine,
To the nadir
Of a root.

If that wasn't enough
I mentioned the word Goddess,
How can I help it
If it rhymes the word bodice,
Referring to clothing
Low-cut, across the chest,
Heck, I'm just a writer
And she's truly blessed.

And that's the crux of the matter
In a visual context,
My thoughts in a streak
Imagining what might come next,
If reality was plastic
To be shaped in a second,
The pillows would be fluffed
And Dental Dana has beckoned.

Oh, I'm such a dreamer
An old man with 'osterone,
Still grappling with slow mail
And she's on a smartphone,
Light-years ahead of me
Planning her next move,
Where she Lasers my frenulum
While shaking out her groove.

Dental Dana is beyond
Any realm of common existence,
Thus proving, in practice
There is no point in resistance,
Just do what she says
In the context of your appointment,
Believe me, do avoid
An opportunity for annointment.

Dental Dana
She's the best
And that's my conviction,
Never mind
All her weapons
You must seek benediction,
Placate her, I urge
Or you will pay the price,
Jaws without teeth
While you're sucking on ice.

5/7/15

Dental Dana 37

Last week I was in the Dentist Office, on a Tuesday; not my usual day, and there she was, the living embodiment of Dental Delight......................Dental Dana. No, she was not my Hygienist, and in truth, our days of mutual involvement, go back about 2 years now. But heck of it all, it still plays out to be a good, dang story.

Dental Dana 37

Dental Dana

She's a wonder,

I'm trying to avoid

My usual blunder,

Where I approach

And act too frisky,

With Dental Dana

That is risky.

I can't hold back

Because she's the one,

She makes every appointment

Kind of fun,

Easy on the eyes

And always cheerier,

Iron-willed

With a soft exterior.

But when she opens

Her chest of tools,

She makes it clear

She won't suffer fools,

I'll go to Hell

Without stopping in Limbo,

If I should treat her

Like a bimbo.

Yes, Dental Dana

Rules the roost,

Misbehavior

Will garner a boost,

Out the door

And into the street,

She'll wave goodbye

And smile so sweet.

4/22/15

Hospice Blues

An old time musician in hospice; what could happen?

Hospice Blues

Woke up this morning
Pondered my dues and my debt,
Smelled something funny
Damn, my diaper is wet,
Called to my Nurse
Oh Baby, I need you,
She said,  "Make up your mind -
Should I wipe you or feed you".

Oh, that woman is so cold
She won’t cut me any slack,
Slipping Ben Franklin from my wallet
Whenever I turn my back,
But what can I do
I’m disabled and weak,
I needed a good nurse
But, this one's a freak.

My mojo isn't working
On this devilish caregiver,
She's 'sposed to cook me good meals
Not, Friskies chopped liver,
Man, she's being paid
To do her nails and watch TV,
That's all she ever does
Instead of watching over me.

Now I'm fighting back
With old fashioned voodoo,
I slipped some black cat bone
And my John the conqueroo,
Into her sugar-free Pepsi
That she drinks all day long,
Pretty soon she'll be singing
The Billy Bob song.

Oh, Billy whatcha need
My attention is all yours,
Baby, grab me a Heineken
And wheel me out doors,
Rub my feet and my back
Then cook me a good dinner,
She'll say, "Bless you, Sir BB
Thanks for saving this sinner".

Nepotic Leaders

This is a fine bit of nonsense that morphs into another look at: questionable leadership...........or lack thereof.

The Family Kara-Hiri

There be Sister Euphemia
And Auntie Euthenasia,
The younger Eugenics
And Father Dysplasia,
A motley crew
With skills beyond measure,
They can lead you from oblivion
And guide you to the treasure.

An odd, assorted team
If there ever was,
How they manage to work together
Somehow, just because,
No one ever seems to know
What this bunch will do next,
They never use Facebook
And hardly ever text.

Throwbacks to an earlier age
Before our nascent technology,
Darwinian survivalists
Of primordial biology,
How they survived to this day
Is anyone's guess,
As leaders of mayhem
They barely even stress. 

They run the ship
We hold the oars,
We're whipped if we argue
They keep all the scores,
Every day they're competing
Bonus dollars, on the line,
Peons can't touch that
We are wrapped up in twine.

Nepotism at its best
Survives because they score the test,
Stack the cards, prime the deck
They jump ship first
Should we ever wreck.

The blame always falls
On the workers at the bottom,
Each of one of us musing;
When had the chance
We should have shot'em, 
So you better have a backup plan
Just what I'm saying, Dearie,
Considering the business plan
With the family Kara-Hiri.

Never Embarrassed

After a while, particularly if you worked in an Adult ICU, every situation that might be classified as embarrassing, has come and gone. That's in regard to the patient's, in their time of dire need. Therefore, how can I possibly be embarrassed about some dumb little thing, having to do with everyday living?

I am never embarrassed
And I'll tell you why,
I have seen everything
That can make a person cry,
In the course of three decades
Of this Nursing career,
Regarding comfort and privacy
As I stood at the rear.

I will never forget
The crap blasting farts,
The cratering wounds
Like infected cream tarts,
The abdominal ascites
With a peritoneal fountain,
The blubberous bulk
Of a humanoid mountain.

You might call me insensitive
And there, you'd be wrong,
We closed all the curtains
And sang the same song,
Of comfort and care
To our suffering clients,
Along with warm blankets
The Gold Standard of science.

So, can I be embarrassed?
Not after what I have seen,
What I have smelled, touched and tasted
To get everyone clean.

5/1/15