I had to fit sex into a poem somehow and I was pondering how just maybe, this most common human experience could be harnessed for the good of the practice of medicine. After all, there are some Cardiology stress tests that require chemical administrations, such as Dobutamine, to induce tachycardia and the sympathetic response. Why not simplify matters and just have the patient open up a Penthouse magazine or watch a sexy movie? So I propose the:

Provocative Resting Test : (S.EX. - Stimulated Exercise)

There's a promising procedure
That we have now, in the lab,
It may prevent your stable patient
From landing on the slab,
It works for men and women
It isn't age-specific,
In multi-center trials
The results have been terrific.

Not everyone is suited
To test this brand new science,
It's completely non-invasive
And requires no appliance,
You just need an open mind
And a good imagination,
To achieve the best results
Exceeding threshold excitation.

Be ye literate or not
It's an adjustable modality,
Conforming to your needs
And your type of personality,
We perform it in a setting
Of privacy and trust,
Should you realize your potential
Of experiencing lust.

It's so simple to perform
It's a wonder why we've waited,
When a number of our tests
Are simply too outdated,
A resting and continuous
12 lead EKG,
With non-invasive pressures
Are the keys, to what you'll see.

Position is not important
Unless deformity demands,
Comfortable fitting clothing
That readily expands,
To accommodate prodromal
Characteristics of reflex,
Because the objective of the treatment
Is to have the client think of sex.

A library of literature
With a thousand paperbacks,
Cheap pulp novels
And folio's of facts,
Adult rated video's
And romantic, loving works,
Twisted, murky monographs
To accommodate all quirks.

Unlike pharmacology
The side effects are nil,
No FDA approval
To regulate a pill,
It's an absolutely normal
Response of excitation,
And so easy to elicit
With an active imagination.

The specialist stands by
To monitor events,
Record the vital data
In this scene of present tense,
Ischemic abnormalities
Or a dysrhythmia display,
Will guide the future treatment
In the usual kind of way.

So you see, it’s fairly easy
After a minor evaluation,
To identify specifically
A target population,
And in the acute hospital setting
We should offer them the best,
So familiarize yourself
With the provocative resting test.

Fibril_late; 9/93