Monday, July 24, 2017

Weight a Minute

A two hour battle post-anesthesia, takes a lot out of me these days. Thirty years ago, no sweat; I was ready to take on Bluto, for 3 more rounds. Except, well there was the incident when Father Time kicked me in the head and caused a concussion.
Now, about last Friday............

When Bennie the Bruiser
Awoke from his surgery,
He immediately acted out
With assault and perjury,
Whereas, before
He was a mellow, young guy,
He’s Godzilla, on the fly.

It wouldn't be so bad
But he's barely breathing,
Then suddenly gasping
Swearing and seething,
Plus, Bennie is big
Topping two-forty pounds,
If I was Mike Tyson
We might go seven rounds.

Oxygen saturation
Just seventy-five,
Gasping and wheezing
When his parents arrive,
To stand by the bedside
Try to settle him down,
Yep, Bennie the Bruiser
Is a meth-user clown.

Little by little
Maybe he's improving,
Gets some gas up his nose
He's resting, not moving,
Now, it's my turn to bother
Removing Femoral sheaths,
Oops, awakened the demon
Now I’m dodging his teeth.

Four people at the bedside
Trying to control,
As this monster of ceremonies
Takes us for a roll,
Bucking like a bronco
While I prevent bleeding,
Thinking dangerous thoughts
Regarding children and breeding.

At the hour marker
I was proclaimed the victor,
An epic battle it was
With a Boa Constrictor,
Yea, I expect a statue
To be erected in my name,
Constantine the Conqueror
Will just add to my fame

Sunday, July 02, 2017

Vitamin Scarapy

Sometimes when the patient talks, I just stand there and wonder what the heck have they been smoking? Astounding stories of non-compliance, and the predictable outcomes, that prove a total lack of common sense.

I chose the vitamin cure
For my viral cardiomyopathy,
According to Betty Lou
Guaranteed by some expert of psychopathy.

See, those pills and potions
Prescribed by the Cardiologist back then,
Made me feel so lousy
I stopped taking them when,
I heard about the vitamins
Promoted by Chiropractor Jerry,
Plus, I read about it on the internet
Carnitine, and dust from a fairy.

Sure enough, I got better
My ejection fraction came up to fifty,
I rolled along on my merry way
Never saw another doctor, Tom Swifty,
Until just last week
I became short of breath,
Tried Flonase for a week
Until I began to feel like death,
Finally went to the hospital
Emergency room,
Ejection fraction 30 percent
3+  to 4+ Mitral Regurge
Vitamin therapy, badda-boom!

At age 64
She did luck out,
Normal coronary arteries,
That's worth a shout,
While husband/daddy/child
Sitting at the bedside with the Yorky dog,
Seemed to be in support of all this nonsense
Like a frog on a log.

She said, she likes the Cardiologist
(as long she approves what he's doing),
I wonder if he knows about the vitamins
And whatever she's smoking and chewing,
Because, I wouldn't cover any bets
On her likelihood, of compliance,
After all, she made up her own mind
In stubborn anti-medical defiance.

I asked about her career
She claimed she was a Nutritional Coach,
Good heavens, I wonder what she has been teaching?
Not likely, the scientific approach,
Yep, those vitamins for Cardiomyopathy
Read about them on WebMed dot tv,
Where you can trust a Hollywood star
To say what's best for you and me.

Someone Dies

Here's a pointer; know where your IV lines are going, know if that vein is functional and patent, and know exactly what drug is in your hand and in that line.............before you add anything new. When you have the time, I.D. those lines.

When you’re reaching for the Lidocaine
The Epi or the Atropine,
The Propane or the Methane
Or maybe even Gasoline,
The Wheaties or the Captain Crunch
The chocolate cupcakes for your lunch.

Be sure you check your vital signs
And ensure the patency of lines,
Because in the midst of great surprise
If you’re not careful, someone dies.

Frisky Fireman

A cure for one kind of depression; or, where there's smoke, there might be a fireman to the rescue.

Just Call 9-1-1

I’m alive, I can’t believe it
I had given up to die,
I’d arranged to kick the frame today
No one cared to ask me why,
I have lived a long eventful life
But foresaw a painful death,
Then I was boldly interrupted
When I took my final breath.

A local family member
Discovered I was prone,
He heard me fall upon the floor
And thought he heard me moan,
In truth, I was rejoicing
It was time for me to run,
Well, then that sucker saved me
He dialed 9-1-1.

A gorgeous hunk of Fireman
Drove right up to my door,
Assessed the situation
And figured he could score,
Attached me to a monitor
Announcing an arrest,
Resuscitated me, Oh Lord
With massage upon my breast.

Aroused I was, and more alive
Than I had been in years,
I clutched that fellow to my chest
And nibbled on his ears,
He had a fancy uniform
That I quickly slashed and ripped,
It was barely thirty seconds
Till that Fireman was stripped.

My cardiac arrest
Was instantly converted,
When the fellow aimed his hose at me
Cut loose and really squirted,
I bounded to my feet
Feeling totally renewed,
I’m going to tell my aging lady friends
That they should all get screwed.

Well, I’ve changed my way of thinking
I’m no longer so depressed,
When I need a little excitement
At first, I get undressed,
Then, with a helpless cry
I dial 9-1-1,
My Fireman comes quickly
And boy, we have some fun.


I just want a kiss, that's all. That's not asking too much.

You might say I’m isolationist
I have chickenpox and measles,
I keep bubonic squirrels as pets
And rabid wild weasels,
So why not snuggle up to me
And see if you’re courageous,
I just want a little kiss, please
I doubt if I’m contagious.