Saturday, January 27, 2018

Candidly Speaking

In my current job position, death does not occur in our unit. We rarely ever call the "Code Blue". Occasionally, we call a "Rapid Response", primarily to get a little help, for the problem that is already known to us. But, the discussion of death, never comes up in our outpatient conversations. My past tours of employment included a heck of a lot of death, so I have played on both teams.

I try to be, often,
But in my line of work
I don't talk about the coffin,
Down the hall in the closet
It is ready for you,
If I can be perfectly candid
Your time is almost due.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Hip Hop Nurses

After seeing an advertisement for the upcoming Grammy awards, naturally I thought "what would a Hip Hop nurse do"? Just use your imagination.

If Nurses were Hip Hop stars
We would take it up a notch,
I could give you your Norco
While grabbing my crotch,
Other nurses are my homey's
Just working in this crib,
We talk with hand gestures
Hip Hop lingo, ad lib.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Vacation, Staycation..........Flucation

Newsflash! If you are harboring any ideas of visiting California about now, DON'T!
We're all infected with the big, bad Flu. That includes all hospital workers too. This year, it surely doesn't matter if you had a Flu shot or not, you will still get sick, albeit less likely to die, if you did accept the needle. Don't get me wrong, I am a staunch supporter of vaccinations, in effect, believing it to be a moral imperative that health-care workers be required to be vaccinated. However, that's for the ACLU to sort out, I guess.

Let me tell you how it was,
Everyone I know was sick
And the research says, because,
Just breathing is enough
To share the evil virus,
And what you get is worse than any
Song by Miley Cyrus.

In my case, I suffered
24 hours of severe pain,
In every joint and ligament
From my ankles to my brain,
One simple short term fever
That was it, and I am happy,
Everyone else I know
Was in a crisis feeling crappy.

The death rate climbs each week
Healthy people dropping like flies,
Don't even visit the hospital
Death is in the air, oh, surprise!
It will catch you unawares
And tomorrow you'll be sick,
Call the mortuary now, my friend
You'll be heading there, right quick.

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Kind of Crazy

I went to the Dentist for a cleaning, and had the good fortune to be worked upon by Dental Dana (my favorite). Once again, it was another appointment that went south, very fast.

Dental Dana #65

Dental Dana
Might be crazy,
But that chick
Is never lazy,
Her tool control
Is so efficient,
In the Dental suite
She appears omnsicient.

I always get
A tingly rush,
When she uses
That laser scaling brush,
Abrading plaque
In my nether regions,
Bacterial legions.

How she knows
I don't understand,
But I follow each
And every command,
"Turn your head
Now, clench a little,
And do control
Your slimy spittle".

With words like that
I can't resist,
A subtle nudge
Upon her wrist,
Unnoticed, I think
Oh, not a chance,
She dropped that laser
Onto my pants.

That's her usual
Time to quit,
Stating, "We're done here
And do not spit"
But I'll come back
When she says it's okay,
For another round
Of hygienic play.

Monday, January 08, 2018

Crazy Wombats

The public, the client, the patient; come in all kinds of nice or crazy. Sure, they gotta be nervous about dire unknown outcomes and the like, but still, why not be friendly, pleasant and appreciative? After all, we're just trying to help.

They said over and over
"Now, please don't forget,
If you remember this thing
We will be in your debt".

And each time after that
They said it again,
It would have been better
On occasion, now and then.

If you will, tell the doctor
The nurses and the tech,
Uncle Bob has a problem
His kidneys are a wreck,
Please measure the contrast
As careful as can be;
I said, yes I will do that
It's important, I can see.

When Hector from Transport
Came into the room,
Aunt Mary looked at him
All dire and doom,
And once again launched
The tale of the kidney,
Like a crazy old wombat
Down Under, from Sidney.

Later on, after
Man, they wanted to book,
Uncle Bob and Mary
They just had that look,
Like coming down here
Was all a mistake,
A couple Wombats from Sidney
That stepped on a snake.

We bend over backwards
Primp and placate,
Give them sausage and capers
On porcelain plate,
But some of them leave
Good behavior at home,
Instead of proper manners
They spray crazy foam.

Sunday, January 07, 2018


December came and went without a blog entry; despicable! I really was distracted. Even I am shocked with my laziness. I woke up 3 days ago and took stock of things at work, and I was once again impressed with the way some things have not changed from the day I started working there, 10 years ago.
Many of those items I have already written about, and surely, I will do again.
This poem shall launch another year of the Chronicles of the Underside of Nursing.

Another lapse in writing son?
From drudgery, or too much fun?
I suspect the former, not the latter
Because drudgery, is no mad hatter.

New Year arrives, how does it feel?
Exactly like the same old deal,
The usual drama, changes not
With the same ingredients in the pot.

We're not unique
I know that, sure,
There are toxic behaviors
That have no cure,
Unless radical surgery
Is executed,
Nothing will change;
'Tis Undisputed.

It's a New Year Editorial

Something new under the sun! Ok, I know, we're probably behind the times a bit, but the usual suspects have been bitten by the "Unit Practice Committee" bug. After all, we belong to a big healthcare entity that wants to be a highly recognized player on a national level, and by golly, let's pretend that we care about the professionalism of our Nurses. And with our big BRAND advertising expense account, apparently they’re willing to pay overtime for industrious nurses, to join a committee and try to make changes. Of course, we will always implement  evidence-based-care and all the ideas we come up with, will be facilitated, acquisitioned, elucidated  and so on.
But seriously folks, there were two prime targets for runnin’ this thing, and #1 said “no” and pointed at #2………….ya, that’s me. Well, I figured what the heck, as long as #1 agrees to be my sidekick.

See, I do have a streak of idealism in me; there are a few things I that believe should be standards of practice in the unit that I work in. We look like an ordinary same-day-procedure unit, but we’re doing preparation and recoveries on highly complex patients, mostly Cardiac. Only half of our staff seem aware of that, but all of those future applicants, must understand the lay of the land when they arrive.

Well, I guess some folks think I have some leadership traits, and I talk like I know a couple things, so I been appointed and anointed as the committee Boss. There it is; in the autumn days of my career, I will pull the sword out of the stone, and look for a suitable target to aim that pointy thing at. Watch out!