Friday, May 29, 2015

Retirement


A long career in Nursing eventually leads to dinner-table talk, of old stories. We all have our favorites; some people telling tales, that suggest they were the "smartest" nurse at the time, perhaps showing a Medical Resident how to do something the right way. My stories usually describe some kind of gross or unusual circumstance, that I found to be sickly humorous.

Four old nurses
Sitting around a table,
Each of them states
Boy, I have a fable,
That you ought to hear
It's the craziest story,
Each nurse has
Their tale of glory.

How about the time
The 900 pound client,
Swore on a bible
"I'm sodium compliant",
I only eat pretzels
That my Momma makes,
It hurt her feelings
When I said no, to the cakes.

Oh, let me tell you
About the ascites fountain,
That fellow had a belly
Bigger than a mountain,
When his umbilical hernia
Popped open under pressure,
It sprayed me with the fluid
Oh, nothing is fresher.

Well, that made some giggles
But did you hear about Rob?
Billy-Bob Borko
Was one heck of a slob,
He sat on the commode
And when he stood up,
That commode bucket
Was one stuck cup,
On Billy-Bob's backside
And then it crashed to the floor,
The nasty, stinky liquid
Splashed all the way to the door,
Practically covering Rob
And he exclaimed, "Shit,
Someone, call Hazmat
See  you later, I QUIT".

Another favorite story
Was the disappearing man,
I met his nurse in the hallway
She said, "I'm looking for Stan",
He's been kind of confused
We can't find him anywhere,
He had a Posey vest on
But now he's not there.

I followed her to the room
The mattress was on the floor,
Stan, wasn't there
Did he run out the door?
No one has seen him
Should we call the Head Nurse?
Let's wait a little longer
Because who needs that curse?

Then we heard some muffled sounds
And that mattress did shake,
"Is this room haunted
Good lord, is that a snake",
Slithering beneath
The bedclothes on the floor,
With one look below -
There was Stan, looking sore.

He'd been thrashing and pulling
Then he mustered a lunge,
Over the rail he went
A swan-dive, a plunge,
Face down on the floor
With the mattress attached,
He appeared to be gone
But survived, yea, unscratched

We reassembled the package
And got him back in bed,
Assessed for broken bones
And bumps on his head,
He had no complaints
He just wanted to sleep,
"Sweet dreams, dear old Stan
Please don't make a peep".

And that's how the talk goes
With old nurses at the table,
Later on the, MaƮtre de'
Will lead us back to the stable.

5/29/15

3 comments:

OldfoolRN said...

My last post has 2 really unsavory old and foolish nurse stories. Check it out. I can't seem to stay away from your unique blog. It always brings a smile to my face.

Fibril_late said...

A Nurse friend of mine has 3 or 4 "Patio Parties" every year and usually there are a few of us who worked in the ICU together; we always find some time to unwind and tell our singular and shared stories of nonsense and mayhem.

Great stories!

OldfoolRN said...

Aging has brought me a new appreciation of foolishness and mayhem. Time and distance really brings a new perspective. Going to the dentist will never be the same after reading your Dana posts!