Sunday, December 27, 2015

Survival Decision


Obesity is an all gender issue. Luckily I don't suffer from it, nor do I know all of the causes, influences, treatments, solutions and so on. I just write about it as it affects my Nursing experience. This time I chose "he" instead of "her" to show my sensitive nature.

Survival Decision

At 5 foot 3
Three hundred seventy nine,
Even a hundred pound weight loss
Would be, right and fine,
But no, just the opposite
Since his previous visit,
He had gained another hundred
And wonders, why is it?
That he suffers hypertension
And diastolic dysfunction,
At 48 year old
He is at a crucial junction.

Moaning and groaning
And thick as a brick,
His weight is a death sentence
He needs to fix it right quick,
Because his lack of good health
Is a result of the weight,
Multi-organ dysfunction
Would like to schedule a date.

No diabetes
And no heart disease,
Pulmonary hypertension
Could kill him with a sneeze,
The cure is diet and exercise
And a stomach revision,
Survival is an option
But awaits his decision.

12/27/15

Saturday, December 19, 2015

A Blogger and a Clogger


Nursing can be bloody, messy work. Oh, ya, because that's part and parcel, to some area's of the trade. Paramedics, EMT's, operating rooms and all the rest.................there is blood coming out. I'm not grossed out, or frightened, and yes, I see dead people. But, I am never cavalier about it. I'm careful and cautious...............afterall, I'm a Clogger by trade.


First I was a Nurse
And then became a blogger,
In the course of a work day
I'm an expert vessel clogger.

Folks come to us for recovery
After artery and vein poking,
When those same patients see what we remove?
They know we're not joking,
Regarding bleeding and bruises
And horrid hematoma's,
Still some will go home
Like they were in a deep coma,
Hence, they ride the motorcycle tomorrow
Up the highway to Kingvale,
Stop for gas, and fall down
Dusky and pale,
Because they didn't notice
The fifty mile groin bleed,
There's no cure for stupidity
When it comes to riding that Harley steed.

We try not to make them worry
No, it's better to be wary,
99% won't bleed
It's the 1% that's scary,
Because usually, that's Billy Bob
Doing what he does best,
Compliant taking the blood thinner
Stupid about the all the rest.

If Nurses were compensated like Hedge Fund Managers


Not long ago there was an article / video circulating the outernet titled, "If Restaurants Were Run Like Healthcare". Also, in 2005, there was the catchy fable titled, "If Disney Ran Your Hospital". To me, it was just more management hype regarding the purported inefficiencies of the worker people, how we are dragging down profits and operating in a milieu of chaos.

But what if workers, were treated like the benevolent and caring Royalty, that they are?

NurseMart


If only we were in business
Like the local grocery store,
We'd earn a flat percentage
For every pill and chore,
Every spoken word of teaching
Every gesture of compassion,
There'd be seasonal variations
Like the latest winter fashions.

For special big events
There could be a bonus format,
It would beat the present system
Where we're treated like a doormat,
For example, we could compensate
Events like CPR,
If you succeed, and bring'em back
You win the big cigar.

Your patient was combative
He tried to stab the candy-striper,
She’s the daughter of the CEO
You win the keys to his Dodge Viper,
Or you work an extra night shift
Like it’s really no big deal,
Seven patients with infections
Every one with difficele,
By morning you’re exhausted
And finally feeling old,
Your boss comes in, says, “Way to go”
And hands you coins of gold.
  
There would be no nursing shortage
If these silly thoughts were true,
Pay us like celebrities
It’s long way overdue!

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Dental Dana 44


If you have to visit your Dentist for the usual nonsense, do be careful that the Dental Hygienist isn't a freakazoid, I'm just saying.

Dental Dana
Freaked me out,
I was relaxed
When she began to shout,
It bothered me
'Cuz she told me not to fidget,
But now she's screaming
To stop biting her digit.

Dental Dana
Smacked my molar,
Like a flailing
Holy roller,
With dental lances
Pointed my way,
This was worse
Than our usual fray.

I got the message
And opened my jaw,
Dana's finger
Was chewed and raw,
I told her
I was really sorry,
She screamed, "I'll sue you
And buy a Ferrari".

Thinking quickly
What could I say?
To placate this demon
And be on my way,
Cheerily, I gushed
"That's a helluva ride",
A defining conveyance
For Beelzebub's bride.

Dental Dana
Gave me the evil eye,
I apologized profusely
(Praying, I wouldn't die),
She chased me out the door
Wielding her mondo pick,
Oh, Dental Dana
She's one freaky chick.

12/9/15

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Spinning Jenny


Dizzyness, vertigo, room spinning, eyes twitching..........all of that stuff is miserable. Would a person be willing to endure that for 5 hours, just to convert their Atrial Fib to a normal rhythm (instead of opting for an electrical cardioversion)? Let's find out:

A 1200 milligram overdose
Completely unintentional
Because I'm not one of those,
Miserable creatures
Who want to pull out the plug,
No, my doctor put me up to it
A double dose of the drug.

Pill in the pocket
Is a go-to solution,
Rythmol or Flecainide
When you need absolution,
From that demon condition
Known as A. Fib,
A runaway heart
Beating ad-lib.

The usual dose?
A six hundred popper,
Plus twenty-five of Lopressor
That combo is a stopper,
It always worked before
17 times at least,
Why not today?
I don't know, ask the beast.

Four hours later
The word from Dr. C.
Take a double dose
Was his advice for me,
I was willing to try
After all, he's the boss,
But now I am overdosed
I feel like bearded moss.

OK, I admit
The A. Fib did stop,
But I got so dizzy
My brain took a flop,
And this happened at work
Late afternoon,
A worthless worker on the job
In the corner, in a swoon.

A cautionary tale
If there ever was one,
A colossal dose of Rythmol
It sure isn't fun,
But I'll double down
On my brother's flying jib,
An overdose of Rythmol
Is way better than A. Fib.

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

We're No Different

As Nurses, we're no different than our patients; we too have physical diseases and infirmities. Jackson Hole has a pacemaker, I have an arrhythmia now and then,
Stephan has Diabetes, and Vanessa turns her head Left, and has vertigo. I think that when we share these kind of things with our clients, and describe how we cope, it can help allay anxiety and worry. But in the meantime, we have to watch our coworkers carefully, too.

Vere to Go?

When she stands upright
And turns her head Left,
There's a nerve getting pinched
In the Subclavian cleft,
Sends a signal to her brain
Relax........everything's cool,
Her brain spins counter-clockwise
Like a whirling-dervish fool.

Weak at the knees
She might fall down,
Her GPS isn't working
In topsy-turvy town,
Bystanders gape
And start placing bets,
Will she pass out this time
Or just have the sweats?

Vere to go next?
Her doctors are confused,
Vertigo Vanessa
Is feeling abused,
She visits 4 doctors
Has CATscans and more,
No answers are found yet
It's a bothersome chore.

Spectators applaud
Vanessa remained standing,
Feeling somewhat better
Without a hard landing,
Stop turning your head
Is the general consensus,
Cuz whenever you do that
We get apprehensus.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

I'm Sorry


A lot of people are hard of hearing, or half deaf, or hear ringing all the time, which distorts their listening skills. So, it's no wonder there are misunderstandings now and then. When I have a conversation with someone, and the words seem garbled, or I just didn't hear them correctly, I don't ever offer this response; "I'm sorry?". Instead, I usually ask them to repeat what they said. I might just say: "Say, again?"

The thing is, when I am talking to someone, and suddenly they say, "I'm sorry?"............I don't know what in the heck they are apologizing for. I might stop right there and say to them, "What are you sorry about; did you do something wrong"?

Anyway, it's all just a misunderstanding.

She came into the room and said
It's time for your Cath,
I could have sworn she said
Time for my bath,
So I threw off my clothes
And waited in Limbo,
She flounced out of the room saying,
I'm your Nurse, not a bimbo.

I always blame it on
The ringing in my ears,
I did not hear you right
That's all it is, dears,
So, get off your high horse
And give me that bath,
Then I'll be squeaky clean
When it's time for my Cath.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Listening Lunacy


I can't help it, I act a little crazy when I hear certain dialogues or manners of speech, that just don't make sense. Like those scripted things we are urged to say to patients and their families. "Would you like Fries with your Heart Cath, sir? Or that stupidest of concepts called "Active Listening". Anyway, I was at a class a couple weeks ago, and the Instructor ended almost every single teaching sentence with the adjoiner; "Does that make sense?" Holy frickin grammar monster! That lingo makes me want to run out of the room screaming..............ieqiestiaeint. Something unintelible like that anyway. So, once again, I have to address the issue in my own way.

She said it 29 times
Does that make sense?
I think she owes me recompense,
For ending each sentence
With that stupid refrain,
Does that make sense?
Is a toxin to my brain.

She said it 29 times
That doesn't make sense,
If I poison her tea
I have a good defense,
Because her repetitive uttering
That sentence ending query,
Does that make sense?
Not in Londonderry.

They might lock me up
And throw away the key,
It doesn't really matter
Or even bother me,
If I should never hear again
Does that make sense?
I'll be a happy man
Behind a prison fence.


Wednesday, October 28, 2015

After His Death

This is a new writing about an old event. Grieving can take on some bizarre practices. We nurses have heard wailing, moaning, crying, speaking in tongues, shrieking and all kinds of unusual requests, to take place at the bedside. To me, this was the pinnacle of a real freakout! These survivors were kneeling on the floor and bashing their heads on the linoleum! Also, they were shrieking and wailing. Look folks, this might be Ok at home or at the Funeral Parlor, but there is no frickin way that it is suitable in the Hospital. Yikes!

After he died
The congregation shrieked,
We were forced to close the door
So no one else freaked,
And we had to offer blankets
For those mourners wailing and keening,
And towels for their heads
Bashing them on the floor
Some sort of sacrificial beaning. 

This went on for three hours
But, folks this is the ICU,
There are other still alive patients in the E.D.
Who are dying for a room with a view,
So wIth tact, finesse and mercy
We had to carefully coax the grieving,
To get the heck out of our Unit
‘Twas high time they were leaving.

Even in our wide mouth American melting pot
Some grieving practices are weirder than snot,
And perhaps, would be better practiced at home
If you want to bang your head, flinging spittle and foam.


Saturday, September 26, 2015

Death of the Deadly

I haven't touched on the subject of death for a while, because I am not working in that arena any longer. Sure, people keep dying, but not in my Unit. However, the memories never go away. Here, I am contemplating a role I felt I played in the past; The one who handed off a soul to the Grim Reaper, for the journey down below.

We see disparity
And we witness pain,
I've treated a broken heart
And hemorrhaged brain,
I have administered to evil
Murderers, and more,
And still applied compassion
Because that is our chore,
Not to single out anyone
In the course of our care,
Every patient is an equal
So, let's not go there............

Until the Rigor Mortis
Is about to set in,
When the Grim Reaper
Stands, to reckon the sin,
Perpetrated, by Billy-Bob
In his moments of violence,
When nobody listened
Or penetrated the silence,
Until now, the great chasm
That he must cross, on his journey,
There is no chance in Hell
That he will beat this attorney.

As the appointed Nurse
I do stand by,
Grim Reaper awaits
For permission to fly,
Taking his charge
For the Karmic obligation,
"Billy Bob, I cast you out
For a Hellish vacation!"

9/15

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Meandering Mind

Look, I'm not the go-to guy for solace and hugs; we all have our area's of expertise, and that is clearly my area of avoidance. You want technical know-how, and obscure scientific facts, that's what I have to offer.

I write more, when I'm stressed
Definitely not when I'm caressed,
And forget all the hugs
I'm not that kind of guy,
Find Linda or Lynn
If someone's about to cry.

Maybe names that begin with L
Can handle the tears that come pell-mell,
Surging from the eyes
A cataclysmal drenching,
Gnashing of teeth and
Primordial fist clenching.

That's when I drift away
It just isn't my thing,
I'd rather just shock you
200 Joules, bada-bing,
Plus a sensible dose
Of the milk of forgetful,
Whatever was the bother
You won't be regretful.

So reader, you see
I meander about,
When work stresses bother
I will not fight or shout,
But rather make words
Build a story or fable,
And with the right glass of wine
I am most certainly able.

9/12/15

Tsk, Tsk


When a force of nature
Meets a natural force,
There's no way to predict
The path or the course,
One can guess at the outcome
And calculate risks,
But when injury happens
Expect a lot of tsk, tsks.

Managers offer
Platitudes of blame,
"Well, you shoulda had more help
Now you're hurt, what a shame,
But really, you're the one
The cause of your disability",
Just talking to Momma?
An endeavor of futility.

Thus, we soldier on
Every day we are tested,
If a patient assaults me
Can I have him arrested?,
Not if he's confused
The result of anesthesia,
I got lucky once again
No acquired paraplegia.

9/12/15

No Heavy Lifting


No lifting more than ten pounds, no squatting, stair climbing and definitely, no ladders. Sounds sensible, doesn't it? Look, it is well known that I don't want to do discharge phone calls. Instead, here's how the day panned out.

A. Prep 3 patients for procedures. (1 to 1.5 hours each)
B. Receive 2 transfers, and prepare them for procedures. (1 to 1.5 hours each)
C. Handle 2 Recoveries (2-3 hours each)
D. Find time for Lunch + 2 breaks
E. Participate in a Mini Code Blue.
D. Document at least an hour on the day.
F. Start 2 IV's (patient reporting, "you better be good"...), do 3 EKG's, Assess Transfer IV sites, wounds, skin, communicate with families, provide an hour of in-depth Cardiac teaching during the shift. Answer 20 phone calls, Page 5 Doctors, and cover other Nurses for their breaks.

Actually, I didn't do the break-relief very well, as I was too flippin' busy. That meant I forgot to give Betty Lou an aspirin for a headache, and forgot to call Mr. Fonebone's daughter to come pick him up. When those Nurses returned from break, I just had to give my lame excuse of failure.

The Elephant in the Corner?; We are perpetually understaffed.
(Two lucky staff members were allowed the day off)..........however, our work load did not suggest that to be a sensible choice.

It is only the true depth of experience and moral fortitude that our team contains, that keeps our patient's safe and alive.

Thursday, September 03, 2015

Shipping Out


Some say that injuries happen when we are fatigued, or just burned out; ther e is some truth in that, but in general (majority) it just isn't so. Our patient's are just too flippin' large and combative. That's it................simple.

They will wonder why I burned
When I never complained,
It's a result of my philosophy
As a High Duke from Spain,
I work for my subjects
I won't quit, if they suffer,
Hence, I never do argue
As a servant, I am tougher;

Than the ones that I work with
Because my philosphy rules,
I'm a servant to my constituents
Their demands, are my tools,
To apply my special talents
And satisfy their needs.
Get them home safely
And nobody bleeds.

The house is on fire?
I run into the middle,
The Demon is smoking
And playing his fiddle,
But I know the melody
Though I didn't write the song,
The demon is a wimp
Soon to be running along.

Frankly, I'm just a member
Of one awesome team,
We understand the wind
And the flow of the stream,
We might not be the Captains
But only in name,
Without us, this ship
Would have no claim to fame.

9/2/15

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Pray-ers


I respect prayer
But I want it to be silent,
You may not like my prayer
And you become violent...............

Look, I was brought up in a Catholic family and my Auntie was a real Nun (and 2 of her cousins, also). And when it was time to perform real, focused and God directed prayers, they was done silently. So, that's why I'm so secretive.

I moved passed religion
I said every prayer,
I know about Gods
But I don't really care,
Because I did arrive here
In the usual way,
My parents got together
Back in their day.

I practiced their training
As much as I could,
Tried to make the best decisions
Just like they said I should,
And whether some god
Had a hand in it, who knows?
The world will keep turning
Because that's the way it goes.

A lot of "God, bless you's"
Are heard where I work,
We were once a Nun hospital
So, perhaps that's a perk,
But I never say it
I don't want to offend,
I might choose the wrong God
And the blessings might end.

Or maybe the client
Thinks the way that I do,
And along comes Brother Jo
Saying, Bless, Betty Boo,
Perhaps Betty is offended
Or embarrassed, to boot,
She has an allergic reaction
To this religious recruit.

I think we need to be careful
Regarding this issue,
Stop throwing prayers
When they reach for a tissue,
Pause for a moment
And ask for permission,
Perhaps a better idea?
Let's call a magician.

9/2/15

One Punch


For the most part, we don't have much trouble with out-of-control patients. It's not like we call a "Code Gray" for help, when a patient who had General Anesthesia has an adverse reaction, and struggles as he wakes up. However, one can not minimize the inherent danger to the Nurse or Doctor at the bedside. If the patient is a colossus that is six foot nine tall and weighs 410 pounds, believe me, this guy could kill with one punch. Comforting, isn't it?

Mo, didn't wake up well
After anesthesia,
I hope he didn't give me
Paraplegia,
Because my back hurts
Below my Lumbar,
Bothersome discomfort
Down my legs too far.

He was flailing and thrashing
Weighing two twenty two,
Both groins were bleeding
And what must I do,
To protect him for safety
After all, that's my job,
Let the dude bleed out?
Not this Billy-Bob.

The nurse is the one
Who walks away lamed,
Was I too aggressive?
If so, I'll be blamed,
But we had to protect him
With each wild gyration,
I could be sued
For exsanguination.

Pain down my legs
Paresthesia to my shins,
Let me explain
Numbness, needles and pins,
An unexplained coolness
And episodes of weakness,
I ain't horsing around...........
I'm not ready for the Preakness.

I'm off tomorrow
But, I'm calling this in,
Fill out the paperwork
For the Workmans Comp sin,
An Employee Health visit
And a scowling Manager,
They'll be talking and twittering
Like bright feathered Tanagers.

It was bound to happen
With the patient's we see,
Last week was a record
Four hundred and three
Pounds that is, at 6 foot nine,
He fought us, too
Now, isn't that fine?

Two good Nurses
Could have died,
One punch from that one
I would have flied,
Across the room
And out the door,
And the boss might comment -
Your hours don't score

Well, how about that?
Concerned, not a chance,
We're not doing enough
Billing hours, rule the dance,
And the party may be over
For this dedicated Nurse,
He worked as hard as the best
And for that, he was cursed.

9/1/15

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Nurse 32


After a crazy, stressful and whacky week, filled with too many Recoveries and 3 nights of overtime, I just have to unwind and write my own craziness.

Nurse 32

I've been a nurse for 32 years
Working, in-hospital for thirty-seven,
Some say to me, "You must love it"
Well I do, but it's not really Heaven,
I enjoy the goodness that I can do
To the people, who are really in need,
But for all those flippin' malingerers
The ones from the toxic seed?

They are the few, that test us all
The whacky, the crazy, the violent,
We must wear our happy face
Duck the fists and keeping silent,
Because now we must pay attention
To the almighty Satisfaction scores,
The 3-day departure, little phone calls
Where they scream and declare
You're all whores,
Not realizing that Betty-Boo nurse
Had no connection to Dr. Z's mistake,
While Betty-Boo's call will be audited
And her Manager, will give her a shake.

Oh, I can hardly wait to go
On the Hot Diggity dawg retreat,
I'm hoping and praying they bother
To have something good to eat,
Because I have noticed the goodies
When the visiting Dignitaries call,
They get the best catered food
That's what I'm say, that's all.

8/28/15

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Happy Whack Job


I think I had 7 patients today. It only took one to make me go postal........too bad three of them were either confrontational, argumentative and angry, and the family chipped in. Here's the winner:

Happy Whack Job

A 12 hour routine
Day in and day out,
What could be so different
To make me scream or shout?,
The particular kind of patient
Confrontational and demanding,
Where reason and logic
Have no place of understanding.

Consider this Billy Bob
3 days in our palace,
Drove himself to the hospital
With nine K dollars in his valise,
Don’t ask me why
I’d never believe it,
But in the midst of his Recovery,
He says he has to go retrieve it.

I’m telling him, “No
I will just call the Nurse,
Up on floor three
And he begins to curse,
Never telling me why
He said, “Only I can do it”
He’s getting whacky and crazy
So I said, “just screw it”;
Go ahead, go upstairs
Let me show you the elevator,
He marches off
Like one hot potater,
With his spouse at his side
And a bounce in his step,
He returned pretty soon
With his own nursing rep,
She took me aside
And told me about the money,
About 9 thousand dollars
That’s why he's acting so funny,
He wouldn’t put it in the safe
No, we had to lock it in the Med-room,
And now he’s holding his black valise
At his side in his bedroom,
Along with his Mac computer
And his jaunty baseball cap,
This 73 year old whack job
Is one happy chap.


8/26/15

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

In Their Place


Too busy, along with being understaffed. Now, in the past, where I came from.......If I had an ICU patient, that went out for a surgical procedure, this patient would come back to me after Recovery, and then, if he were to be downgraded, I would send him off to Telemetry, or such. Today, I received two people (from MICU and CSICU), who had a new Pacemaker insert, for their "one hour Anesthesia recovery". However, now they were going to be downgraded to Telemetry, and thus, I was not sending them back to their ICU. Well, that sucks, 'cuz, one of them ended up staying 5 hours in my Unit, waiting for the next bed and nurse. The other guy, I had to remove the Temporary Pacer, the Swan Ganz and the Arterial line, all of which had been in place for 3 days. These are not the typical duties of your General Anesthesia Recovery nurse, who at this time, has 3 patients, (one of them being the other ICU patient). My buddy was picking up a new Ablation case (general anesthesia); a guy that was leaping all over the bed, with 5 Femoral sheaths in place.........so my pal was out of the mix. Eventually, we each had 3 Recoveries a piece. Later, after lunch, I take the guy that is 410 Lbs, 6'9" tall, and had an A. Fib ablation. He has 4 Femoral sheaths in, and is flinging around, because his back / hip pain is off the charts!
Holy Bleeding Puncture, Batman! Pass me the Kerlix!

Hott Diggity, Dawg.

After nights like this
I need to empty my mind,
It was nothing like a kiss
No, 'twas a kick in the behind.

Two patients from ICU
Gone for Pacemaker
But not returning to that space,
Technically, I'm doing only
Anesthesia Recovery
But now some ICU duties, in their place,
Remove the Swan Ganz
The temporary Pacer, and the Art-line,
Do all of that stuff for CSICU
Hot damn they're happy, things are just fine,
Because TAVR Joe-Bob
Is finally off of their floor,
They have practically given his room away
The moment he departed the door.

"Me, I'm waiting so patiently
Lying here on the floor,
Just doing my jigsaw puzzle
Before it rains anymore*#.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


*#Rolling Stones
"Jigsaw Puzzle"
Album: Beggars Banquet - 1968

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Gut Feeling


Sorry, but I'm sorta stuck on this topic.

Gut Feeling

Gurgle Gut
Is such a bother,
I told my Mother
And my Father,
He whispered something
About stinky gas,
Mother said
Don't let it pass,
In the company
Of Nuns and Priests,
Unless they're sipping
Hops and yeasts.

Gurgle gut?
I received a call,
Number one daughter
Sometime last Fall,
Regaled me with
Her story, true,
Thank god it wasn't
Tic delarue,
But alas, 'twas something
Just as awful,
From the sugar syrup
On her waffle,
Tainted water
In the city Tangier,
A water born illness
No fun, poor dear.

I offered her solace
For her pain,
We discussed the tragic
Intestinal drain,
That can occur
When least desired,
Plus,  tips and tricks
When the gas has fired.

Not easy dealing
With this issue,
We should have invested
In toilet tissue,
Northern, Charmin
Or Kirklands best,
One million wipes
We've put to test.

Good healing salves
Are hard to find,
Herbal Savvy
The Comfrey kind,
Burts Bees foot creme
Protects and soothes,
Especialy in the
Hidden grooves.

What to do?
We continue to live,
Hoping that
Our friends forgive,
An occasional blast
Of  toxic gas,
Bursting from
Our sorry ass.

Gurgle gut
Is a major bummer,
It can put a crimp
On a fun-filled summer,
Carry extra undies
And soothing wipes,
If you accidently
Blow your pipes.

Advertisers
Have yet to address,
Specifically
The Gurgle gut mess,
They hide the details
In mumbo jumbo,
Regarding the dangers
Of Jalapeno gumbo.

A gurgling industry
Is just developing,
Soon to be
Completely enveloping,
An I-P-O
With investor options,
Rescue centers
For intestine adoptions.

Burnt sienna
Wristbands and hats,
Promotional bling
Baseballs and bats,
To gain support
And public attention,
To promote awareness
Regarding poo retention.

We gurgle guts
Are never full of shit,
That's the least
And most of it,
No, commonly
We go each day,
Three or four times
In a moderate way.

Three times a day
Is, way better,
Than once in 3 days
By the letter,
Constipation
I'd rather not have,
Although diarrhea
Requires more salve.

All in all
It's a disturbing condition,
And I've spent too much time
On this rendition,
But I just had to
Get it out,
Gurgle Gut
Deserves a shout.

8/21/15

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Arrhythmia.............again


After a 20 month rest, a return for another Cardioversion (#15); is that a record? Who knows........but we have a handle on that.

Back on Your Feet

It's two thousand fifteen
And Jake never quits,
He swears that A. Fib
Is way better than Zits,
"I get much better meds
When treatment is required,
I won't feel a damn thing
That's what I call, inspired".

A twenty month sojourn
Since his last visit here,
Not a whiff of arrhythmia
Till that one, ice-cold beer,
Sent his heart stuttering
On that hot stinkin' day,
And in the realm of A. Fib
To play, you must pay.

For rejuvenation
And dynamic publicity,
Spend an hour with us
We'll turn you on to electricity,
Delivered with gusto
With the milk of amnesia,
You'll be dreaming of angels
In French Polynesia.

For sure, your arrhythmia
Is a bother, at best,
A few trips to the E-R
For an EKG test,
Until finally you tasted
The fruits from our vines,
Electricity and Propofol
Are the best of all wines.

An Ablation or two
You can try, what the hay,
Sometimes it works
Just one time, one day,
But you are the winner
At cardioversion, fifteen,
We love you, dear Jake
If  you know what I mean.

You're a part of our family
We will never give up,
When you're feeling irregular
Please come, fill your cup,
On our high-octane juice
You'll feel better, right quick,
Give your A.Fib a taste
Of our pit-viper stick.

Today you presented
With a different thing,
Atrial Tachycardia
Fit for a King,
Easier to manage
With a miniscule zap,
Just 20 little joules
Like a mosquito tap.

But still, you did ask for
A shot of amnesia,
We give it freely
Whatever will please ya,
Because you are like family
We want you back on your feet,
For a good round of golf
Down at St. Pete's.

8/19/15

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Gurgling Gut


Irritable Bowel Syndrome, affects millions of people in the world. There are treatments and therapies, and causes and theories.............and bloating, cramping, Borborigmi and rumbling, and a great deal of unpredictable inconvenience for those suffering this crappy condition.

Here is Billy Bob's story:

BB's Thing

With gas and gurgle
In his gut,
Toxic fumes
Escaped his butt,
Don't stand behind him
Momma said,
That's BB's thing
He'll kill you dead.

Billy Bob will
Tell you why,
Moroccan muesli
And Danish rye,
Didn't cause it
No, dear daughter,
The problem was
I drank the water.

A grave mistake
But I was parched,
That mountain climb
We over marched,
And laughed about it
At the Inn,
I drank the water
That's my sin.

Now, seven years later
His gut rebels,
Unpredictable
Good lord, Hells bells,
When least expected
Like a cry of the loon,
That Moroccan beast
Nearly makes him swoon.

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Praying for Rain


This post is a follow-up to the one below. More junk going on................

Just one week later
Complications were worse,
A string of bad luck
In search of a curse,
An Aortic dissection
From the arch to the Iliac,
Thank goodness Mr. patient
Was not a hemophiliac.

Experts were consulted
Group worry was evidenced,
Just watching and waiting
Good advice, was dispensed,
Keep the blood pressure down
Diminish Aortic stress,
Then evaluate the cause
Who to blame for this mess.

The Doctor who did it?
Oh ya, he just left town,
At the end of the procedure
After he took off his gown,
Though he stopped by the room
To mumble his regrets,
Stating, an on-call physician
Will cover his bets.

I worried and fussed
Six hours of inspection,
Five sheaths to remove
During crisis detection,
Monitor vital signs
Assess pulses and pain,
Waiting for decisions
Like praying for rain.

To the Cardiac Unit
At seven pm,
I could finally relax
Now, it's up to them,
The Critical Intensivists
Will manage him there;
My tour of duty
Was a journey of care.

8/4/15

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Exceptions


It is well known that Catheter based procedures place the patient at a risk for bleeding, probably in the range of 3-7%. So of course, we the practitioners, do our darndest to minimize this. However, there are just too many variables that we can't control. And despite 37 years in health-care, I still get nervous and worried when patient's are bleeding.

Exceptions

I haven't written
In the absence of stress,
Then along came today
And Lordy, what a mess,
A complicated ablation
Her A-C-T too high,
Oozing and bleeding
I worry and sigh.

When the Doctors inform
Their delivery is brisk,
A 3 hour procedure
With a low percentage risk,
Go home the same day?
"No problem", he replied,
Leaving out the part
"Except, if you died".


7/21/15

Monday, June 29, 2015

Dental Dana 42



When Dental Dana
Has a day off,
I'll cancel an appointment
Complaining of a cough,
Or maybe she's having
Her Mercedes fixed,
That's another appointment
I have nixed.

My Dentist isn't thrilled
With my bait and switch,
Probly mumbling something like
That son of a bitch,
While grimacing with every
Unplanned rearrangement,
The whole darned office
Is planning my estrangement.

But I'm a paying customer
With a 3 month cleaning,
Though I suspect
They are pondering weaning,
Me out of the roster
And onto the street,
(No farewell party)
The contract is complete.

6/29/15

Monday, June 08, 2015

Bovine Binary


Administering to cows with heart disease
All long as they utter thank you and please.

6/8/15

Fistula


I haven't written a gross-out poem in a while, but I still have a flair for  it.

Poo & Pee
Got together inside,
Found themselves a fistula
What a crazy ride,
Poo said to Pee
"Geez, you're kind of runny",
Pee replied, "Dude,
You smell awful funny".

Together, they knew
They could cause a lot of trouble,
Let's get on with it
And do it on the double,
Poo and Pee figured
They only had a little time,  
Before someone found out
And put an end to their crime.

Poo and Pee
They made a pact,
God bless, our chance encounter
Now it's time to act,
Make a total mess of things
Inside our sorry host,
"And, after it's all over
Let's head to the coast".

6/8/15

Dental Dana 41


Deliciously dangerous............

Dental Dana
Fixed me up,
She's a little
Buttercup,
Flossed my tongue
She sliced it too,
Now it really
Hurts to chew.

Dental Dana
She's a Holy Roller,
She spoke in tongues
When she cracked my molar,
I felt the vibration
Into my brain,
I begged for another
Shot of Novocaine.

She said, Ok
And poked me in the thigh,
What the heck?
I don't know why,
Probably because
I'm so much trouble,
She said, "Don't complain
Or I'll make it a double".

As usual
Like every time we meet,
I left the office
In prickly heat,
Hot and bothered
Not feeling any pain,
Because Dental Dana
Is my Novocaine.

6/8/15

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Dental Dana 40


Dental Dana
That's her, over there,
She looks real good
Just sitting in a chair,
But when she turned sideways
The view was unbelievable,
I inhaled the mondo pick
And now it's unretrievable.

Coughing and sputtering
She hurried to my side,
Because it never looks good
If your patient has died,
But I wasn't dead yet
So she kindly observed,
When I tried to grab her
She skillfully swerved.

A stylish pirouette
Dental Dana a dancer?
I should have guessed it
This obvious answer,
Why, with all of my moves
I never seem to get close,
And with her blow-dart sedative
I always earn a double dose.

5/30/15

Friday, May 29, 2015

Retirement


A long career in Nursing eventually leads to dinner-table talk, of old stories. We all have our favorites; some people telling tales, that suggest they were the "smartest" nurse at the time, perhaps showing a Medical Resident how to do something the right way. My stories usually describe some kind of gross or unusual circumstance, that I found to be sickly humorous.

Four old nurses
Sitting around a table,
Each of them states
Boy, I have a fable,
That you ought to hear
It's the craziest story,
Each nurse has
Their tale of glory.

How about the time
The 900 pound client,
Swore on a bible
"I'm sodium compliant",
I only eat pretzels
That my Momma makes,
It hurt her feelings
When I said no, to the cakes.

Oh, let me tell you
About the ascites fountain,
That fellow had a belly
Bigger than a mountain,
When his umbilical hernia
Popped open under pressure,
It sprayed me with the fluid
Oh, nothing is fresher.

Well, that made some giggles
But did you hear about Rob?
Billy-Bob Borko
Was one heck of a slob,
He sat on the commode
And when he stood up,
That commode bucket
Was one stuck cup,
On Billy-Bob's backside
And then it crashed to the floor,
The nasty, stinky liquid
Splashed all the way to the door,
Practically covering Rob
And he exclaimed, "Shit,
Someone, call Hazmat
See  you later, I QUIT".

Another favorite story
Was the disappearing man,
I met his nurse in the hallway
She said, "I'm looking for Stan",
He's been kind of confused
We can't find him anywhere,
He had a Posey vest on
But now he's not there.

I followed her to the room
The mattress was on the floor,
Stan, wasn't there
Did he run out the door?
No one has seen him
Should we call the Head Nurse?
Let's wait a little longer
Because who needs that curse?

Then we heard some muffled sounds
And that mattress did shake,
"Is this room haunted
Good lord, is that a snake",
Slithering beneath
The bedclothes on the floor,
With one look below -
There was Stan, looking sore.

He'd been thrashing and pulling
Then he mustered a lunge,
Over the rail he went
A swan-dive, a plunge,
Face down on the floor
With the mattress attached,
He appeared to be gone
But survived, yea, unscratched

We reassembled the package
And got him back in bed,
Assessed for broken bones
And bumps on his head,
He had no complaints
He just wanted to sleep,
"Sweet dreams, dear old Stan
Please don't make a peep".

And that's how the talk goes
With old nurses at the table,
Later on the, MaƮtre de'
Will lead us back to the stable.

5/29/15

Dental Dana 39


Dental Dana 39 

Dental Dana
She's a hottie,
We went out to lunch
And shared a chapati,
I told her she was hot
Right to her face,
And then she sprayed me
With her mace.

She threatened me
Right in that booth,
Regarding a missing
Canine tooth,
And the crown to replace it
Sure, it could get lost,
And regardless,
I'd have to cover the cost.

Dental Dana
She's a wily one,
And that's what makes her
So much fun.

 5/29/15

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Smartphones, Ignorant Parents


This is not really about Nursing or Medicine, but instead a reminder regarding our lack of situational awareness (a result of our fascination with streamed entertainment).

I went to a coffee house this morning, and noticed 3 persons at a table. What looked to be a Mom and Dad and their son, of an estimate age of four. The parents each had a smartphone, with the whole of their attention on the device, effectually unaware of anything going on around them. The young fellow looked my way, as I walked past the table. The parents had zero attention for their son; a trajedy in of itself, and a lure to any wacko in the audience. How easy it would be to steal a purse, or even their child.

Telephone Charades

With mom and dad
On their telephone,
I'm just sitting here
All alone,
Watching strangers
At the coffee shop,
I'm completely ignored
By mom and pop.

Lots of others
In this place,
Hold a smartphone
Up to their face,
They are unaware
Of what is near,
I could be kidnapped
Or disappear.

Stranger man
He walks by,
We look at each other
Eye to eye,
He seems to notice
My mom and dad,
Faces tuned
To phone and pad.

He looks nice
And asks my name,
Just like Charades
I know that game,
We played it once
At Grandma's house,
He whispers to me
"Be quiet as a mouse".

We'll go outside
You won't be bad,
'Cause it's Ok
With mom and dad,
They are too busy
And you're alone,
They're more interested
In their telephone.

You can come back later
When we're done,
You'll tell them how
They missed our fun,
But for now
They just don't care,
The phone is more important
Than having you there.

They'll be excited
Yesiree,
Wondering what
You did with me,
But that's our secret
So, let's not tell,
Or mom and daddy
Will go to Hell.

You can show them
Your brand new toy,
I gave it to you
You're such a good boy,
Because that's what
Mom and daddy say,
Along with please and thank you
And have a nice day.
_ _ _ _ __ __

Sure, it's creepy; but so real is the danger we are inviting into our lives when we subjugate our awareness to outside distractions. For example: Driving the car using the cellphone; walking across a busy intersection looking at the cellphone, traversing the stairway in the hospital, using a cellphone; Driving the commuter train while texting on the cellphone; performing patient care, while looking at the cellphone..............danger is everywhere.

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Dental Dana 38

Trying to repair a tenuous relationship with a Dental Hygienist, has some risk. Perhaps I should review our historical reference...................or not?


Dental Dana
What's her gauge,
Measurements, diameter
I don't know her age,
I seek any advantage
To be leveraged
Towards my cause,
'Cuz I'm a serial offender
I've broken so many laws.

First, there was the time
When I said, she didn't do me,
That was so incredibly offensive
I thought she would glue me,
With my jaws tight shut
Not to eat for forty days,
And use that blue-light igniter
Set on maximum phase.

After that, I posed
That she was the bomb,
Better looking even
Than my Mom,
She said that was rude
And tasteless, to boot,
So she lanced me
Without Lidocaine,
To the nadir
Of a root.

If that wasn't enough
I mentioned the word Goddess,
How can I help it
If it rhymes the word bodice,
Referring to clothing
Low-cut, across the chest,
Heck, I'm just a writer
And she's truly blessed.

And that's the crux of the matter
In a visual context,
My thoughts in a streak
Imagining what might come next,
If reality was plastic
To be shaped in a second,
The pillows would be fluffed
And Dental Dana has beckoned.

Oh, I'm such a dreamer
An old man with 'osterone,
Still grappling with slow mail
And she's on a smartphone,
Light-years ahead of me
Planning her next move,
Where she Lasers my frenulum
While shaking out her groove.

Dental Dana is beyond
Any realm of common existence,
Thus proving, in practice
There is no point in resistance,
Just do what she says
In the context of your appointment,
Believe me, do avoid
An opportunity for annointment.

Dental Dana
She's the best
And that's my conviction,
Never mind
All her weapons
You must seek benediction,
Placate her, I urge
Or you will pay the price,
Jaws without teeth
While you're sucking on ice.

5/7/15

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Dental Dana 37


Last week I was in the Dentist Office, on a Tuesday; not my usual day, and there she was, the living embodiment of Dental Delight......................Dental Dana. No, she was not my Hygienist, and in truth, our days of mutual involvement, go back about 2 years now. But heck of it all, it still plays out to be a good, dang story.

Dental Dana 37


Dental Dana
She's a wonder,
I'm trying to avoid
My usual blunder,
Where I approach
And act too frisky,
With Dental Dana
That is risky.


I can't hold back
Because she's the one,
She makes every appointment
Kind of fun,
Easy on the eyes
And always cheerier,
Iron-willed
With a soft exterior.


But when she opens
Her chest of tools,
She makes it clear
She won't suffer fools,
I'll go to Hell
Without stopping in Limbo,
If I should treat her
Like a bimbo.


Yes, Dental Dana
Rules the roost,
Misbehavior
Will garner a boost,
Out the door
And into the street,
She'll wave goodbye
And smile so sweet.

4/22/15

Hospice Blues


An old time musician in hospice; what could happen?

Hospice Blues

Woke up this morning
Pondered my dues and my debt,
Smelled something funny
Damn, my diaper is wet,
Called to my Nurse
Oh Baby, I need you,
She said,  "Make up your mind -
Should I wipe you or feed you".

Oh, that woman is so cold
She won’t cut me any slack,
Slipping Ben Franklin from my wallet
Whenever I turn my back,
But what can I do
I’m disabled and weak,
I needed a good nurse
But, this one's a freak.

My mojo isn't working
On this devilish caregiver,
She's 'sposed to cook me good meals
Not, Friskies chopped liver,
Man, she's being paid
To do her nails and watch TV,
That's all she ever does
Instead of watching over me.

Now I'm fighting back
With old fashioned voodoo,
I slipped some black cat bone
And my John the conqueroo,
Into her sugar-free Pepsi
That she drinks all day long,
Pretty soon she'll be singing
The Billy Bob song.

Oh, Billy whatcha need
My attention is all yours,
Baby, grab me a Heineken
And wheel me out doors,
Rub my feet and my back
Then cook me a good dinner,
She'll say, "Bless you, Sir BB
Thanks for saving this sinner".

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

Nepotic Leaders


This is a fine bit of nonsense that morphs into another look at: questionable leadership...........or lack thereof.

The Family Kara-Hiri

There be Sister Euphemia
And Auntie Euthenasia,
The younger Eugenics
And Father Dysplasia,
A motley crew
With skills beyond measure,
They can lead you from oblivion
And guide you to the treasure.

An odd, assorted team
If there ever was,
How they manage to work together
Somehow, just because,
No one ever seems to know
What this bunch will do next,
They never use Facebook
And hardly ever text.

Throwbacks to an earlier age
Before our nascent technology,
Darwinian survivalists
Of primordial biology,
How they survived to this day
Is anyone's guess,
As leaders of mayhem
They barely even stress. 

They run the ship
We hold the oars,
We're whipped if we argue
They keep all the scores,
Every day they're competing
Bonus dollars, on the line,
Peons can't touch that
We are wrapped up in twine.

Nepotism at its best
Survives because they score the test,
Stack the cards, prime the deck
They jump ship first
Should we ever wreck.

The blame always falls
On the workers at the bottom,
Each of one of us musing;
When had the chance
We should have shot'em, 
So you better have a backup plan
Just what I'm saying, Dearie,
Considering the business plan
With the family Kara-Hiri.

Friday, May 01, 2015

Never Embarrassed


After a while, particularly if you worked in an Adult ICU, every situation that might be classified as embarrassing, has come and gone. That's in regard to the patient's, in their time of dire need. Therefore, how can I possibly be embarrassed about some dumb little thing, having to do with everyday living?

I am never embarrassed
And I'll tell you why,
I have seen everything
That can make a person cry,
In the course of three decades
Of this Nursing career,
Regarding comfort and privacy
As I stood at the rear.

I will never forget
The crap blasting farts,
The cratering wounds
Like infected cream tarts,
The abdominal ascites
With a peritoneal fountain,
The blubberous bulk
Of a humanoid mountain.

You might call me insensitive
And there, you'd be wrong,
We closed all the curtains
And sang the same song,
Of comfort and care
To our suffering clients,
Along with warm blankets
The Gold Standard of science.

So, can I be embarrassed?
Not after what I have seen,
What I have smelled, touched and tasted
To get everyone clean.

5/1/15

Thursday, April 30, 2015

The Burden of Wait


We have all experienced the waiting...............every aspect of life presents the opportunity to wait, longer than desired.

The Burden of Wait
Unlike the Duke of Earl,
Promotes anxiety and anger
Like a fussy, irksome squirrel.

No one enjoys
Unpredictable delays,
This kind of thing can happen
On the slowest of days,
Because we are a referral center
For Cardiac disorders,
People can become so unhappy
They threaten missiles and mortars.

A traffic jam of inefficiency
And the disgruntled client,
Waiting forever
Their hunger is a giant,
After 4 or 5 hours
It's a little too much,
Our tired excuses
Are like an old, rusty crutch,
Over and over
We apologize and placate,
Feeling like this situation
Is the worse kind of blind date,
Lame excuses repeated
Again and again,
While fuming family members
Look dangerous just holding a pen.

4/30/15

Monday, April 20, 2015

Dental Dana 36


Really now, who enjoys a trip to the Dentist office? No one I know. But what if there is a hot looking hygienist to cozy up to? Exactly! Dental Dana...........fits the formulaic fictional fantasy story to a T.

Dental Dana
Makes me itch,
When I gaze at her
I start to twitch,
Which is not advised
In a Dental chair,
But is Dental Dana
Even aware?

She's so very nice
To every one of us,
Though it's a given
Some folks like to fuss,
Generating tension
During the hygiene event,
With Dental Dana
Prepare to repent.

Dental Dana
Looks hot and healthy,
She's got some moves
That border on stealthy,
Especially when placing
Tools between my jaws,
Her aim looks deadly
Like she might break some laws.

I asked for DD
When I busted a tooth,
I wanted an intelligent opinion
And her hot-buttered youth,
But with my prior history
Of Dental offence,
It's really no wonder
She wouldn't give me two cents.

Oh, I was crushed
And begged for a pardon,
I offered a shopping spree
At the Mall on Arden,
If she would please, please
Just handle this one little task,
Oh, Dental Dana
Why won't you do as I ask?

Well, she truly is an angel
Dressed in blues and whites,
She came back to the room
And punched out my lights,
When I woke up
From Dental Dana's slap,
I had a fine looking tooth
Where there once was a gap.

I promised her flowers
And a thousand dollar check,
I blew her a kiss and croaked
"Get your hands off my neck",
She gave me such a sweet
Coquettish little smile;
Oh, how we all adore
That Dental Dana style.

4/20/15

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Injured me


Slipped and fell on my butt
Dislocated my shoulder,
I'm thankful I wasn't
Perched on a boulder,
Thus, now I'm one-handed
Out of sorts, yes indeed,
A horrendous injury
And I didn't even bleed.

It hurt like the dickens
Ten of ten pain,
The Fentanyl was helpful
Like IV Novocaine,
But when they pushed, pulled and cranked
On my arm for Reduction,
Fentanyl didn't touch it
I needed Diprivan induction.

I told them in the beginning
When they answered the call,
Fentanyl for discomfort, and
For the procedure, Propofol,
But young Doctors must follow
Their protocols, to the "T",
Shoot the little guns first
To set my shoulder free.

Well, that was an ordeal
Not to be repeated,
My pain hit 250
With my shoulder still unseated,
And they did concede
Stronger meds were in demand,
Like I said in the beginning
Folks, Propofol is planned.

I've used it hundreds of times
In my Nursing career,
And now that I've had it
Man, it's monstrously clear,
That, this stuff is better
Than Cinnamon toast,
Like a cool soothing blessing
By the hand of the Holy Ghost.

When I woke up
The pain was a two,
With everyone smiling
At my shoulderly view,
Repositioned, it was
So properly placed,
Just like the Doctor said
The pain was erased.

Homebound, we were
A seven hour ordeal,
I'll need several months of Rehab
To resume my curb appeal,
A turn at disability
My initial impression,
An impromptu vacation?
Note my facial expression.