Yesterday I attended a Cardiology conference in San Francisco, sponsored by UCSF. One of the topics addressed the equipment associated with non-implantable defibrillators, and for the sake of this discussion, the defibrillator vest. It is generally agreed that the device is currently cumbersome, weighing about 15 pounds, and about 20% of people get bothersome skin rashes from the materials. I figured, that if the manufacturer could team up with Men's Wearhouse, with a slogan like, "Look Your Best, When You Wear the Vest", these things would be selling like hotcakes. I shared my musings with that particular presenter, and got a laugh at least. And maybe, someday in the future, we'll have it that way.
Don't leave home, without the best,
Beneath your tux and tails
Do make sure, you wear the vest,
Sure, it's cumbersome and awkward
But sudden death might ruin your night,
When you're flirting with the hat-check girl
And things are looking tight,
And the wife is somewhere shopping
Down at Saks 5th Avenue and the Gap,
Your defibrillator accessory
Is what makes you a charming chap.
It is better than a vibrator
The whips and chains, and more,
It is better than Viagra
No matter how much you score,
It surely trumps them all,
Just flip the switch.....defibrillate!
Yessirree, you'll have a ball;
It's better than anything
That you've ever tried,
A little sex and sudden death
Why it's almost like you died.
Amidst amorous activity
My electric vest is standing by,
In the event of fibrillation
It assures me, that I won't die,
And I tell you, with all certainty
There's nothing quite like this,
When it seems like I am dying
I deny the reapers kiss.
I'm not afraid, it's figured out
From the minute to the second,
The Grim Reaper is by the doorway
And with his hand, I have been beckoned,
But with this vest, I am protected
When death is knocking at my door,
With my girlfriend I can have the best of times
And always ask for more,
And it's certainly a major selling point
In the Cardiomyopathy bunch,
When you wine and dine your secretary
You can have that dessert after lunch.