Monday, July 24, 2017

Weight a Minute

A two hour battle post-anesthesia, takes a lot out of me these days. Thirty years ago, no sweat; I was ready to take on Bluto, for 3 more rounds. Except, well there was the incident when Father Time kicked me in the head and caused a concussion.
Now, about last Friday............

When Bennie the Bruiser
Awoke from his surgery,
He immediately acted out
With assault and perjury,
Whereas, before
He was a mellow, young guy,
He’s Godzilla, on the fly.

It wouldn't be so bad
But he's barely breathing,
Then suddenly gasping
Swearing and seething,
Plus, Bennie is big
Topping two-forty pounds,
If I was Mike Tyson
We might go seven rounds.

Oxygen saturation
Just seventy-five,
Gasping and wheezing
When his parents arrive,
To stand by the bedside
Try to settle him down,
Yep, Bennie the Bruiser
Is a meth-user clown.

Little by little
Maybe he's improving,
Gets some gas up his nose
He's resting, not moving,
Now, it's my turn to bother
Removing Femoral sheaths,
Oops, awakened the demon
Now I’m dodging his teeth.

Four people at the bedside
Trying to control,
As this monster of ceremonies
Takes us for a roll,
Bucking like a bronco
While I prevent bleeding,
Thinking dangerous thoughts
Regarding children and breeding.

At the hour marker
I was proclaimed the victor,
An epic battle it was
With a Boa Constrictor,
Yea, I expect a statue
To be erected in my name,
Constantine the Conqueror
Will just add to my fame


Old FoolRN said...

I worked with an old school surgeon who loved to conclude his operative reports with; "At the conclusion of the case the patient transferred himself to the Gurney." Intraoperative anesthesia emergence was not a pretty picture. If the patient got too rowdy that very same surgeon would bellow, "Fix him to the table."

We always asked, "How is he going to transfer independently if he is fixed to the table?" His response, "Briefly let him loose."

Those were the good old days!

Fibril_late said...

Yep, when a tightly spun sheet, snug fit over the chest, under the armpits and secured to the upper corners of the bed, would secure the really rambunctious ones. Sadly, our wimpy restraints of today, allow for more people to climb out of bed, as soon as the Nurse leaves the room. The institutional solution, is to have a "you can't touch patient" bedside-sitter, who is supposed to keep an eye on Bluto, and call the nurse for help, if Bluto is getting out of bed. There used to be more camera's in more rooms, but surely, someone complained about lack of privacy, and viewing has been discouraged.