Monday, October 31, 2016

Gender Revenge

The latest news regarding Zika and mice:
"Not only did male mice infected with the Zika virus have a tougher time getting females pregnant, their levels of sex hormones crashed, and their testicles shrunk by 90%, possibly permanently".

At last, women may have their "fight back" solution, for those guys slipping GHB into their drink: just place a little Zika Dust into his drink!

Ladies, take note:
Here is your answer to the date-rape drug,
Spike the drink of your paramour
Give his testicles a proverbial slug!
Ya, see how he likes it
When he can't get it up forever more,
With the powdered dust of Zika
His romantic endeavors will be a real chore.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Dental Dana 53

Dental Dana
She's that one,
Over there in the corner
Looking dangerously fun,
The hottest hygienist
In the Dental suite,
All buttered up
Looking good enough to eat.

She looks so yummy
So gentle and placid,
But Dental Dana
Is more dangerous than acid,
She could pulverize a crown
With her nitrogen tapper,
Then catch you on the rebound
With her ultrasonic zapper.

Just play it safe
Relax and cruise,
Remember, she's crafty
And there’s a lot you could lose,
Like thirty-two teeth
Your gums and tongue,
Sliced in little pieces
And dropped in a lung.

If you get too distracted
By her tight fitting slacks,
Ask for some nitrous
To help you relax,
Or maybe something more
Some light anesthesia,
Just for you, they reserve
The milk of amnesia.

Remember, my friend
You could be easily whacked,
Do whatever it takes
To leave that office intact.

Paging the Swami

A post script to the Meth poem of two days ago.

His cardiac arrest
Took forty years off his life,
Now he's babbling like a six year old
To his mother and his wife,
At three a.m. he calls out
Will you please call my Mommy,
I respond, "Right away dude
and then I'll page the Swami".

Instantly anxious
Panicked and wheezing,
Grabbing and thrashing
I know he's not teasing,
While gasping for air
He then holds his breath,
His pulse goes way down
Turning purple, like death.

It's a two nurse dilemma
Handling this guy,
Just a couple days ago
He used meth and did die,
Revived, yes he was
But some brain cells are gone,
And quite frankly, I'm thinking
He is destined for the lawn.

Funny, but best unreported

How we love to laugh at humorous animal anecdotes; cute puppies, silly cats and romping rhino's. There are times that the public-patient-population, seem to mimic those animal antics, and yet, if I say that Billy-Bob looks like a pig thrashing about in a muddy pigpen, I might cause offense.

Last night, changing the linen for Betty Lou, was akin to oil-wrestling with a semi-sedate wild boar. Now imagine, two somewhat elderly nurses (guys), attempting to accomplish this. Frankly, even at this moment 8 hours later, I am nearly collapsed on the floor, laughing at myself, and Popeye my stalwart companion.

Things that we laugh at
On You Tube, for example,
Or those family shows
With photo's to sample,
We laugh and we snicker
When Bobby falls in the trap,
Especially if it was filled
With Elephant crap.

Why do we laugh?
Because it happened to them,
Yes, anecdotal humor
Is really a gem,
We laugh while we're thinking
Thank god, that wasn't me,
While Bobby played in that crap
I was up in a tree.

Things that we laugh at
The misfortunes of others,
Jokes about everything
Even our Mothers,
We can use social media
And upload anytime,
All of us can laugh at you
Oh, isn't that sublime?

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Marijuana, Meth and Myocardial Mayhem

I've discussed how at least 50% of all admissions to the Medical ICU test positive for Amphetamine. Sure, that is just a simple estimated, bystander, non-statistical guess. (that's my disclaimer, as an unqualified statistician).

But next door in the Cardiac ICU, we are seeing the same thing; the myopathies and the acute heart attacks, who also are Meth users. Henceforth, another completely avoidable disaster, Mr. Public!

The morning after
The night before,
There is writing to be done
A compulsive chore,
Ideas to expel
And words to sort,
About the cardiac arrest
Of Uncle Mort.

He's forty six
And overweight,
Marijuana and tobacco
Are on his plate,
With an after dinner chaser
Of public menace Meth,
Caused his heart attack
And imminent death.

Heck, everyone has seen
"The Faces of Meth",
If I looked like that
I would gladly embrace death,
But no one comprehends
The toxic stimulant power,
How Meth causes heart attacks
Every minute, every hour.

Good old, Uncle Mort
A sweet dude, he was,
Why did he do that stuff?
He said, because,
His life, was so damn boring
Working at the DMV,
Living in ugly suburbia
Without a single tree,
This altered reality
Destroyed all of his resistance,
Marijuana and meth
Validated his existence.

For years;
Doctors and family
Told him what to do,
Take your medicines, Uncle Mort
You'll live longer, we love you,
Kick your bad habits to the curb
Lose some weight, get exercise,
Well, Uncle Mort fell off the wagon
And it's no surprise,
Because good clean living
Is stupid boring, not fun,
While marijuana and meth
Are like facing a loaded gun,
With danger and drama
Mystery and intrigue,
Yep, it's way more exciting
Than the PTA league.

Uncle Mort had chest pain
Someone called 9-1-1,
He had a V-Fib arrest
Life support, was thoroughly done,
Got a stent to an artery
Saved his family, from mourning,
Ya, Uncle Mort, dodged a bullet........
May this be his last warning.

Friday, October 07, 2016

Dental Dana Vol II

I thought I was all done, excommunicated, exited, and never to be exhumed........but Dental Dana asked for another volume of randy, rabid, romps of hygienic nonsense.

Dental Dana 51

Dental Dana
She's so nifty,
I thought she was done
At chapter fifty,
But now I'm writing
No, Dental Dana
Isn't done.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -

Dental Dana 52

Dental Dana
Is so damned cute,
But you better duck
If she says, shoot,
Because more than likely
She has taken aim,
You've been naughty
Will be her claim.

Dental Dana
Let her do her job,
Scrape your plaque
Till your gums do throb,
Say please and thanks
You know the drill,
For the pain of pleasure
Just pay the bill.


Dead is not gone

I have covered this topic in 42 different ways over the years, and I am still astounded by the actions of loving families, who refuse to let their loved ones go on to heaven. Often their religious beliefs are at the bottom of this (definitely not the top). This is an old poem (2008), slightly edited.

The Work of Jesus

I'm ever more astonished
At the work, Jesus is expected to do, 
Forecasting that he will heal 
When really, death is due.

Take this patient in the corner
As example number one,
Her heart, her lungs and kidneys
Were very nearly done,
When a cardiac arrest
Knocked her to the floor,
Giving her tired soul a chance
To slip right out the door.

She had CPR
For well beyond an hour, 
Where the medical team performed 
Everything within their power, 
But they finally reached consensus 
That there was nothing more to do,
When lo and behold, her heartbeat
Went from straight-line to forty-two.

Now she’s grazing in our unit
Life-supported to the nines,
Seven vasopressors
And thirteen central lines,
An ET tube, an NG sump
And the Foley-Temp-Deluxe,
And while it seems we're doing everything
She's a DNR, oh shucks.

We finally get to Jesus
His role in this whole caper,
The family expects a miracle
According to the paper,
Written by some disciple
Two centuries post-resurrection,
How Jesus will raise the dead again
Like some cosmic lottery selection.

There are just too many people
Who need that Lazarus link,
Jesus can't heal every one
So do not even think,
That your sweet old Aunt Jemima
Is on the Jesus list today,
She tried to depart a week ago
Till epinephrine, made her stay.

The truth regarding dear old auntie
Is that she'll never get restarted,
Her body is here, and her brain is dead
While her soul has already departed,
The resident of this ICU bed
Could be likened to an empty shell,
Auntie is firmly ensconced in heaven
While her body remains here in Hell.

Technical Difficulties

Please wait, we are experiencing technical difficulties...........we've all done it at sometime or another. Accidentally did the one thing, and it caused the other thing. Solve the problem, and you're a better engineer.

I almost sent her soul
Down heavens fairway,
After I stopped
To clean her airway,
Just a little faux pas
With the suction device,
An improper position
Well, she almost paid the price.

Assessment and decision
I'm fast on my feet,
Troubleshooting with friends
At the bedside we meet,
Setting Oxygen on blast
Via bag-valve-connection,
Returned her to baseline
On final inspection.

Refreshed my memory
Old knowledge relearned,
Like Shakespeare once said
The worm has turned.

Decay and Denial

Here's a dark one.........Most folks don't recognize the amazing resilience of their bodies to counteract the battles we wage upon ourselves. I've met thousands of folks who thought they dodged the bullet of disease, cuz they smoked and drank and shot up drugs and it never seemed to harm them. And then, at age 51, BAM........collapse and misery.

In the morning
After the dream,
I remember
Last nights scream,
Or was it a moan
I am not really sure,
When we told Betty
There wasn't a cure.

There is no escaping
Our final day,
For eons we've tried
To prevent our decay,
But just the smallest peek
At our everyday behavior,
Well, it's a giant billboard
Regarding who is your savior.

Fast food for Freddie
And whisky for Willie,
Barbaric religions
With practices so silly,
And then there's the Meth
The Cocaine and shrooms,
We're all tangled up
In our lifestyle looms.

Our happy interventions
Do not prolong life,
And now it's too late
To save Betty, your wife,
She thought that her Camels
Unfiltered and rich,
Would never deliver her
Into the ditch.........
After all, there never was a cough
She could climb a mountain like a goat,
Until the cancer filled in
And plugged up her throat,
Too late for a cure
Now she's miserable and blue,
Take a look in the mirror
It could happen to you.

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Cautious Ending

Time and time again, I've seen it; Ms. or Mr. Nurse counting down the last few days till they pull the plug, open the door and escape to retirement. These are the last moments for things to get dicey.........

Approaching the end
The setting of the sun,
Just 19 more shifts
And then she'll be done,
But I say, use caution
Be extremely wary,
On any given night
Things can get hairy.

Yes, anything could happen
On one of those nights,
A whacked out meth user
Knocking out your lights,
Drug addled Billy-Bob
Ramped up and squirrelly,
Ending your career
16 days early.

My worst experience
I was kicked in the head,
I had a concussion
Lo, I could have been dead,
Or the time that Barry slugged me
And Mort threatened death,
All those things happened
In the time of one breath.

Be cautious, old nurses
Don't get too frisky,
Take care of the comatose
Where violence is less risky,
Maybe, fake an illness
Or sit on a Jury,
As your days are counting down
Don't be in a hurry,
Protect your retirement
Whatever it takes,
Just a few days left
Are you getting the shakes?