Saturday, August 29, 2015

Nurse 32

After a crazy, stressful and whacky week, filled with too many Recoveries and 3 nights of overtime, I just have to unwind and write my own craziness.

Nurse 32

I've been a nurse for 32 years
Working, in-hospital for thirty-seven,
Some say to me, "You must love it"
Well I do, but it's not really Heaven,
I enjoy the goodness that I can do
To the people, who are really in need,
But for all those flippin' malingerers
The ones from the toxic seed?

They are the few, that test us all
The whacky, the crazy, the violent,
We must wear our happy face
Duck the fists and keeping silent,
Because now we must pay attention
To the almighty Satisfaction scores,
The 3-day departure, little phone calls
Where they scream and declare
You're all whores,
Not realizing that Betty-Boo nurse
Had no connection to Dr. Z's mistake,
While Betty-Boo's call will be audited
And her Manager, will give her a shake.

Oh, I can hardly wait to go
On the Hot Diggity dawg retreat,
I'm hoping and praying they bother
To have something good to eat,
Because I have noticed the goodies
When the visiting Dignitaries call,
They get the best catered food
That's what I'm say, that's all.


Thursday, August 27, 2015

Happy Whack Job

I think I had 7 patients today. It only took one to make me go postal........too bad three of them were either confrontational, argumentative and angry, and the family chipped in. Here's the winner:

Happy Whack Job

A 12 hour routine
Day in and day out,
What could be so different
To make me scream or shout?,
The particular kind of patient
Confrontational and demanding,
Where reason and logic
Have no place of understanding.

Consider this Billy Bob
3 days in our palace,
Drove himself to the hospital
With nine K dollars in his valise,
Don’t ask me why
I’d never believe it,
But in the midst of his Recovery,
He says he has to go retrieve it.

I’m telling him, “No
I will just call the Nurse,
Up on floor three
And he begins to curse,
Never telling me why
He said, “Only I can do it”
He’s getting whacky and crazy
So I said, “just screw it”;
Go ahead, go upstairs
Let me show you the elevator,
He marches off
Like one hot potater,
With his spouse at his side
And a bounce in his step,
He returned pretty soon
With his own nursing rep,
She took me aside
And told me about the money,
About 9 thousand dollars
That’s why he's acting so funny,
He wouldn’t put it in the safe
No, we had to lock it in the Med-room,
And now he’s holding his black valise
At his side in his bedroom,
Along with his Mac computer
And his jaunty baseball cap,
This 73 year old whack job
Is one happy chap.


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

In Their Place

Too busy, along with being understaffed. Now, in the past, where I came from.......If I had an ICU patient, that went out for a surgical procedure, this patient would come back to me after Recovery, and then, if he were to be downgraded, I would send him off to Telemetry, or such. Today, I received two people (from MICU and CSICU), who had a new Pacemaker insert, for their "one hour Anesthesia recovery". However, now they were going to be downgraded to Telemetry, and thus, I was not sending them back to their ICU. Well, that sucks, 'cuz, one of them ended up staying 5 hours in my Unit, waiting for the next bed and nurse. The other guy, I had to remove the Temporary Pacer, the Swan Ganz and the Arterial line, all of which had been in place for 3 days. These are not the typical duties of your General Anesthesia Recovery nurse, who at this time, has 3 patients, (one of them being the other ICU patient). My buddy was picking up a new Ablation case (general anesthesia); a guy that was leaping all over the bed, with 5 Femoral sheaths in my pal was out of the mix. Eventually, we each had 3 Recoveries a piece. Later, after lunch, I take the guy that is 410 Lbs, 6'9" tall, and had an A. Fib ablation. He has 4 Femoral sheaths in, and is flinging around, because his back / hip pain is off the charts!
Holy Bleeding Puncture, Batman! Pass me the Kerlix!

Hott Diggity, Dawg.

After nights like this
I need to empty my mind,
It was nothing like a kiss
No, 'twas a kick in the behind.

Two patients from ICU
Gone for Pacemaker
But not returning to that space,
Technically, I'm doing only
Anesthesia Recovery
But now some ICU duties, in their place,
Remove the Swan Ganz
The temporary Pacer, and the Art-line,
Do all of that stuff for CSICU
Hot damn they're happy, things are just fine,
Because TAVR Joe-Bob
Is finally off of their floor,
They have practically given his room away
The moment he departed the door.

"Me, I'm waiting so patiently
Lying here on the floor,
Just doing my jigsaw puzzle
Before it rains anymore*#.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*#Rolling Stones
"Jigsaw Puzzle"
Album: Beggars Banquet - 1968

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Gut Feeling

Sorry, but I'm sorta stuck on this topic.

Gut Feeling

Gurgle Gut
Is such a bother,
I told my Mother
And my Father,
He whispered something
About stinky gas,
Mother said
Don't let it pass,
In the company
Of Nuns and Priests,
Unless they're sipping
Hops and yeasts.

Gurgle gut?
I received a call,
Number one daughter
Sometime last Fall,
Regaled me with
Her story, true,
Thank god it wasn't
Tic delarue,
But alas, 'twas something
Just as awful,
From the sugar syrup
On her waffle,
Tainted water
In the city Tangier,
A water born illness
No fun, poor dear.

I offered her solace
For her pain,
We discussed the tragic
Intestinal drain,
That can occur
When least desired,
Plus,  tips and tricks
When the gas has fired.

Not easy dealing
With this issue,
We should have invested
In toilet tissue,
Northern, Charmin
Or Kirklands best,
One million wipes
We've put to test.

Good healing salves
Are hard to find,
Herbal Savvy
The Comfrey kind,
Burts Bees foot creme
Protects and soothes,
Especialy in the
Hidden grooves.

What to do?
We continue to live,
Hoping that
Our friends forgive,
An occasional blast
Of  toxic gas,
Bursting from
Our sorry ass.

Gurgle gut
Is a major bummer,
It can put a crimp
On a fun-filled summer,
Carry extra undies
And soothing wipes,
If you accidently
Blow your pipes.

Have yet to address,
The Gurgle gut mess,
They hide the details
In mumbo jumbo,
Regarding the dangers
Of Jalapeno gumbo.

A gurgling industry
Is just developing,
Soon to be
Completely enveloping,
An I-P-O
With investor options,
Rescue centers
For intestine adoptions.

Burnt sienna
Wristbands and hats,
Promotional bling
Baseballs and bats,
To gain support
And public attention,
To promote awareness
Regarding poo retention.

We gurgle guts
Are never full of shit,
That's the least
And most of it,
No, commonly
We go each day,
Three or four times
In a moderate way.

Three times a day
Is, way better,
Than once in 3 days
By the letter,
I'd rather not have,
Although diarrhea
Requires more salve.

All in all
It's a disturbing condition,
And I've spent too much time
On this rendition,
But I just had to
Get it out,
Gurgle Gut
Deserves a shout.


Thursday, August 20, 2015


After a 20 month rest, a return for another Cardioversion (#15); is that a record? Who knows........but we have a handle on that.

Back on Your Feet

It's two thousand fifteen
And Jake never quits,
He swears that A. Fib
Is way better than Zits,
"I get much better meds
When treatment is required,
I won't feel a damn thing
That's what I call, inspired".

A twenty month sojourn
Since his last visit here,
Not a whiff of arrhythmia
Till that one, ice-cold beer,
Sent his heart stuttering
On that hot stinkin' day,
And in the realm of A. Fib
To play, you must pay.

For rejuvenation
And dynamic publicity,
Spend an hour with us
We'll turn you on to electricity,
Delivered with gusto
With the milk of amnesia,
You'll be dreaming of angels
In French Polynesia.

For sure, your arrhythmia
Is a bother, at best,
A few trips to the E-R
For an EKG test,
Until finally you tasted
The fruits from our vines,
Electricity and Propofol
Are the best of all wines.

An Ablation or two
You can try, what the hay,
Sometimes it works
Just one time, one day,
But you are the winner
At cardioversion, fifteen,
We love you, dear Jake
If  you know what I mean.

You're a part of our family
We will never give up,
When you're feeling irregular
Please come, fill your cup,
On our high-octane juice
You'll feel better, right quick,
Give your A.Fib a taste
Of our pit-viper stick.

Today you presented
With a different thing,
Atrial Tachycardia
Fit for a King,
Easier to manage
With a miniscule zap,
Just 20 little joules
Like a mosquito tap.

But still, you did ask for
A shot of amnesia,
We give it freely
Whatever will please ya,
Because you are like family
We want you back on your feet,
For a good round of golf
Down at St. Pete's.


Saturday, August 08, 2015

Gurgling Gut

Irritable Bowel Syndrome, affects millions of people in the world. There are treatments and therapies, and causes and theories.............and bloating, cramping, Borborigmi and rumbling, and a great deal of unpredictable inconvenience for those suffering this crappy condition.

Here is Billy Bob's story:

BB's Thing

With gas and gurgle
In his gut,
Toxic fumes
Escaped his butt,
Don't stand behind him
Momma said,
That's BB's thing
He'll kill you dead.

Billy Bob will
Tell you why,
Moroccan muesli
And Danish rye,
Didn't cause it
No, dear daughter,
The problem was
I drank the water.

A grave mistake
But I was parched,
That mountain climb
We over marched,
And laughed about it
At the Inn,
I drank the water
That's my sin.

Now, seven years later
His gut rebels,
Good lord, Hells bells,
When least expected
Like a cry of the loon,
That Moroccan beast
Nearly makes him swoon.

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Praying for Rain

This post is a follow-up to the one below. More junk going on................

Just one week later
Complications were worse,
A string of bad luck
In search of a curse,
An Aortic dissection
From the arch to the Iliac,
Thank goodness Mr. patient
Was not a hemophiliac.

Experts were consulted
Group worry was evidenced,
Just watching and waiting
Good advice, was dispensed,
Keep the blood pressure down
Diminish Aortic stress,
Then evaluate the cause
Who to blame for this mess.

The Doctor who did it?
Oh ya, he just left town,
At the end of the procedure
After he took off his gown,
Though he stopped by the room
To mumble his regrets,
Stating, an on-call physician
Will cover his bets.

I worried and fussed
Six hours of inspection,
Five sheaths to remove
During crisis detection,
Monitor vital signs
Assess pulses and pain,
Waiting for decisions
Like praying for rain.

To the Cardiac Unit
At seven pm,
I could finally relax
Now, it's up to them,
The Critical Intensivists
Will manage him there;
My tour of duty
Was a journey of care.