Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Mepilex Fail

In our facility, when a patient will head off to a procedure where they might be on their back and stationary for greater than three hours, we place a Mepilex pad on their coccyx, to ward off a pressure sore. They work fairly well, but 100% success is impossible. Of course, failure is not an option, and there is a nurse somewhere who will get the blame. Ain't it so?

Mepilex Fail

Mepilex fail
It was bound to happen,
And it doesn't help
When they're fart'n and crap'n,
Plus, never forget
That the onus of blame,
Will fall upon the nurse
In the pressure-sore game.

Mepilex fail
Can you believe it?
If the pressure is too much
Mepilex can't relieve it,
Some folks are too bony
And built like a twig,
Or the opposite problem
And they're just too damn big.

You didn't turn him enough
You didn't pad his bony knees,
You didn't check after he farted
With every cough and sneeze,
And did you lift the Mepilex
With a witness every shift?,
Two nurses have to look
They don't trust us; get my drift?

Another year from now
Three nurses are required,
To prove a fact is factual
Another witness, or you're fired,
Don't doubt me on this matter
I've been in healthcare, long enough,
It's a wonder I'm still breathing
After choking on this stuff.

Mepilex fail
We are hardly the cause,
But don't doubt for a minute
That some contractual clause,
Will be presented to we nurses
At the next bargaining session,
Another Management move
Towards nursing oppression.


State of Fear

At the hospital yesterday, the “State Regulators” were onsite. I don’t have a clue what they are regulating, but all Managers got excited, trying to make the hospital look spic and span, clear the hallways, shuffle papers, and definitely looked worried and anxious. Blood pressures were up, and more chocolate was consumed.

State of Fear

The State is here
The State is here,
So we're all in
A state of fear;
Hide your children
Hold them dear,
All bets are off
When the State is here.

Buff the floors
Wipe the tables,
Rumored protection
Mentioned in fables,
Handed down
By Management bosses,
Behave and be good
Or you'll be counting your losses.

Put away the chocolate
Hide your coffee drinks,
Wash hands every hour
Don't spit in the sinks,
Know all your answers
If State officers query,
We are threatened and dishonored
Mercy me!; It's so scary.

The State is here
The State is here,
Now, bombs away
You better stand clear.


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Lemons and Limes

Don't press too hard, on the ancient Bard.

Lemons and Limes

I was traumatized
I'm telling you,
First vasovagal
And then, Code Blue,
But we pulled him back
Before he fell off the cliff,
Though he was gray as a ghost
And partially stiff.

I was doing a groin press
Family at the bedside,
When his heart began to cruise
Towards the dead-side,
I said, "Please step out
There is something we must do",
Then, two minutes later
We launched Code Blue.

He did pass out
Gave up his breath,
And without blood pressure
He was contemplating death,
But we don't allow that
In our garage,
Though we performed about a minute
Of Cardiac massage.

Close to the edge
Counting heavenly sheep,
This old codger thought
He only went to sleep,
Actually, quite surprised
With the crowd around his bed,
His family, the worried ones
That Uncle was almost dead.

"What the heck just happened"
Queried, Doctor Who,
"Last time, I saw my patient
He didn't need Code Blue",
So I ran the blow by blow
I told him several times,
Sometimes you get sour lemons
When you think you're buying limes.


Wednesday, January 16, 2013


At work, we are undergoing another Infusion Pump swap. The pumps that were acquired about four years ago (another vendor), turned out to be finicky chumps. And as always, new products demand user education. Nowadays, educators for nurses, are typically a nurse pulling an extra gig, in addition to their job back home. This can be kind of fun; a change of pace, a broadening of one's resume, and so on. However, I suspect that the majority of these trainers do not undergo any (or little) professional-speaking training, to prepare themselves for this "Clinical Educator" excursion.

So, once again, I was forced to become a victim of another, grammatical-phraseology crime.

DTMS*                       * [Does That Make Sense]

Professionals at a class
Do not need to hear,
Repeating over and over
Stupid phrases, to the ear,
"Does that make sense?"
Each sentence-ending posit,
Forty-seven repetitions
Before I threw him in the closet.

Plus, he had some mannerisms
Likely, patterned from his work,
He said, "I'm a NICU nurse
(A tiny-baby clerk),
He'd say, "Never, never, do this
Because, it's bad, bad, bad,
As if speaking to his child
This moronic, half-wit Dad.

Product educators, please take note
Do train, for professional speaking,
Repeating the same thing time and again
Sounds like a rocking chair squeaking,
"Does that make sense?"; repeated over and over
At the end of each sentence, yes, forty-seven times,
Reveal you're a victim of popular culture
And just another perpetrator of grammatical crimes.


Wednesday, January 09, 2013


I'm starting the New Year with a hot tip!...........$4 that is, for some damn good nursing care.


I was handed a tip
After a pacemaker redo,
My Five-star attentiveness
Was a four dollar coup.

A new battery acquired
Could make her older than a century,
And a nurse accepting money?
They might throw me in a penitentiary.

A four dollar tip
To refuse, would be rude,
"For a cup of coffee", she suggested
Good aroma, steamy brewed.