Sunday, October 30, 2011

Yesterday I attended a Cardiology conference in San Francisco, sponsored by UCSF. One of the topics addressed the equipment associated with non-implantable defibrillators, and for the sake of this discussion, the defibrillator vest. It is generally agreed that the device is currently cumbersome, weighing about 15 pounds, and about 20% of people get bothersome skin rashes from the materials. I figured, that if the manufacturer could team up with Men's Wearhouse, with a slogan like, "Look Your Best, When You Wear the Vest", these things would be selling like hotcakes. I shared my musings with that particular presenter, and got a laugh at least. And maybe, someday in the future, we'll have it that way.

Defibrillator Flirting

Defibrillator clothing
Don't leave home, without the best,
Beneath your tux and tails
Do make sure, you wear the vest,
Sure, it's cumbersome and awkward
But sudden death might ruin your night,
When you're flirting with the hat-check girl
And things are looking tight,
And the wife is somewhere shopping
Down at Saks 5th Avenue and the Gap,
Your defibrillator accessory
Is what makes you a charming chap.

It is better than a vibrator
The whips and chains, and more,
It is better than Viagra
No matter how much you score,
Electric stimulation
It surely trumps them all,
Just flip the switch.....defibrillate!
Yessirree, you'll have a ball;
It's better than anything
That you've ever tried,
A little sex and sudden death
Why it's almost like you died.

Amidst amorous activity
My electric vest is standing by,
In the event of fibrillation
It assures me, that I won't die,
And I tell you, with all certainty
There's nothing quite like this,
When it seems like I am dying
I deny the reapers kiss.

I'm not afraid, it's figured out
From the minute to the second,
The Grim Reaper is by the doorway
And with his hand, I have been beckoned,
But with this vest, I am protected
When death is knocking at my door,
With my girlfriend I can have the best of times
And always ask for more,
And it's certainly a major selling point
In the Cardiomyopathy bunch,
When you wine and dine your secretary
You can have that dessert after lunch.


Friday, October 28, 2011

Health-care over the past 33 years............that's quite a memory to carry. We have had such an evolution of change in science and technology, but we humans haven't changed much; we take millions of years, to only change, perhaps one bit of our DNA. As a result, any talk of change in human dynamics, is just that - talk.

Same Old

We're doing the same old things
But with a brand-new name,
Like taking a damaged portrait
And rebuilding the frame;

The oils have hardened
The pastels are faded,
The painter is long-dead
And his relatives are jaded;

So, any efforts to revive
Some of the previous glory,
Will produce the same old results
And that's the point of my story.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

No matter where you go, if you start a new job, you must endure something called "orientation". I just experienced that a couple of weeks ago, even though I am still, technically, in the same hospital system.


Hospital orientation
No matter where you attend,
It always seems to last too long
And you just wish it would end,

After all the many introductions
The Avatar values, right and left,
No one in the audience seems interested
A classical, time-management theft.

Names and departments, and who's the who
And what they are doing, I just don't know,
But the dude from Human Resources
Loves his stories, and it's his show.

So you better look sort of interested
Because, sleepy new employees don't impress,
He has all of the Managers on speed-dial
And I hope he's open to bribery, I confess.

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

Orientation propaganda always bugs me. I hope it only works on "the first-time" healthcare worker, because for the rest of us, it's old news.

Ancillary Propaganda

They're still selling us “A.I.D.E.T.”
So I guess we haven't made it,
Nursing Bundles and Rounding
….........Discharge phone calls.........
Tell me, how's that sounding?

And now an Ancillary Bundle
For all of you non-nurses,
And lastly the “No Pass Zone”
Oh Lordy, now that's a bundle of curses.

And to think, I've figured this out
Without having yet, gone to the inservice,
This is a well disguised pile of propaganda
And quite frankly, I'm paranoid and nervous.

The trends of Health-Care mismanagement
Have little to do with outcomes and healing,
Rather, patient satisfaction surveys and reimbursement
Keep the managers busy, bargaining and dealing.

Oh, shades of many different colors
Like an old time stage, with shifting scenery and a big curtain,
This is the present day arena we're working in
And like a low budget moving picture show......
The outcome is always uncertain.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Why do Pharmacy companies make up similar names of medications, or shape identical bottles of different drugs?

Why do Laboratories put names on lab-tests that sound almost exactly like something else, but the test is completely different?

And according to Nat-Pat-Sfty-Goals, we are supposedly trying to reduce medical errors?
Ya, right!

Naming Game

Sound alike, look alike, drugs
Also known as S.A.L.A.D,
Down in Pharmacy central
That's the name of their favorite ballad.

But what about those lab tests
Too many, sound the same,
Look alike and sound alike
Is the Lab-test naming game.

The latest silly example
Of Lab-test naming confusion,
“Anti-X-A Heparin”
Is focused on the infusion,
Of the Heparin drip we know so well
To be measured a different way,
Not to be confounded by that other test
The one known as, “Anti X-A”.

How many times do I predict
The test will be ordered incorrectly?
No one is willing to take that bet
In hindsight, circumspectly.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'll take a request now and then, to write a poem for someone, for some kind of special occasion. This is for you-know-who, getting a knee replacement. I wish him the best, and expect him to stop limping around; enough with the sympathy ploy, ok?

Actually, the fact that he lasted this long is astounding. Anyway, what every one wants is a good excuse, to get out of stuff..............perhaps this is his.

A Fabulous Excuse

Just another great reason
Oh, what a fabulous excuse,
How to get out of working
After years of abuse.........

I'll just blame it on my employment
Nursing is tough, and everybody knows,
It had nothing to do with motorcycles
Water skiing, or winter snows,
It wasn't rugby or football
Or jumping out of planes,
No, it had to be Nursing
That was the cause of my pains.

Although I limped around for years
And fought the righteous fight,
I had pain with each step
And I moaned every night,
Of course, I thought that was sexy
Laying in bed, next to Suzy,
Until my wife caught the two of us
And shot my knees, with her Uzi.

Well, I couldn't really broadcast
That I'd been cheating on my wife,
Heck, if word like that got out
She'd come after me with her knife,
So, what am I left with
But a damned good excuse,
My old knees are worn out
After years of abuse.


Wednesday, October 05, 2011

After just completing my on-line "Skills Test", I realized I had just been blasted with Nursing jargon. My recourse was to write about it.

Klitchy Jargon

It never ceases to amaze me
Just how jargon defines ones identity,
Each group creates a klitchy language
When we speak together, ahhhh, such serenity,
And exclusive it is...........
You don't fit, if you're left scratching your head,
“Nursing implements purposeful rounding”
Which means we came to your bed.

Pain, Potty, Position incorporates intentional rounding behaviors

You can see, I don't need to fabricate great words to rhyme,
When the care team embraces Patient-Family-Centered Care
Because Nursing writers and researchers, do it all the time.

I don't know about you, but to me, the idea that we are using "Satisfaction Surveys" to guide our reimburesments, seems absolutely ludicrous. I mean, how easy would it be to manipulate the results? Just take a little money out of the purse (or some other attractive trinket, like a free Heart-Cath), offer it to the patient or family, and have the best surveys coming in by the dozens. This will become a boondoggle for corruption, mark my words!

But you know, "corporate" and "big government" love the idea.........Politically Correct Care!

Sadist Faction Scores

Satisfacton surveys
For reimbusement compensation,
Are we the first country to do this
This united nation?
I'm not much of a historian
I only study the here and now,
But apparently Uncle Sam
Is threatening our cash cow.

So, of course your medical repair
Is our ultimate intent,
But does it offer real certainty
Regarding money well spent?,
If your satisfaction-survey
Is returned as a D-minus?
We might be forced to offer prayers
To Saint Thomas Aquinus.

Sister Euphemia
Would never throw those dice,
For patient-satisfaction
She's willing to pay any price,
Which is why this particular nurse
Always offers special care,
Sister Euphemia states
It's time for truth or dare.

By demanding satisfaction scores
That achieve one hundred percent,
If we don't reach those ideal numbers, baby
Rest assured, we will repent,
Because a reprimand from Sister
Is a frightening thing, indeed,
Satisfaction scores, be damned, my child
Get ready for your bleed.

Sadist Faction scores
Correctly named, to be sure,
Whenever Sister threatens
She guarantees her cure.

Out here on the left coast, reform of many sorts, seems to come about ten years after the new ideas originated somewhere else, like the East Coast. So here we are, year 2011, and finally, the Circus known as, "Patient Centered Care", has come to town. Here come the meetings, the training, the new jargon, the evaluations, and potentially the remediation (when I continue to screw up). Yes, these are exciting and heady times!

So naturally, I had to research the whole PCC movement, and write about it. To me, it just looks like a new version of an old game..................

The New Bingo

The latest catch-phrase
In health-care bingo,
Patient Centered Care
Is the hot new lingo,
It describes what we do
In this modern age,
In case you didn't know
It's written on the last page,
Of the thirteenth chapter
In the book of new thought;
At the meeting in the auditorium
Come and see what Sister bought.

Sister Euphemia, is crafty
That's for sure,
Regarding the issue of non-profit, profits
She has the remedy and the cure,
Change the name of the business model
Every couple of years, at least,
The dodge and weave manifesto
Is the nature of the beast.

Ten years in the making
This Patient Centered Care,
Proposed in academia
And now it's everywhere,
Heavy handed implications
To manipulate behavior,
Couched in terms of common good
It's the latest health-care savior.

Coming to a neighborhood near you
Meetings, memo's and more,
Roughly, every new decade
They retrain us, what a chore,
We learn bright new terminology
Describing the same old tasks,
Underneath, it looks the same
If you bother to remove the masks.

Just wear your smiley face
Nod your head, and say, “Yes”,
Before long, we'll be wearing hats
And bring back that white dress,
Because apparently our patients
Liked us better back then,
In those horse and buggy days
Good old fashioned, way back when.

Patient Centered Care
Yes, it's the latest new lingo,
Just say all the right stuff
And you'll win the Bingo.