Thursday, June 09, 2011

Sure, we always do a Skin Assessment when we admit someone, (and of course 2 nurses sign on it), but now, Sister Euphemia wants us to do a Sin Assessment!?! Can you believe it?

Sin Assessment

Down at Sister Euphemia's place
Everyone working has a happy face;

You might think it's natural
But the water is tainted,
One day I drank so much
I almost fainted,
Swooned, I did
With ever-expanding joy,
I gotta be thankful
Because they do employ,
All sorts of us heathens
That follow a different path,
Sister Euphemia states;
Just give a good bath.

When a new patient arrives
We assess them head to toe,
Using all of our five senses
And technology for the show,
Charting hundreds of check-marks
On many drop-down lists,
If something is wrong
We have to see if it exists.

Now, since this is a Holy
Hospital place,
We evaluate the sins
Of the human race,
And then we'll formulate a care-plan
To wipe clean your dirty deeds,
Medicare demands it
Stating, “address all of their needs”.

Who can argue with that?
And Sister is paying,
We always do what she says
If we want to be staying,
At this heavenly job
Hell, it's Paradise, after all,
If you need to be employed
Why, just give us a call.


Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Gee, it seems like every other week, there's another protocol dropping in our lap. Half of the time, it's a new one, just like the old one, but a little bit different. They want to sell it as new, but it's just a revision. It's "evidence based", but wasn't the other one too, and if so, does that make us just a bunch of liars, in retrospect? If so, I'm going to confession, asap, before Sister Euphemia finds out.

Protocol Prognosticator

Protocols to the left
Protocols to the right,
A protocol for Sepsis
And Neurological blight,
As it was in the beginning
Is now, and never ending,
Protocols are the lifeblood
That experts are recommending.

Protocols are guidance systems
Armed and ready to fire,
Like everything in life, my friend
The circumstance is dire,
Poised upon the precipice
Of critical mass and disaster,
Just fire up that protocol
And you will be the master.

Large-group studies do propose
That if we read statistics right,
Some protocol will save us
In the middle of the night,
Despite apparent random selection
And other wild-cards of duress,
I propose a simple toss of a coin
As a worthy prognosticator, of success.