More complications in the teaching setting. Every year, rethinking old ideas, with fancy new formulas and tools. It's enough to drive you bonkers!

Fancy Formulas

Each year the vascular hobbyists
Play with a brand new device,
In the name of research and development
The golden boys pay any price,
To maintain a national ranking
And thereby attract research dollars,
The University plays right along
Granting the wish of the scholars.

Down in the battle scarred wards
The nurses are screaming, “Unfair”!
Inundated by this years’ new formulas
They hardly have time to give care,
The vascular intern on rounds
Is demanding the latest results,
Suddenly, I see an analogy
Between science and paganism cults.

They rely on their own special language
And a feeling of limitless power,
They’ll demand your utmost attention
To listen to them for an hour,
Traditionally, the charismatic leader
Is regaled as a genius by his clan,
And just like the doctor in charge here
The megalomaniac is a man.

What does one do in this setting?
Wear garlic and carry a spike,
If an intern should get in your way
Hold your papers and scream, “Take a hike”!
Because sooner or later he’ll learn
The valuable facts he must know,
That no matter how fancy the formula
A nurse is a friend or a foe.

The equations of shunt and elastance
Heat transfer, compliance and Fick,
Creatinine clearance and anion gaps
Are enough to make anyone sick,
Hemodynamic parameters
With cerebral perfusion indices;
If you don’t know your way in these waters
You just might be the one causing crises.

Fibril_late; 4/95